Home Building

Look!

2012-01-15T15:09:00.001-06:00

As much as I love photos and scrapbooking, I'm terrible at getting pictures posted online. I just don't have the patience for it. But let's start 2012 out with some pictures of our new life. I am back - yearning to blog, excited for the new year and our new life in our new home. We have new goals now, a new schedule and a new routine. I'm excited about what this year will bring for us.

A lot of people have asked to see pictures of our house. Remember - I have 3 kids one of whom feels it's his mission to undo everything I do. So getting pictures of a clean room is a challenge. Somehow, though, I've gathered a variety of pictures showing some of my favorite things about the house and our life here.

One of my favorite things about my kitchen - there are a lot actually - is my pantry. The right side, modeled here by Edwin, is food. The left side (fixed shelves instead of the pull out) is for art supplies for my children. The first week Eddie thought climbing in and out of the moving lower drawer was pretty awesome.

And could he be more adorable here? Yes, he needed a haircut. But it only added to his charm. :) And while we're at it, here he is in another favorite activity that first week. This is the view of the back of the cabinets under our countertop (and the back cabinet on the end).

Turns out I did manage to snap a picture of our living room after I decorated for Christmas. It gives an overview of the room that is decent. The high ceiling makes the room look enormous here, but it's actually pretty cozy.

The wall with the fireplace is the south wall. The opposite living room wall is the open staircase, which you can see the start of behind Edwin here. Mostly this is just a super cute picture of my boy so I had to include it. :)

Standing below the staircase, this is what you see. It's a ton of crazy angles that my husband figured out to make our house the way it is. For the math-challenged like me, I can't imagine attempting this. For my geometrically-minded husband, it was a success. He did a beautiful job on trimming the stairway too. It's not quite finished, but it still looks amazing.

All the woodwork was stained by my mother-in-law, her sister, or me. Eileen did the most for sure - all the baseboard, and it looks incredible. Here is my laundry room door for a better idea of the style and the colors that flow through our house. As you can see, the door is not trimmed yet. That will happen eventually. (Uppercase Living Expression courtesy Jenny DeSchepper. Love her. Love that stuff. The door says THE LAUNDRY ROOM: get all the good dirt here. :)

Another favorite - we had this deep space next to the refrigerator where I wanted to keep my recipe books. We had a cabinet put in place there so it would continue the flow of the cabinets. I love this space!!

Right below that is my tupperware cabinet. Organizing guru and good friend, Jan, came over to help me make it work. Tupperware storage has always been impossible for me, but this system is actually working!!

In celebration of our new home, Sophie's birthday, and the Christmas season we opened our house up the week before Christmas and had a big party. Here is Sophia in our kitchen. (We have a formal dining room, but we currently have it set up as an office). This is where we spend most of our time. I love the big windows and all the light that comes in. I had been worried it wouldn't be big enough for us, but it's perfect.

Every day I look around in amazement that we really live here now! It's changed everything. We are so thankful. There is still plenty of work to be done on the house. But it seems everyone I talk to feels the same way about their house. Home building is only partially about the structure you live in. As I was recently reminded by an inspiring woman, building a home is largely about the relationships it shelters.

The home building continues.

Choices

2011-10-27T14:21:00.002-05:00

Life is full of choices.

Who will you marry? What job will you take? How many kids will youhave?

And sometimes life seems like it throws things at us and wehad no choice.

I wanted more kids, but we couldn’t get pregnant. I can’t find a job – there are none hereclose to home. My house fell down andnow it seems we have to build a new one.

But really even at these moments, we make choices that areour decision. We could have brought in adouble-wide. Would that have been a goodchoice considering my husband is a contractor and builds houses? Probably not. Would it have been a lot less money and less hassle? More than likely.

It’s easy to see this with some things, not as easy withothers. Sometimes we go ahead and get pregnant, even when maybe it’s not the most ideal of circumstances. Sometimes we don’t return the phone call anextra day, and now that job is unavailable. Sometimes we are married to someone who just doesn’t have the same planwe do.

Life isn't fair. And life is not this cut and dry, really, either. None of these decisions or situations arereally as black and white as we might want to make them, or as we wish theycould be. Some of our children thinkthat mommies have babies because they prayed to Jesus and asked him for one. If only it was that simple. Some of our husbands think that we are homeall day and so the clothes should all be put away. Again – not quite that simple.

Either way, we have to admit the law of cause and effect isalive and well. When our choices haveled us to this moment, we have to work with it. I want to be working at the new house. In my mind, this “needs” to be done. Thankfully I have a lot of family to turn to. But I didn’t ask my mom or Aunt Kathy it wasok with them that I had a third kid or that we were going to build a house “onour own” (which really means with the help of those who love us). I didn’t check with them first. So if they can’t watch my kids, it’s nottheir fault. The choices I have made have led here to thismoment.

It’s not that no one wants to help me. It’s not personal. It’s my problem. I have to make choices because I have thisset of responsibilities in my life right now. I might not be able to go shopping with my friends or scrapbooking of anevening, because I’ve used up all my babysitters and I can’t afford to hiresomeone. I might not be able to make mydr. appointments when I want or go get groceries when I want, because I don’thave help at those times. I’m learning thatthe list of things that “need” to be done is a little different than I mightlike it to be.

As we get closer to moving into our house, and running outof money :) ,I find myself wondering how we are going to pay for all of the things I undoubtedlywill “need.” Closet shelving, curtains,fireplace mantle and surround, front porch finishing, lighting on the front ofthe garage. Yes, these were originallypart of the budget, but they have been pushed off the list as other thingsencroached and now I’m faced with some choices: Can I have everyone over to my house with an unfinished fireplace?

I’ve decided to embrace my situation. We won’t have enough money for me to havethings the way I want within the next 6 months. I’m going to be proud instead ofembarrassed. We have made the choice forme to stay home and take care of our family. Result: We don’t have enough money to make our house exactly how wewant. I’m hoping I can be ok withthis. We aren’t going anywhere. Those details will still be there when Edwinis school age. I can address themthen.

I was raised in a society that likes to blame others. I do that. But I was raised by parents who taught me my life is my problem. And as I get older I recognize that more, I guess. As I get older it’s a little easier to seethe big picture. What I think I “need”to have or to do today, is probably not as pressing as I think it is. I have choices.

And one of them is calling my name right now. :)

My Reality Can Change Someone Else's

2011-10-12T16:17:00.001-05:00

Over the past few years my brothers have become increasinglyaware of the needs of children all over the world. Both of them now work with organizations raising money to clothe, feed, and nurture children in both the United States andacross seas. As they have become morepassionate about these causes, this compassion has spilled over to theirfamily and friends. Last year whenJoseph decided to run his second marathon with Team World Vision, our familymade the move to sponsor a Hope Child.

This was something I had been wanting to do for years. I had always been hesitant about sending mymoney off to who-knows-where, but I knew that it could do some good. After realizing the history and reputationthat World Vision has (they were the first to create child sponsorships yearsago), I felt comfortable – and actually excited – about getting involved. My reality is so far from the world of these people who daily struggle to survive in a community with hardships I can't even imagine. But my reality, my blessings, can change the lives of these children. These communities have a lot of potential, but a lot of suffering.

Certainly there were times in our life whenwe simply could not even think about being able to afford this privilege. And although we run a tight ship these dayswith the new house and me staying at home with the kids, I faced the fact that$35 just isn’t that much money to part with each month. Especially when I know how much good it cando someone. World Vision makes it very easy to make this a reality inyour home. They send you informationabout your child and easy access to communicate with her and her family. They are helpful and kind and patient withus. :)

This year my brothers have decided to go to Uganda to run amarathon. I know, it sounds a little crazy. :) But it isn’t crazy if their team can findsponsors for 350 children who need support. There are 7 people on their team and they are sacrificing and training ina driven effort to expand awareness of what we can do to help communities inAfrica. You can find out more about their team and how this works. Oneclick, check it out, and open up yourself to the possibilities of what your $35could do for a community who needs clean water, health care, andeducation. If you would like moreinformation, find out more about Team World Vision with this link. Please pray about making this a reality foryou and your family.

I have a few Child Sponsorship folders that include a pictureand information about specific children. If you would like to look thru those and see if one would be a good fitfor your family, let me know. I’mcarrying them around with me these days. If you’d rather look thru some bios online, you can click here and see specific children who need a sponsor. If you haveany questions or would like to talk about the idea or the process, let meknow. I'm stretching myself out of my comfort level a little here :),but chatting about these kids and this incredible opportunity is something I'm happy to do.

Thanks for taking the time to consider this.

Sincerely,

Angela

A Message for Moms of Small Children

2011-10-06T16:27:00.002-05:00

It turns out I spend a lot of my Time thinking about howmuch Time I have. I suspect there aremany moms out there that can relate. This thought process will include contemplation of whether I spend toomuch Time sleeping in the morning and how I should probably be getting upearlier. (I could get so much more accomplished if I was up at 5, right?!) It includes thoughts about how I can makebetter use of our Time before school in the mornings, and how I could possiblystreamline mealtime. I spend a lot of Timefeeling guilty for how I am not spending enough Time in the Word or reading withmy kids. Lately I’ve been wishing I hadmore time to blog and to hang out with my husband.

Today at Mom’s Bible Study we talked about Time and how weshould probably be spending more time just getting to know our kids. There was a lot of talk about perspective andpriorities. It made me think about whatmy priorities are when I come home. Whatdo I do with my Time?

My house is rarely cleaned up really good to startwith. This isn’t a self-help session onwhy, but it’s pertinent to the conversation because I’m already walking into aroom that is screaming for my Time. However, the first thing that is addressed is: What are the needs of my children right now? #1. Is it time for anyone toeat? Are my kids hungry? Is it time for the baby’s bottle? #2 then is, does anyone need to becleaned? Diapers or baths anyone? And #3 tackles sleep. Is it naptime? Is it bedtime? Is anyone especially crabby that they requireimmediate attention?

Ok, so that was my kids. Then my husband gets the same attention. :) Right? I mean, if he has just come home, those arethe issues that need to be addressed first. If he walks in the door filthy, at least one of those things needs to berectified before I can hand him a child.

Lastly then I ask if Ineed food, a shower, or a nap. Haha,actually that last one was funny because that is rarely addressed. Anyway, it turns out these things take a lotof time! But if I haven’t had a showerin over a day and a half I am not functioning very well. And now look – the dishes that come from theappetite and the clothes that come from the dirt are waiting for you when youare finished meeting everyone’s needs. We haven’t even touched homework, reading, piano practice, playtime,picking up toys, or a devotion time. Notto mention mental sanity events including a phone call with a girlfriend or avisit to grandma’s house.

This isn’t a list of excuses or justification for my kitchentable looking the way it does. It’ssimply a meeting with reality. We spenda lot of time in “fairy-tale-land” as my 4-year-old says, but occasionally it’sa good idea to take a look at reality. If you are beating yourself up because things don’t ‘look the way youwant them to,’ take a break. Look at whatyou’ve accomplished today. Are yourchildren safe? Clean enough? Fed? Haveyou bathed in the last 36 hours? Thencut yourself some slack. The laundrywill still be there when your husband gets clean enough to hold the baby for awhile. :)

The woman in my kitchen

2011-09-22T12:32:00.000-05:00

When I imagine myself
in my new house

it's always quiet there
and usually I'm alone.

(Which is funny for a lot of reasons.)

I am standing in the kitchen
in the sunlight
looking out my
big
new
windows.

I'm holding a mug
(even though I don't drink coffee)
and wearing a warm, cozy robe.

I'm smiling slightly,
a content
- at peace -
look on my face.

It's early morning
(except I'm never up before 6:30)
and
of course
the kitchen is clean.

There is some clutter
(this isn't complete fiction)
mostly because we just moved and we're still unpacking.

And I'm thinking about how
good
it is
to finally be home.

The woman in my kitchen
could be me

(it rarely occurs to me she's not).

But occasionally I wonder,
worry a little,

about what's real
and what only exists

in my dreams.

This room

2011-09-12T17:21:00.002-05:00

I’d like to walk into rooms

and read poetry to people.

Not to have them wonder about me

or think I’m something I’m not.

But to have them feel something

otherthan the despair of the moment

otherthan the frustration of having to answer the question before them.

It fills me up.

Like a weak battery recharging

like the first deep breathing on a Spring walk through theyard

like a quenching drink.

It satisfies

and makes me feel whole again;

like I’m a part of something.

Something bigger than me

something I just shared withsomeone else

somewhere

who sat in aroom

close to awindow

writing thewords the wind brought in.

This room could use that samebreeze.

Changes

2011-09-11T22:13:00.003-05:00

Yikes, it hasbeen a while. I was thinking yesterday - I hope after we move I can do thisregularly again. I imagine myself sitting in the sunlight of my new kitchen, atthe table - no doubt surrounded in chaos only having moved that week - but writing. Taking time a few times a week to write.

Life continuesto change. It makes me smile because I think usually we say "nothing newhere," while all the while nothing is really the same. Kids are growing,we are learning, life throws us its surprises and we bounce back acting as ifnothing happened. But honestly, nothing is the same. Edwin turned ONE thisweekend. Much to our confusion, it has been a year since we first met him! Hehas been as handsome and charming as we suspected he would be. This weekend hewent from occasionally taking a few steps when we begged him, toawkwardly making his way to the things he wants – namely his new toys or the visitorswe had. Very fun.

The girls havegotten into the groove of their new school year. We have welcomed the routine and adjustednicely, I think. In the midst of workingat the new house and trying to maintain regular daily stuff, I didn’t know ifit would be possible. But it has beengood. Crazy, but good.

Brad and Ihave entered our 13^th year of marriage and feel like we’ve startedsomething new in our life together. Aseries of events has shown us (or reminded us?) of the importance of connectingdaily. We’ve been really intentionallyspending time together - almost every day - turning the TV off, listening toeach other and working on US. It hasbeen challenging but good. We both knowthat we are moving towards a better place as a couple and a family. The world looks different from here, but it’sgrowing on us.

The house iscloser than ever! J I say that with a laugh – it had better be!! Brad has been working hard to “finish.” The finishing is just as time-consuming asthe starting. Trim, floors, cabinets,plumbing, stairs (eventually we will not have to climb a ladder to get in!), lighting– before we can get final inspection done. It looks more like a house certainly, but until we have the magic paperswe can’t move in. Besides, who wants tomove in without carpet and then have to move everything around 2 more times? Anyway, so thankful for Brad’s mom and AuntKathy varnishing doors. And father-in-lawDenny has moved all kinds of dirt so you can even tell where the yard ends andthe driveway starts! We are veryexcited.

I was prettybummed last weekend as I looked ahead at all the work to be done and how wemight not be in by the end of September as we’d planned. I had my little meltdown and delt. But then on Monday I read something aboutgoal-setting that was really comforting. It was actually in a Pampered Chef newsletter that I get. Karyn Battey, who was recently promoted toExecutive Director, says this:

“Don’t be afraid to set big, lofty goals. After all, someone has to have them! Just make sure to set a deadline. If you don’t meet that deadline, don’tabandon the goal. Simply celebrate whatyou’ve accomplished thus far, decide what you’re going to do next, and set anew deadline.”

This was agood moment for me. It’s REALLY hard toset lofty goals – or at least it is for me. And my husband is worse than I am! But we had decided back in July that it would be a good idea to set agoal for a move-in date. That this woulddrive us and push us and help us stay focused. And it has. And certainly thereis plenty to celebrate! The house looksamazing, it’s better than I ever imagined, and we WILL move in one of thesedays. Happy about change!

A Kitchen

2011-08-19T08:40:00.003-05:00

I finally get the chance, just for a few minutes, to write – and I stare at the keys. There is so much lately that I have wanted to share. So many moments. But I barely have time for updates.Yesterday we were cleaning here at home, and I felt like I was making little progress. Even after 4 boxes of packing, the living room had been destroyed again by some little helpers. There’s just a lot going on.

School starts next week for us. We have been on a very not-school-friendly schedule this summer. We stay up late so we can see or help daddy, and sleep in a bit. The girls need more rest and I’m trying to figure out how we are going to balance everything between now and move in day.

Brad has insisted, though, that we get away before the summer is officially over. We will head up to Chicago soon for a couple of nights as a family. I’m looking forward to it. We have a slow schedule planned and I hope we can just enjoy some time away from all the responsibilities we have facing us here.

When we leave we will leave a house much closer to move-in-ready. Here is what I found when I went out to the house last night!

The kids were excited too! Even Edwin couldn’t get enough of that new kitchen floor. He crawled around in circles giggling and pounding on it with his toy car. It was pretty entertaining.Honestly, that’s kindof what I wanted to do too. I loved watching him celebrate it with us.

It’s funny how yesterday was a reminder, again, of how differently Brad and I think. I assume that one would lay all the floors (kitchen, bathroom, etc), then set all the cabinets, then work on all the plumbing. But for one reason or another, after finishing the kitchen floor, in came the cabinets and he started hanging them as soon as he could. (I think part of the reason is that he enjoys cabinet work. J) We both are very pleased with the cabinets that we chose and currently favor the kitchen. Good thing, since the kitchen is where I spend most of my time.

Now if I could only pick out my ceiling fans, we’d be almost done making decisions. I look forward to that day. Almost as much as I look forward to move-in day.

The home building continues… J

House Update July '11

2011-07-29T11:24:00.000-05:00

The house is coming right along. If you’ve seen us lately, you know that that is our focus right now and we are seeing big progress. We decided while drywall was being put up (a subcontractor did it instead of Brad – yay!!), we would do a little landscaping. I love how it turned out, but we need a lot more plants and that didn’t get done before it got too hot. Oh, well – next year. But now we have paint on the walls, wood flooring waiting to be installed, and the lighting is arriving here and there. Dad is helping with electrical, Brad’s dad is helping with the septic tank (yikes), and Brad is doing what he can. I’m trying to do what I can when I can get the kids somewhere else. We are planning to be moved in well before the holiday season begins.

I am so excited about all of this finally becoming a reality! I get a little ahead of myself sometimes, and have a hard time with how long things take. You’d think I’d have figured all that out by now, but as the end approaches I am as anxious and impatient as ever! Cabinets are ordered and have arrived, I’m close to picking out carpeting, and we’re slowly packing up our house. We are officially going with stained trim, but are running into some glitches trying to find the right color. Hopefully this weekend that will be taken care of. Can’t wait till the living room ceiling has what it needs so we can take the scaffolding down! J

Here are some pictures of our progress!

Family Update

2011-07-29T10:49:00.000-05:00

I can’t believe it’s been the end of May since I last posted on here. Actually, the end of May I was swamped, so I’m kindof impressed I squeezed that in. ;)

Life is good this summer. Busy, as summers are, but really good. Edwin is growing like a weed and is amazing, as babies tend to be. He has finally gotten a tooth and is working on the others. He is into everything and has turned into a bit of a mama’s boy. The first 10 months he was super easy. Now he’s a little more normal. J He adores Sophie and especially loves to play the piano with her when she is trying to practice. He is also VERY interested in the computer, to the tune of ripping out a key or two. This is one of the reasons I can’t get a blog post in. As I type he is standing at my legs yelling. J

Sophie continues to get ridiculously tall and grown-up. She is not exactly excited about school coming up, but we are trying to talk it up. Piano lessons are going well for her; she is still motivated to work on things and has not lost the novelty of it. She does get awfully frustrated; after all, she is an oldest perfectionist daughter. So we are working on that. Still loves art and math and helping dad with house. Oh, and swimming. Really loves to swim.

Clare continues to be hilarious and moody. I think she matured with some things early and now she’s regressing. I don’t know, but she’s a handful. Right now she’s pouting in her room. But she could come out at any moment and tell me she’s sorry and that she loves me and can we please have a popsicle. She’s having a fun summer with cousins and is excited about school. As she should be. Preschool is awesome.

Not a Battle

2011-05-24T11:53:00.002-05:00

Plenty of to-do list surrounding me, but a few minutes of pause are available to me, so I will take them. Who knows how long I have before the battle begins again?

Wait. Let’s not call it a battle. I’ve had a couple of good reminders this morning about how great my job is. And it’s not that I don’t like my job. I do like it. When I run into people from my life as a teacher, and they say “How are you?! We miss you! Do you miss it?” I pause. I DO miss those people. I have missed teaching. But I am so entrenched in my SAHM life now - in a good way - that it’s like thinking back to another lifetime. Life is so different today.

And is it a battle? A battle with time, for sure. I struggle against the minutes that rush by. Only 22 minutes until we have to leave for school. Only 47 minutes till bedtime and we just sat down to eat. Only 8 days till the birthday party. Only 3 weeks till VBS starts. Only a couple months before he won’t fit into this anymore. Only a few years to impart all I can to my oldest.

And on the flip side of that, we “can’t wait” till that day comes. Hopefully the house will be done in the next 5 months. (Been saying that for years now J.) Looking forward to seeing you when we come up for vacation in July. Can’t wait to meet your baby – are you STILL pregnant? or When Daddy gets home, then maybe we can go to the park.

It’s a battle with time, no doubt. But I’d like to think of daily life a little differently. Not a battle. While my house does look like a WAR ZONE, it shouldn’t be a battle. Then what should I call it? I could liken it to a school: trying to teach my kids how to love, how to have compassion, how to clean their room. I might relate it to a game: attempting to stay one step ahead of my kids, strategizing my every move, and quickly – but carefully- choosing my next words so I can..what? Win? Well, sortof.

Really it’s just Life – in the fullest sense of the word. There is no one so full of life as a 4 year-old. There is no one who can remind you of the miracle of life, like a baby in your arms. There is no one who looks ahead to a life of possibilities like a 7 year-old. Life lives here. In my war zone – toys strewn about, yesterday’s clothes piled on top of the high laundry mountains that exude “life,” dirty dishes, open windows with the sunny breeze blowing in. This is where Life lives. My life. The life of my family.

It has been a busy one. It has been a struggle lately for me to find the right balance in the midst of a crazy schedule. I’ve had to put off writing, reading for pleasure, and social networking. But I am attempting to hold on to this life and make each day count. I get frustrated when I can’t slow down time. I feel like a failure when it seems I’m losing the game. So I am especially thankful for moments like this, when I can step back and, well, enjoy my life.

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

Poetry doesn't take as long...sometimes

2011-05-22T00:42:00.002-05:00

It Works

Soaking up the quiet night

I listen to my babies breathe.

I should sleep with them, but I can’t resist

breathing-in this moment.

So many things compete for

my attention, my eyes, my touch.

I relish these moments of sole-

soul searching.

My family, my husband, my life.. nothing is more a part of me, nothing I’d rather give my life to. My time to.

But I need to re-energize.

I wish I could get this

with all of them around.

But I can’t, and I laugh at how ironic life is.

What else can I do?
Crying is the alternative.

Tomorrow I will be frustrated with

how little I can accomplish.

And seconds later my heart will melt

at the reality of how much I love my children

when I’m helping Clare get dressed.

Because that’s how it works.

That’s how this works.

Life Now

2011-05-03T23:01:00.005-05:00

Long time since I posted any pictures of the house. These are certainly worthy. :) (See the house back there behind Edwin?)

The front door is in! I love it. That is one thing that is clearly new. Lots of things have been happening with the house, but they don't make exciting pictures. Plumbing and electrical are in. And there were a few more framing things Brad has been working on, but stuff you have to look hard to see. Inspector came thru and gave us the go-ahead, so we can move on to the next phase!

I've had some people ask for new pictures, and I guess I could take some more. Not sure what it is that's keeping me so busy these days... ? ;) just kidding. No, really, though it would be fun to go take some more pics. I should because soon we will be getting insulation and drywall and then things will look really different!!! We are at a turning point. Garage floor went in last weekend, insulation and drywall coming in soon and things will be changing! Not getting ahead of myself looking at moving dates, though. Still a lot of work to do and Brad still has a very full-time job.

Meanwhile, I'm just trying to take care of the house and life we have now. Lots to do - laundry, dishes, groceries, school trips, etc... It's very rewarding, but I have not had the time I wish I had to write. So that is suffering. But my kids are not. When we're home, we've found a couple of no-tv nights. The girls have been getting along pretty well overall, and they both want to do what they can to help out with baby brother. Sophie got new glasses and is persevering thru the parts of school she struggles with. She also continues to thrive at the parts she is fabulous at - namely math and handwriting and art. Clare's 4th birthday is quickly approaching and her wishlist is a mile long. :) And Edwin is generally happy.. especially when I am holding him or Sophie is in the room.

Trying to sort thru priorities lately has been a challenge. For a while there I was writing a lot, but the house and organized life were crumbling around me. Something always has to give. But this is a phase in my life - mother of small children - that will not last that long. So I want to give it as much attention as I can. Today I sat in an armchair feeding my baby boy a bottle. The house was quiet (girls were at school) and I rested my chin on his soft head. I took a deep breath and soaked it up. I looked down at him and rested my cheek on his fine hair. He looked up at me and smiled a little. He likes it when you snuggle. It's different the third time around. I know how quickly this changes. I know better than to wish away any moments. I know I can't get this back. Life marches on dutifully.

Been reading The Spirituality of the Cross and in it there is a part about the daily life of a Christian. It's these mundane moments, these uneventful minutes where we learn about the grace of God and the love of our Maker. I pray that you have a few minutes to soak it up this week. Enjoy your mundane moments. Give your daily frustrations to the Lord. Such is life.

Baby crying.. gotta go. :)

Good Things

2011-04-12T13:22:00.001-05:00

I’m trying to wrap my brain around our recent good fortune. Good things are happening, and I’m not sure how to respond.

I’m praising God, to be sure. But when I think about his role in all this, I mostly get confused.

Frankly, at this moment, I think I understand bad stuff better than I understand good stuff.

Maybe I should stop and clarify. When I say “understand,” I mean as well as my pitiful human brain can at this point in my life. I cannot, nor should I, ever understand God’s ways. I’m actually ok with having some questions unanswered.

But I “get” that I deserve very little. I “get” that I have made my own bed and have had to sleep in it. Bad financial decisions have made life harder. Not stopping to listen, or learn, or think – has put me in deep water with other people. I’ve made some bad decisions. I “get” that.

And every day, almost, I worry a little that some horrible calamity will befall our family. That we will suffer grave loss or pain of some kind. Then I find myself amazed that we’ve had it so good for so long. I’m sure if I was in the midst of anguish, I would be crying out “Why me?! Take it away!!” to my God. But today, suffering makes sense. As a pathetic sinner, I have done nothing to deserve otherwise.

What then should I say when good fortune is before me? Life isn’t easy, certainly, and it’s not that we have come into some large estate that will fix all of our financial concerns. But, we are in a really good place. Kids and family are healthy. House is coming along. Baby sleeps at night. Business is good.

And it’s not because of anything I have done. It’s not a reward because I trust Jesus. It’s not because I’m good with my kids, or feed them the right food, or don’t gamble. It’s not because I said the right thing, or prayed the right way.

So what is the appropriate way to respond to blessings such as these? I am thanking God. I want to lift up His name as the one to be thanked and praised. But I don’t want people to get the wrong impression either. Looking to your Savior doesn’t mean you-get-what-you-want.

I feel that I have been trusted with much and I need to glorify Him with it. When we finally move into our new home, I want it to be used to welcome people. As a healthy family, I want us to be available for others to lean on. When we have two coats, I want to share with those who have none. When we have enough food, I want to share with those who don’t.

But I know this isn’t enough. Nothing will ever be enough. It’s not about me and what I’ve done. It’s about Jesus and what He does for us. Every one of us, in the midst of enough or not enough, thirsts for a Savior. Thirsts for someone, something, who can satisfy all our needs, all our wants. He takes the focus off of us and what we do, and He puts it where it belongs: on our Creator. He saves us from ourselves and all the messes we’ve made. Because He loves us. Because He made us, we are worthy of receiving from Him. Because He died for us, we ARE worthy of living with Him and being with Him. Because of His sacrifice, I can celebrate the good things! I can be Joyful and Happy, and I can Praise and Love! Because of what HE did, I can LIVE.

This is probably going to have to be one more thing I don’t really understand. I’d love your thoughts on this. But for now I’ll do what Paul suggests, and “Hold on to the good.” (I Thes 5:21)

Wanted: Wisdom

2011-03-24T11:07:00.003-05:00

A couple of months ago I was really struggling with my school-age child. We were butting heads constantly. I was so frustrated with her “attitude” and wanted to nip it Right then and There. Unfortunately, that translated into constant criticism, which didn’t get me the results I wanted PLUS made both of us feel terrible about ourselves all the time.

I backed off and decided to pick my battles with a little more wisdom. It turns out parenting is a process and so is her developing personality. While I can’t let her rule the family with her bossiness, I can’t be constantly reprimanding her either. I’ve changed my strategy and currently things are a bit better. I won’t elaborate on “my strategy” unless you ask me to, because I’m not really here to dole out parenting advice.

I’m here because I’m looking for some.

Next up on The Challenges of Parenting a School-Age Child Experience: How to Handle Struggles at School. This episode – Reading.

My oldest is brilliant in many ways. She has fabulous ideas, she’s great with numbers, and she’s a Creator. But she’s been slow to become a fluent reader. At this point neither her teacher nor I think she’s dealing with a disability. We may find otherwise down the road, but so far we just think it’s taking her a little longer than many of her peers.

I’m not freaking out about this. But I am trying to address the situation appropriately, and I want to help her. She’s frustrated about it and knows she is kind-of behind. Yesterday we got her report card and sat down to look at it together. Those of you who have walked this road know that children can take this sort of thing really personally. I did not realize this. I focused in on the great parts of her report card, and there are many. But her attention went straight to the weaknesses. I read her what the teacher said in the Comments, which included that “she is improving” but needs to “practice more to increase her fluency” and that she could also work on her writing skills. I read the positive comments too and looked over and she was crying. L It made me sad. O, oldest perfectionist daughter! O, sweet first grader who wants to please her teacher... and her parents! Please don’t cry.

So I tried to comfort her and we talked a little and it wasn’t the end of the world. But the planner in me has a hard time not laying it all out:

“Ok, Sophie, we need to work on this. So after you get done with your homework every night, and then piano practice, we need to spend 45 minutes, at least, reading. We’ll go thru this checklist that your teacher suggests and….”

No. I didn’t say that. But it was hard not to. I don’t want her to be thinking about what a drag this is that she has to read more. I want her to be motivated and willing. I don’t want to be crabby about it, and I’m determined not to.

So what is your advice for approaching this with her? I’m thinking she might enjoy a chart. She is an oldest type A, after all. I have some ideas for rewards… I just don’t know. I want to know what not to say, and what I could say that would be helpful. And I think largely, I need to pray that I don’t destroy any confidence that she does have. And that I can help to build her up. Any of your suggestions are welcome.

Mom's Devotional Blog

2011-03-18T00:23:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine started a devotional blog for moms called Growing HIS Kids. She started it back in Feb and I've been honored to be writing some devotionals for the blog. There is a decent sized group of moms writing for it and it's been pretty cool what they've come up with! It's a blog where moms can find a daily devotional, that's scripture based, and (bonus!) helpful!!! :) I know; it's cool. My friend is smart. ;)

I guess I haven' exactly explained all this since we're on facebook, but anyway - today's post on the blog is from me. I wrote about how the Lord can take care of my marriage, regardless of how much of a screw-up I am. Whew! What a relief!!

Refocusing

2011-03-16T00:15:00.003-05:00

As usual, Hearts-at-Home National Conference was fabulous. It was different for me this year, but it was still good. When it was all over I had a lot of processing to do, and to be honest I’m still working on it. I noticed that when I came home Brad was prepared for me to come in and announce whatever life changes I would now be implementing. After 7 years, he has learned. And I think he appreciates that usually it’s good stuff that benefits our marriage and our family.

Every year I think I come home and say “I need to re-focus.” It’s not a bad thing. It reminds me of one of the sessions we attended called Professional Parenthood. Kendra and John Smiley shared how we can approach our job as parents as a professional would approach their job. For example, ‘professionals’ set goals, and setting goals for our kids can help us figure out what they need from us. Professionals also EVALUTE themselves TRUTHFULLY. I think that’s what Hearts at Home does for me. It gives me an opportunity to think about what I’m doing and what I could be doing better. It helps me to separate the big issues from the minor ones. And it gives me the resources I need to find solutions to those issues.

So as usual, I’m ‘refocusing.’ I need to straighten out my priorities. I think I spend too much time online and not enough time washing clothes. I have been really focused on myself and my new life goals, lately. This is painfully obvious, but: just because I think I’m done having kids, doesn’t mean I can move onto the next phase. The next phase is not about me. It’s about being the hands-on parent I want to be: creating a structured safe-haven for my kids where they will be given tough choices and taught to handle success and failure in a loving family. It’s about them. And as much I think it would be fun to go after my master’s degree or write a book, the priority needs to be passionate parenting.

Of course my sanity depends on writing. I have to write. I have to have some time for me and my brain. I know I need to have an identity separate from that of MOM. But I think my biggest passion right now needs to be Motherhood. And I’m excited about that. Again.

Housewives of Central IL

2011-03-09T08:50:00.000-06:00

There is a tight-knit group of us moms that regularly marvel at how God has blessed us with each other. We have very little girl-drama in our group, judgment is somehow kept at bay, and the cattiness is non-existent. I know. It’s crazy. I mean, I’m not sure it can be documented anywhere else. ;) Instead we feel uplifted and encouraged by each other. A well-timed phone call, a dropped-off meal, your favorite drink appearing on your counter – everyone should have such good friends.

We are amused with the contrast between our lives and that of “Housewives of ____.” Not only do we work with much smaller budgets (understatement!), but our relationships are sources of positive energy and love – not negativity and complication. We think the world should know about Housewives of IL and how great female friendship CAN be, and we’ve joked about getting our own show. But we also know it might be too boring for today’s audiences. J

These days most of us have sick children. RSV, ear-infections, sinus infections, stomach issues – just like any other group of moms these days, we are having our challenges. Then of course there are part-time jobs, housework, online obligations, PTL, and other various extra-curricular activities thrown into the mix. Add in a funeral or two, a sick husband, the rocketing price of gas, and a sudden change in a deadline - and you’ve got the recipe for a stressed-out mom.

Two of us were exchanging lists of craziness yesterday. As I walked back to my van I thought – “So much for Housewives of Central IL… How ‘bout Super-Moms?” I mean, seriously – what superhero wants to fly into the face of these challenges? So far we’re holding it together (mostly) in the midst of $180 prescriptions, a burnt meal-exchange, and a trip to New Jersey for a funeral. Whininess is no match for our focus! A smokey kitchen will not shut down our mission to feed our families! Money? Who needs it? We will find a way! We triumph over it with a fabulous $100 deal at a water-park on the way home from the funeral! We prevail with a pizza-order, met with cheers from our children (and husband)! We settle in with our babies at home, happy for the break their infection provides – we don’t have any money to go anywhere anyway!!

Maybe it’s deliria or denial. But somehow we come out of it with a smile. Thank goodness for our hilarious children. Thank goodness for prayer. And praise the Lord for our friends. Ready at a moment’s notice, gifted with the powers of comfort and support – The Super-Moms of Central IL will do whatever they have to do to uphold the statutes of family. This is our job and though we wish earnestly that someone else would come clean our kitchens, we move forward with resilience. We will be victorious!!!

Life-Changing

2011-03-04T13:50:00.005-06:00

Been a few weeks since I posted and I'm well aware of the fact. I want to be writing, but there is so much to do! Life is good lately, just busy.

But Hearts at Home is in one week and I'm really looking forward to it. I know I could use the fill-up and I am excited to come home more enthusiastic and refreshed for my family. Hearts has been such a life-changing experience for me over the years. Here is a list of advice I've gotten from Hearts at Home Conference that has changed my life. It is no particular order. (Although the first two were from year one. That was an emotional year for sure.)

1. Your life needs margins. Do what you have to do to get them.

2. If you have a demon, you need to face him; for the sake of your children, your husband, and yourself.

3. If you want to be a good parent, take care of your marriage. Find time to get away together. You're kids will benefit greatly.

4. You are someone apart from being a mom. Figure out who it is, because someday your babies will grow up and you will need a life.

5. God made you a mom for these kids very much on purpose. Don't be so hard on yourself. You have special qualities that make you the best person for this job.

6. Sex is really a big deal for your marriage. So is communicating. Find a way to fulfill the needs of both parties.

7. You're not alone.

8. Get a family picture taken. Even if it's just a snapshot. Print it 5x7 or bigger. Hang it in your house. It will be uplifting to you and your kids.

9. Take time for yourself. Also, take time to hang out with Jesus - just the two of you.

10. Pray without ceasing.

I believe they still accept walk-ins, if you're interested! Let me know, I'll meet you there! ;)

Healthy Babies

2011-02-22T09:59:00.000-06:00

A friend of a friend was struggling with breastfeeding. I don’t remember all the details, but she was a mess about it – as most of us are when trying to figure out how to nourish our babies. Nursing wasn’t working and she had to bottle-feed and was having a lot of guilt. Her turning point came when she was sitting in the baby room at church bottle-feeding. Another mom was nursing and said to her with a loving smile, “Isn’t it wonderful that God gave us more than one way to feed our babies?”

Praise the Lord for that. I love nursing my babies. I love that God has given me that opportunity. But as I said to a friend this morning, I’m tired of complaining about pain. With all my kids I have had this pain on my left side. It isn’t while I nurse, it’s later on. We (doctors, friends, me) think it must be something with my milk ducts when they refill. They’ve done tests, we’ve taken meds - nothing really works. So back in January my OB and I agreed that I would try to suffer through it until at least March to try to get past cold and flu season.

Yesterday I sat and nursed Edwin and gazed at him as you might imagine mommies do (they really do that), and loved every second of it. I soaked in all the goodness of our connection and his growth and how fabulous he is just generally. J

This morning I limped through a solid hours worth of shooting pain and cursed the body that yesterday I’d praised. I’m done, I thought. After talking it over with a friend, I resolved not to nurse off that side ever again. Would I stick to it? I dunno. The big issue of course is, will he take a bottle instead? He has a few times, but usually not without argument. So far it’s almost always been someone else, per the experts.

Lunch time for Eddie came around 12:30. He had just gotten up from his nap and was ready to eat. I warmed some water and got the formula out. 4 ounces of bottle later, I stood in the kitchen and prayed, holding him tight, “Please, Jesus, let this work. Please, Jesus, let this work. Please, Jesus, let this work…” We sat down, and very anti-climatically, he took the bottle. I spoke softly to him the whole time, wanting him to be reassured that this in no way affected our status as mommy and baby. He paused after a minute or two and played for a while, but to my relief continued until it was gone. A good burp or two later, and he was satisfied. As I carried him into the kitchen, he cuddled up to me, seemingly aware of the reassurance that I needed, that this in no way affects our status as mommy and baby.

As I fed him I gazed on him not unlike yesterday. Except this time I saw something different and realized anyone can feed him like this. It means a smoother afternoon for him when I am gone. It means I know exactly how much he’s getting, and maybe he’ll gain weight. It means, well – that a lot is different, really.

And I’m happy. A little sad that he is getting bigger, but for goodness sakes he is so fun right now and hilarious and cute. I love that my big cereal-eating boy has slept a good solid night for the last three, and that he laughs and talks to his sisters like he really knows what’s going on. I’m happy that I can move past nursing without guilt, knowing my baby will be well-fed and healthy. I’m happy that God gives us more than one way to feed our babies.

Monday's Mom Moment

2011-02-21T22:47:00.004-06:00

Clare is not the queen of going to bed. She is the queen of stalling. :) Tonight I was laying down with her for a couple minutes and she wouldn't stop talking.

"Clare, be quiet, honey. It's time to stop talking and rest."

"Ok, Mama," she whispers. "Just one more thing..."

"What."

"Mama, Mama..." she pauses for dramatic effect and slowly says...

"Mama, why is in 'Chihuahua' is there a 'wha' sound?"

Swallow the laugh...

"Clare. I have no idea. Go to sleep."

Love you, Clare.

Love you, Sophie.

Go to sleep, please.

In the Kitchen

2011-02-21T11:36:00.008-06:00

Many of you know that I recently became a Pampered Chef Independent Kitchen Consultant. So far I'm loving it. Most people agree that Pampered Chef has a great product. The idea of being in direct sales only started creeping onto my radar when I quit my full-time gig - before that I would have scoffed at the idea. And even after, I couldn't imagine what I would be willing to sell. But since my job has become more about home management, I've had to find creative ways to feed my family. And I am a big believer in having the right tools for the job. I've loved Pampered Chef since my first stone 10 years ago, and I love the idea of helping other people find easy ways to make mealtime easier and more fun. This weekend when I was preparing food for a get-together with friends, I had a lot of fun using my sharp knives, no stick muffin pan, and delicious recipes.

A few weeks ago I was talking about trying a meal plan that Pampered Chef has. It's a pack of cards that give recipes and grocery lists for a 2 week time-span. Life has gotten in the way of me getting thru all 2 weeks worth of recipes, but we've gotten thru enough of them to know they are pretty good- even for my picky eaters (esp my husband!). Anyway, friends and family want me to share and I'm willing and able. So don't be surprised to see some recipes popping up on here regularly.

Today's recipe is SO easy and absolutely fabulous. Lisa, this ones for you. Dust that Deep Covered Baker out and get it going! The Deep Covered Baker is all the rage right now and it is because it is so easy to use and clean. It can go in the microwave to make breakfast, dinner, or dessert!

Rush Hour Chicken Fajitas

Ingredients

2 medium green or red bell peppers or combination

2 medium onions

2 garlic cloves, peeled

1 1/2 lbs boneless, skinless chicken breasts

2 tsp Chipotle Rub (or taco or fajita seasoning)

12 flour tortillas

Toppings - cheese, sour cream, salsa

Directions

1. Slice peppers and onions. Slice garlic (use PC Garlic Slicer if you have it). Put veggies in Deep Covered Baker. Coat the chicken with the seasoning. Place chicken over veggies in the baker.

2. (This is the best part! :) MICROWAVE, covered, on HIGH 12-15 minutes or until internal temp reaches 165 in thickest part of chicken and juices run clear. Chop or shred chicken. (PC Salad Choppers can be used for this.) Stir chicken and veggies together.

3. Warm up tortillas. (Small tortillas can be put into the Large Micro-Cooker and microwaved on High for 30 seconds.) Spoon chicken and veggie mixture onto centers of tortillas, add toppings, and chow down!

Yields 6 servings.

Enjoy!! And email me if you are interested in The Pampered Chef!

My Daily Bread

2011-02-07T10:08:00.001-06:00

Give us this day our daily bread…

Lord, you always provide for me. This weekend you gave me a day away.. and cooperative children. You cleared my mind for the planning, and you included new friends and inspiration. You give me opportunities to hold my children, pay my bills, and get my groceries. You have given me a vehicle that runs, usually has heat, and the safety features we need to keep our family safe.

You’ve provided me with a pediatrician who I trust. With flu shots, with medicine.. actually, with amazingly healthy kids. I have the money I need to pay my bills, the resources to figure out how to manage my money, and the motive – my family.

I have a warm home. I have ideas about how I can make it more functional for my family. I have little girls who get excited about a place for their things. I have groceries and a kitchen and an oven.

I have friends who call and share a laugh – fuel for my soul. I have brothers and sisters who care and celebrate life’s little victories with me. I have parents who would drop everything for my children.

This is my bread. The fact is, this is my daily bread. I have a country that allows me freedom to work and live as I wish. I was raised in a middle class home and have somehow maintained that into my adult life. This is my daily bread. It’s a feast, it’s an overwhelming feast that I do not deserve. But it is daily what God provides for me.

Amazing.

I Can Relate

2011-02-03T22:52:00.001-06:00

I sat down at the computer to write the sentence “Motherhood is often a lonely job.”

Before I could do so, two children were climbing on me, putting chapstick on my lips (whether I wanted some or not), one asking to sit with me, and one leaning on me after bumping her head on the table she approached which has the computer on it.

Sigh. Deep breath. After taking smaller girl to the bathroom, I’m back reflecting on my original sentence. Well, still not very lonely – she is on my lap of course.

But I still maintain that while we can be surrounded by children, this can be a lonely job.

In the middle of the night feeding a hungry baby. In the middle of a store comforting an injured, screaming toddler. In the middle of the morning rush – the only one who seems to understand what time school starts.

It can feel kindof lonely.

I have a wonderful husband. But let’s face it – most parenting decisions he defers to me. We work together and talk thru bedtimes and attitudes about school and homework. But I end up being the last word on some pretty big decisions like potty training, when to start solid foods, and whether they need to see a doctor. Not to mention I’m in charge of what we eat (taking into account everyone’s likes and dislikes of course), how much it costs, and having it ready. When I look at a living room full of clothes that need to be folded and put away, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed since the clothes won’t be folding themselves.

This is why I cried all day when I first went to the National Hearts-at-Home Conference back when Sophie was born. Being in a convention hall full of women who shared the same decisions, the same heartaches, the same insecurities…was a new discovery for me.

It’s why I make Mom’s Bible Study a priority – I need that community. It’s why I am SO thankful for my fellow mom-friends and phone calls where we can laugh and cry about our parenting dilemmas. It’s why I attempt to reach out to new moms with comforting words and zero judgment. It’s why I write.

It’s why I’m so thankful that every day is a new day. That I have a forgiving God with whom I can plead with as often as I need to. That He is always listening. And always loving.

This job can be lonely. Covered in children, surrounded by things – when I feel alone it’s my job to do something about it. Prayer, a phone call, a frank discussion with my partner – or just a nice conversation about the latest family milestone. Because loneliness is not going to fix itself. As moms, we can’t wait for civilization or a friendly conversation to come to us. We have to seek it out. For the sake of our mental health and our brains. Even if it’s turning on a mom talk show, or joining in an online conversation - be a part of a mom community. You’re not alone. I can relate. Someone can always relate. J

p.s. If you haven’t registered for Hearts-at-Home yet this year, or want to learn more about it, click on this link. A day led by Jill Savage will do wonders for your Mommy-Brain.

Procrastinating

2011-02-02T20:54:00.005-06:00

There is plenty to do around here, but I’d rather be writing! Or at least sharing. Or reading. Ok, anything but cleaning! So, I found a good excuse to be here. Here are some of my favorite verses:

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my Peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Philippians 2:9-11

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place,

and gave him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,

to the glory of God the Father.

Isaiah 55:11,12

…so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills

will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field

will clap their hands.

Titus 3:4-8

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his Mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that having been justified by his Grace, we might become heirs having the Hope of Eternal Life. This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good.

I Peter 4:8

Above all, Love each other deeply, because Love covers a multitude of sins.

Colossians 3:23

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men…

I Timothy 6:6-8

Serving God does make us rich, if we are satisfied with what we have. We brought nothing into the world, so we can take nothing out. But if we have food and clothes, we will be satisfied with that.

I Thessalonians 5:9-11

For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Revelation 21:3

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

2 Corinthians 12:9

And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”

Song of Solomon 8:6,7

Place me like a seal over your heart,

like a seal on your arm;

for love is as strong as death,

its jealousy unyielding as the grave.

It burns like a blazing fire,

like a mighty flame.

Many waters cannot quench love;

rivers cannot sweep it away.

If one were to give

all the wealth of one’s house for love,

it would be utterly scorned.

Mark 1:40-42

A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, “If you re willing, you can make me clean.”

Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cured.

The more time I spend in the word, the more I get to know the heart of Jesus and the love of God. I urge you to choose a passage and read more of the context. Get lost in it for a while, no matter how much your house needs cleaned. J And share some of your favorite verses with me. I tend to come back to the same ones over and over. I need to branch out.

Full-Time Praises

2011-01-27T16:20:00.006-06:00

Last night Brad and I decided I won't go back to subbing this semester. And this is kindof a big deal.

For the past year or 2 I've been available as a substitute teacher. I enjoyed it and the money was helpful. It wasn’t all the time or anything, but it was good. However, since Edwin’s arrival the logistics of such a thing have been in question. How do we get Sophie to school? Or home? Is the money worth it after paying for child care? Is there enough to do managing our home? But, the money would be SO helpful.

But my heart has not been in it. I mean, these days I’m daydreaming about making my own baby food, finding ways to save money on household needs, and nursing my baby for as long as my body will allow. I need to put some real time into my new Pampered Chef business and work on new house decisions. Certainly these are things that can be done with an outside job, but 3 kids complicates time management. (Something I’m not awesome at to begin with. Let’s be honest.)

When we ran the logistics we both felt that subbing is not in the cards right now. And when that decision was made, my soul took a deep breath and felt a weight lift. Being able to really devote myself to staying home fulltime right now.. taking care of my kids and my home.. it’s something I never imagined would be real. But it is. By the grace of God only, it is. It isn’t because I worked hard.. it isn’t because I earned it.. it isn’t because God loves me more. It’s because it is His will right now for our family. It’s because He has a plan to use me, here, right now. And I am so thankful.

Today on my way to pick up my sick preschooler from school, I was thankful. Oh, Lord, thank you so much for making this easy. I don’t have to rearrange a work schedule, I don’t have to worry about the stress of leaving my job – I am at my job. As I carried my feverish baby girl out of school, I was sad for her. But I was happy for me.

And again this afternoon, sitting with my school age girl, folding clothes and doing homework – I am thankful. Edwin close by, Your Love is Strong by Jon Foreman playing in the background... Sophie and I singing together – I am overwhelmed with joy. Here are some of the lyrics in case you aren’t familiar…

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day…

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need…

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong.

And I continue to be amazed.

I thought about not sharing my good fortune. I don’t want people to be annoyed with my happiness. But, I need to praise the Lord and I can’t believe that I should keep this quiet! Hopefully it won’t discourage, but uplift and encourage others. If I can brag about my Jesus, I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m suppose to do. His Love Is Strong, and it’s what we all need to be holding onto.

It's Not the Internet's Fault

2011-01-26T05:00:00.000-06:00

I love my technology.

For the record, I don't have a smart phone (though, I'd love one if I had unlimited funds to spend on it:). But I do have my laptop, Brad and I both have cellphones, and of course we have the DVR hooked up to our TV. These are things I like.

Last week there was a lot of media attention about some books that came out written by moms who had cut off technology in their families. Our media is so black and white that a debate immediately started up: Technology: yay, or nay?

Why does life have to be so all or nothing with people? I know the "all in moderation" response isn't as exciting, but doesn't it make more sense?

Here's the thing: This technology has made me a more informed mom. It has inspired me to save money and given me some of the tools to do so. It has connected me with moms from all over, where I can feel like I'm a part of a community that can be supportive and helpful.

One example happened this morning. Last week a girlfriend told me she heard that the autism-vaccine scare has been debunked. Apparently the guy who published his research back in 1998, falsified facts and information that helped to prove his theory. Since then other studies have been done - a lot of other studies - and none of them found the connection that his did. But it was too late. Moms all over were making the powerful decision to skip the vaccines, and promoting this to other moms.

So the other day, my girlfriend shares this new information with me and I am fascinated. I've never completely bought into the connection, but certainly with a little boy about to start a significant series of shots, there is that little voice in the back of my head...wondering. But because I am "connected," I hop on my internet connection this morning, look up the topic "causes of autism" and quickly find a number of articles explaining what happened. Furthermore, I can find more than one source - to be sure that this isn't some random suspicion, but is in fact, corroborated by more than one reputable source.

Technology makes me happy.

My favorite thing, though, is probably the relationships that have been built and strengthened. I am pretty sure I would NOT be as close to my long distance sisters-in-law if we didn't have email and cellphones so handy and affordable. We talk regularly, share recipes, plan trips, and find common ground that you just can't cover when everyone is home for a holiday now and then. I thank God for these relationships daily, and for the tools that make them happen.

People need to be straight about things. The internet should not be handled carelessly. Family members have to make each other accountable for the content they are viewing and the amount of time they are spending in front of their screen. It's about having goals and priorities for your family. We all need to identify what those are and then take them seriously. It's not the computer's fault. It's us. Build some boundaries.

I'll get off my soapbox now. :)

Monday's Mom Moment

2011-01-23T23:16:00.001-06:00

I like being with my kids.

I love that my baby boy depends on me for most mealtimes (he started real food this week!), and I love that my girls want to stay home and play with their toys. I’m fascinated listening to Clare’s made-up stories. And I really want to put Sophie’s daily reading at the top of my agenda every afternoon.

When I think what was important before my kids came round, it is worth noting that I might even be annoyed with someone like the me that now exists. Someone who these days would rather stay home and do laundry and play preschool games, than meet for lunch. Someone who is obnoxiously worried about how the price of gas is going to hurt her checkbook. Someone who gets excited about bunk beds, and bananas ripe for bread-making, and her oldest starting piano lessons.

Life has changed a lot, even in the last few years. But it has certainly changed for the better. As I hold my baby boy and think about how dependent he is on me, I feel my sense of purpose resonate in my soul. When I’m changing Clare’s clothes after church, I steal a hug and hold on to the moment that is so short. When Sophie announces that she can get out of the shower by herself and she just needs a towel waiting for her - I look up at Brad and raise my eyebrows. She just keeps growing. Silly, sappy moments, that I love. That I get to live. That make me the mom I am so glad to be.

It was a weekend where I paused... and looked around... and saw a happy mom, with a great job, and no reason to rush off to the next thing too quickly. My kids need me here... in this moment.

The List

2011-01-11T10:20:00.000-06:00

I'm in big trouble.

I was reading my "About 2010" blog post to Brad, and I get done and after an appropriate pause he says, "I didn't even make the list."

Didn't make the list?! What? You ARE the list! I'm not going to put I'm thankful for my husband - when I've said all these other things. I have this whole deal about you at the beginning and #5 is ALL YOU and how you are such a great builder!!

Then he picks up the framed newspaper headline that I got him for Christmas and points at the headline: WAGNER CLAIMS DEMO DERBY TITLE.

Whoops.

Yes, you're right. I did forget that.

How could I? What a fun night. Brad has been building demo cars for.. well, almost since I met him. He tried to quit when we moved. He really made an effort. Looked around for other hobbies (we both feel hobbies are important for us to have), spent money on them, did research, tried them out - it just didn't work. He loves it.

So I quit trying to get him to leave it.

I like seeing him happy.

Which is why it really was SO exciting when he won. I went crazy, all 8 months pregnant of me, screaming and practically crying when it was all over. Oh my goodness, it was a redneck moment. :) And it was a good one.

So, I'm resolving this situation with a full post to recognize this very exciting highlight of our year. Brad spends way less than many of the guys he competes with, works side jobs to pay for the expenses he does have, and builds smart. It's fun to see him get excited about it and find new solutions. All that problem solving is good for his brain too. His win was very cool and kindof a big deal for him. I can appreciate that.

2010 was good.

Monday's Mom Moment

2011-01-10T09:32:00.004-06:00

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Romans 12:1

I’m a little tired today and a little overwhelmed. It’s Monday, so I’m sure I’m not alone. J It’s not an impossible feeling.. just I need a little boost. The Spirit led me to Romans 12 and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

It’s a Mom Monday. The house needs a lot of work, I’m trying to get my Pampered Chef business off and running, I need a shower… but my baby girl wants me to play. And for a little while, I didn’t argue. It was nice. She wanted help with her Lite-Brite and we worked on making an ice cream cone picture together.

Now she’s off doing something else, and I am free to go on with my day. I think it would be easy for me to get up and feel guilty about not having accomplished more by now. But I don’t think that’s going to be very useful. That guilt and that frustration is a sign of the sin that follows me mercilessly, and I don’t need it. Spending a little time with my girl is not a bad thing. And if I can get up, “throw off the sin that entangles,” and start my day with THAT kind of approach – running “with perseverance the race marked out” for me and fixing my “eyes on Jesus,” I think I’ll have a good one.

Moms, be empowered to throw off the sin that entangles us and fix your eyes on Jesus. He has blazed a path for us, taken care of the dirty work, and asks us to live with joy and not lose heart. Be proud of the moments you can spend with your children, and the plans you have for your day. Work as if you are working for the Lord, and not for men. (Colossians 3:23) Have a great week.

About Us in 2010

2011-01-08T06:30:00.000-06:00

I guess I am having a hard time letting go of 2010 – it seems I keep finding myself writing about it! (You know, really it’s only been 2011 for like 7 days. Why does it seem like 2010 was so long ago?) It’s all sort of surreal, because sometime around July, I started really looking forward to that year being over. One of my big concerns was my marriage and just exactly what all this house stuff would do to it. I remember specifically thinking, ‘what are we going to be like by the end of this year?!’

I can say pretty confidently that we are ok. Brad’s job is super stressful right now – he is working on houses for my parents, his parents, other clients, and us. Yikes. Could it be worse? Well, probably. I s’pose he could have NO work – that would be way worse. Ok, so it could be way more horrible than it is right now. But you can see that this is still a little over the top for the poor guy.

But as far as US goes, we have made it thru some hard conversations and finally found ourselves ‘on the same page,’ as I like to say. Mr. Communication and I (J) had a hard time finding common ground in 2010 when it came to the house building process. But I think we are both seeing the light at the end of the tunnel now and we are both cautiously optimistic. Optimism and thankfulness can sometimes drive me to make lists. So here is a list of great things in 2010 that happened while I was waiting impatiently for my fresh start in 2011.

1. I finished being pregnant! J Hehe, just kidding. No, but my year started off pregnant and before long I was sick and tired of it! That sounds good and thankful, doesn’t it?! No, seriously, Edwin David joined us in September and his arrival has to be our number 1 great thing from 2010. He is truly an amazing gift from God, a fabulous baby, and the perfect addition to our family!! SO blessed! I can’t even begin, really, to talk about how thankful I am for him.

2. I realized, in 2010, that I need to stick to the writing thing. It’s nice to have a focus and I feel that mine is starting to solidify. Being a full-time Mom is my main job right now, but someday my kids are going to grow up. What will I be then? Life will change drastically. I don’t want to be left feeling empty and abandoned.

3. However, I’ve embraced Mom and Home Manager as my jobs in a way that I never had before. And I love it and it has brought me more fulfillment than I could ever imagine. I hope that my own experiences can be used by God to minister to other moms too.

4. My girls definitely grew closer in 2010 as Clare has grown up a lot and Sophie might be resisting growing up just a little. J Fine with me. They are both incredible and their own interests are being pursued which is very fun to watch. Sophia’s self-concept as an artist really developed into a real thing for her, I think. And Clare’s TV addiction took on a whole new...um...concept. Yikes.

5. My husband lived thru building a beautiful house for my parents. It isn’t finished yet, but will be in the first half of 2011. This is a significant accomplishment. Everyone is still speaking to each other. J

6. My first nephew was born in June! My brother Bradley’s little boy Isaac joined our extended family and we are smitten! I decided to drop everything and fly up there shortly after he was born and I’m so glad I did. That was definitely a highlight.

7. We paid off the van! I continue to work at doing a better job with our money. I’m not good at it. It’s hard. But I feel like we’re making progress and I’m amazed that we continue to survive with only one income!!

Ok, that’s enough. I’m sure there were lots of wonderful things that happened in 2010, but seriously I was nauseous for like 5 months of it. I know for sure I grew to love and appreciate my friends more, and my church too. But this list is starting to sound generic and none of us need that.

Can I overcome my oldest-child-syndrome and have a list that doesn’t go to 10? Especially for the year 2010? It would be ideal, wouldn’t it? But you know my New Year’s Resolution is to take more risks. So I’m going to stop right there. (Deep breath.) Ok. Moving ahead to 2011…risks and all.

my God of Today's Life

2011-01-06T23:47:00.002-06:00

Not only does My God provide me with salvation for eternity –

sends His son to save me from myself,

reassures me that there IS something after this life:

something better than Everything –

Not only does He Save Me Then,

He Saves me NOW.

He is clear about this:

that He Knows the Plans He Has for Me HERE,

that He Provides even for the Lilies of the Field and the Birds of the Air

that He will Be WITH me daily.. gives me the guidance of His Spirit

that He asks me to Be a Witness of His Grace

that I am HIS Building Project.

He isn’t a god only for an afterlife,

He is the God for This Life...

Teaching me About Life,

Comforting me in the darkest moments of This very Real Life,

Showing me the Joys to be had -

TODAY.

Not only does He Save,

He Lives.

And This

becomes My Life.

Risk and Rejection

2011-01-05T14:48:00.002-06:00

One of the things that comes with my oldest-child-syndrome, is my hesitancy to take risks. I’m not big on rejection, and so it turns out, I have a tendency to just avoid things that might end that way. I’m not a big fan of failure.

So I usually don’t make New Year’s Resolutions.

But I’d like to change this... and take more risks. A lot of things qualify as “taking a risk" for me, but for most of them the common denominator is 1) putting energy into something and 2) the likelihood/possibility that it won’t turn out the way I want it to.

Yep, that pretty much sums up a big aspect of my decision making. Huh. I’ve never seen it in writing before. It’s kindof ridiculous.

Anyway, I’ll let you know how it goes.

***

Well, I wrote that the other night, but before I could get it posted, my first Risk was before me. I’m not going to go into much detail about it because it really wasn’t a huge deal and if I give details you might make it a bigger deal (or I might). In any case, it didn’t go that great. I knew that I was putting energy into something that might not really end up the way I wanted. But I saw an opportunity to work on a relationship that isn’t always so great. But I thought maybe trying to get involved might end up making us closer. And that would be nice.

Yeah, it doesn’t look like that is going to be the result. So far, I’m feeling a little rejection. Which I expected. Which is why it was a risk. J

So I’ve decided that if I’m going to be doing this kind of thing this year, I need a contingency plan for when things don’t go so great. I’d like to learn something from this little resolution of mine.

So here’s the deal. Each time I take a risk, I need to come back and evaluate what I gained from this experience. Here are some from my first official act:

1. I was trying to help... and that felt good. When we serve others we aren’t suppose to expect anything back (right?). So I served in a small way, put in some time, and it was a good deed.

2. It was a good exercise for me in self-control. This particular event required me to censor my words/opinions to a large degree. Something I continually need to work on. (Been working on it for at least 12 years for those of you keeping track. ;)

3. I learned something nice about this person. It will help in the long run.

4. I immediately recognized that this risk-taking thing is going to require an optimistic attitude, and a pick-up-the-pieces-and-move-on game plan.

Thanks. Now I feel better.

On with the show…

Monday's Mom Moment

2011-01-03T05:00:00.000-06:00

Christmas Gifts My Kids Got that Seem to Make the World A Better Place

(aka, Money Well Spent):

1. We finally got the girls some decent banks. So yesterday when I walked into Sophie’s room, I could see exactly where her birthday money was and that it was safe and contained. Nice feeling.

2. Have you played with Legos lately? They are amazing and my girls LOVE them. Sophie asked for them and I’m glad we were paying attention.

3. Sophie’s new coat was only $12.99 from Old Navy. It’s cute and fashionable and makes people smile.

4. Monster Hat from Mimi. Young and old are amused.

5. Strawberry Shortcake for Clare. My friends and cousins my age are immediately taken back to their own childhoods. Yes, she smells good.

6. Sophie saw a horse in Big R that you paint yourself. It was like $12. Santa brought it and she was thrilled. She did the first coat the other day and pretended that she was creating things for a museum. So continues her idea to be an artist for a museum when she grows up.

7. Books. Maybe not the immediate reaction you’re looking for, but the first thing they go dig out when it’s time for bed.

8. Warm fuzzy socks.

9. Chew toy for Edwin. (What else can I call it? J) He was all over that thing. Too bad he dropped it in the sawdust at the other house…

10. CD of music that cousin Amanda made for Sophie in the Wagner Extended Family Gift Exchange. The titles of the songs were written into a story she wrote about Sophie. Very cool and now we have one more CD in the van that the kids AND mom want to listen to!

What did your kids get that you are pleased with? It might be helpful for the rest of us when we’re looking for ideas next year… J

Building a House

2010-12-31T14:00:00.002-06:00

For a while now I have wanted to compile the important House posts in one spot. I figured this would be good for people new to my blog who might be interested in knowing about our journey of building a house. But it turns out, it's a good idea for me - so I can see what our journey looks like. Very appropriate for New Year's Eve, too. A little jog down memory lane, so to speak. And a reminder of what kind of a ride we've been on...

First Look, First Floor

Rafters I

Rafters II

Sometime after this, we came to expect a new baby. Pregnancy + a new baby = fewer house updates and fewer pictures. There were some blogs about me having a hard time adjusting to the fact that progress on the house wasn't exactly what I'd had in mind...

Let It Go

An Actual House Update

In September '10, Edwin was born.. and the house continued to come right along...

Images

Clearly we need a new update. Brad continues to work out there and is making progress on the electrical. My new mantra: 2011 is our year!! :)

Happy Holidays!

2010-12-30T12:26:00.000-06:00

Happy In-Between Week! It’s the week between Christmas and New Years. For some, this means back to work. But for others, it means a great time to catch up with friends or work on uncovering your home after the deluge of Christmas presents and piling-up of laundry. For us moms, it means when our kids complain that they are bored, we remind them for the hundredth time of the army of gifts waiting for their attention.

First of all, can we all agree that it should be illegal for Christmas to land on a weekend..!? It is not helpful when trying to schedule family gatherings and it means less time off work. This year, with 3 kids, and 3 Christmases in one day, it was especially ridiculous. Actually, our family did great considering the craziness, but it was a lot. I vote Christmas is always on a weekday. Unfortunately, next year will be worse when Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day will both be on the weekend. Bummer.

Well, I s’pose that’s one more thing I have no control over. We’ll have to get creative next year to make it less stressful. Which means those who cling to tradition will be annoyed. But this year it was so clear to me that I would like at least a half a day doing Christmas with just my husband and kids. No computer, no traveling – just us – there to enjoy each other and the joy that comes with Christmas morning. And I want to get together with all the family too, and have a relaxing Christmas celebration with them. Brad and I both come from big extended families. Not only are they big, but they are close. Like, we love each other. So we are still trying to do all these Christmases.

We will just do what we can do. It means tough choices sometimes. I’m starting to see the value in a good old summertime cookout where we get together and enjoy each other. Maybe it doesn’t have to be at Christmas.

Didn’t I just this season write about how Christmas changes, but God doesn’t? When God reminded me of this fact back in November, I did not know how different this Christmas would feel. Every year it IS different. But I need to embrace the reasons why – more beautiful healthy children (biggest reason), new houses, different foods, getting older. These things are good things! They are not reason for complaint – they are reason for celebration.

I hope you can look back on your Christmas weekend and find some good in the change. And I hope you can look ahead to a New Year weekend, and make a resolution to embrace it. Happy Holidays!

The Perfect Santa Gift

2010-12-22T10:09:00.004-06:00

I don’t know if you can relate, but for the last 24 hours I’ve been a little stressed out about Christmas. To be clear, I LOVE Christmastime. I love the music, I love buying gifts, I even enjoy the crazy shopping. But I suppose that doesn’t mean there won’t be a little stress involved.

My current crisis is twofold – I spent too much money and I’m sick about it. That’s the first part. I thought I was doing ok. But then it got out of control. So here I am. Secondly, I’m not happy with Sophie’s Santa gift. And there’s nothing worse than spending too much money and not being happy with what the money was spent on.

So just yesterday (4 days before Christmas), Brad and I come up with the perfect gift for her – I mean the idea. But it’s too late in the game. I just don’t have time to go looking all over town for it, and they are more expensive than we realize. Yet I’m racking my brain trying to figure out how we can get our hands on something like this.

I’ve been spending a lot of energy on worrying about Sophie’s Santa gift. Maybe because she is so close to growing out of this. She is at this age where she is kindof too old for a lot of things, but not really old enough for others. And with her birthday so close to Christmas, it makes things a little more complicated.

It might be time for me to admit that I get a little obsessive about Christmas presents. I haven’t really faced up to the reality that I view gift giving as a kind of challenge to find ‘the perfect gift.’ That isn’t to say that this is what happens with everyone’s gift. Far from it. But when I come up with an idea for someone that I think is really good, I might go a little far obsessing over it. And it makes sense that I would do this with my kids.

And when I feel that I am completely clueless – as I do with Sophia – I get frustrated. I start throwing money at the problem and that is not really the solution.

Yesterday we took Sophie and some of her friends to a children’s museum for her birthday. On the way up I asked the girls what they want for Christmas. Sophie’s response was something that she had previously not mentioned, but something I should have figured out – horse stuff. She specifically mentioned ‘a horse that you paint.’

Ok. This would have been helpful a month ago. Later on it occurs to Brad and I that it would be super cool if we got her a barn or stable for her horses. Oh man, that would be great. And yes, it would have been great if we’d known and Brad could have BUILT HER ONE!!! Geez. We have 4 days.

So I was close to breaking down last night over this. (It sounds ridiculous, as I listen to myself now.) I mean, I’m sure it’s everything... and this is just the last straw. The money, too much running, 3 kids – and lets face it: the pressure put on MOMS to make Christmas happen for their family.

This morning Brad calls me and says he’s at Big R. “They have the horse. They have one left. Should I get it? It’s $12.99.” I can’t help but laugh a little. $12.99. Will $12.99 bring as much happiness as I suspect it will? “Yes, get it. Please, get it. And look for barns while you’re there.”

After we get off the phone I think, What if Sophie’s Santa gift is only $12.99? It probably doesn’t matter to her. It probably doesn’t matter to her whether it’s more or less than I spent on Clare. As I walk thru the living room and glance over at our small but happy Christmas tree, all lit up with presents surrounding it… my kids playing on the floor… Sophie singing a made up Christmas song in innocence – it probably doesn’t matter. The magic isn’t about how much. In fact, it isn’t even about whether it’s the perfect gift. She won’t know the difference whether we find her a barn or not. She has mentioned many things that she would like to have, and she will be getting most of them from us or grandmas.

The other day Sophie and were talking about how we are going to fit in all our Christmases. When will we open our gifts?, what time will we go to Mimi’s? - stuff like that. We started reminiscing about what we’ve done in the past. “I hope we have a big snow storm and we have to go to Mimi’s Christmas Eve like one year,” she says. “Remember when we got up early and had breakfast and opened our presents with Daddy and then went to Mimi’s? That was fun too…” It wasn’t about the gifts. It wasn’t about the surprise. It was about us. It was about people. Even for my kids.

I opened up Jill’s blog this morning – Jill Savage from Hearts-at Home. Her message was simply sharing a piece of God’s word. Here it is.

“God’s miracles are staggering, His wonders are surprising. His kingdom lasts and lasts, His sovereign rule goes on forever.”
Daniel 4:3 The Message

God’s miracles… His kingdom… His rule. While my little problems can easily run my world, there is a big God that could be running it instead. And this is His big celebration.

It’s about what we make it about. What am I focused on? There’s a lot of pressure on us Moms to make Christmas happen for our families. I’m going to start praying that I can make Christmas about love and people, for my kids, this year. I’m going to stop freaking out about this, and take a chill pill. It’s fine. I’ll figure this out. I’ll get everything done that has to get done. And I’ll make a point to enjoy the time we will spend together… perfect gifts, or not.

Monday's Mom Moment

2010-12-20T12:21:00.002-06:00

Realizations the Weekend Before Christmas

1. Sophie is now 7. Which means she is almost too old for much of the child "technology" - like Leap Frog games. She is on the edge of all categories and I have no idea what Santa can bring her that will really be good.

2. Clare would be happy with almost anything in the store.

3. Edwin is an amazing baby that was perfectly happy all day shopping with me, as long as I paid a little attention to him.

4. Brad gets the same results that I do when he stays home all day long with the girls.

5. When I think back to Christmases growing up, I don't remember the gifts from Santa as much as I remember our Christmas tree, the music we listened to, and all the laughing.

6. I want that for my kids.

7. I spent too much. But I also could have spent way more.

8. I can't wait to be done shopping.

9. If you're patient and try to be positive, the week-before-Christmas-shopping-experience can be decent.

10. Also, if you spend 2 hours in Meijer on Sunday afternoon while everyone else is doing their running around, you miss the worst of it.

11. I love Christmas music.

12. I ONLY HAVE 41/2 DAYS!!

Ode to My Sophia

2010-12-17T13:06:00.007-06:00

Birthdays are a good excuse - and a good reason - to focus in on one kid. I appreciate that today is Sophie's day and, as such, gives me an opportunity to really think about how blessed we are that she is ours.

Of course there is the usual "I can't believe she's 7." Although this year it does seem a little different. I mean, 7? Really? That's a long time. J

But also I'm thinking more just about who she is as a person. And I'm focusing in on the good stuff. It's hard not to feel a little sorry for her - she has some of her teeth and is missing others; and she's growing out her bangs. So it's a rather awkward stage for her. But her confidence doesn't seem too shaken. I love that she has her own sense of style and is not afraid to go with it. She wears outfits I would not have attempted, and does things to her hair I have not thought of. And frequently it looks fabulous. She is clearly an artist, though she is less confident about that idea. But I think it's clear and I love it.

She is smart and sassy. This gets her in trouble, but often it's spot-on. Her wit and wisdom frequently impress me. I hate when she argues with me, but sometimes she makes a good point and gets me thinking twice bout my own behavior.

She loves loves loves her siblings, especially when Clare is in a good mood. J She appreciates Clare's hilarious personality, and she values our family.. as a family. She can't help but love to teach - and learn. She really likes to be in charge and I can't blame her one bit. She has great ides and I just wish I had enough money to carryout half of them.

She is certainly growing up. Besides being a head taller than many of her friends, she is thoughtful and dramatic. These are two qualities that I expect will only get stronger. And when I say thoughtful, I mean she thinks about things. She asks questions and wants to figure stuff out.

7 years ago I had no idea how my life was about to change - you never do, right? And today I'm not going to think about my regrets - what I should have done when she was this or that. That doesn't do her any good. Today I'm going to celebrate her, treat her like the gift she is, and make sure she knows who loves her. Thank you, God, for Sophia.

(Who, by the way, has decided she prefers "Sophie.") J

Monday's Mom Moment

2010-12-14T10:05:00.004-06:00

I want to start a regular Monday post called Monday's Mom Moment. Over the course of the week I'll record those special moments, like when your daughter tells your in-laws that though the baby is very capable of lifting his legs high into the sky while laying on his back, when Mommy tried it she could only get her feet "like an inch off the ground." Thanks, Soph. :)

I'm posting this week's today because yesterday was a snowday. And also because I don't want to wait a week and then forget. :) Let's seize the moment, shall we?

So I guess today we get two, because I want to share another Sophie moment from this week. We love the show Modern Family, and we watch it with our kids. Sometimes, if the topic is too much for them, we'll save it for when they are in bed; but frequently it's fine. So we were watching last weeks together and at one point Clare turns to me with a big grin and kindof a laugh and goes, "She has two dads!"

Yep. Yes, she does.

"Yep. Some people have two dads," I say measuring my words.

Sophie pipes up, "Some people have three!"

"No. No, I don't think people usually have three dads, Sophie."

She lost no time in arguing with me. "Yes, Mom. They do." And she pointed up. "Their Father in Heaven! That makes three."

Have a great week. And as Sophie would say, don't forget about your other dad.

Bold Thankfulness

2010-12-09T10:02:00.000-06:00

In Acts 4, the priests and rulers brought Peter and John before a council and questioned them. They were mad about how they were proclaiming the power of Christ and how many people were believing and following them.

When Peter and John returned from this ‘inquiry,’ they shared with their own people what had been said. They knew their well-being was threatened, but they knew the Truth. Together the people prayed, and the title for this segment of Acts 4 is “The Believer’s Prayer.”

They acknowledge to God that He is amazing and all powerful, yet people and governments tend to stand against Him. Of course this is a fresh wound considering how recently the government had conspired against Jesus. Then they ask the Lord to “enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness. Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders through the name of your holy servant Jesus.”

I’ve been reading our Mom’s Bible Study book that we are going thru this year – Growing Grateful Kids by Susie Larson. We read it during class, but I figured it would be good to re-read some of it at home without all the distractions. So the first part is called “Model Thankfulness,” and I couldn’t have picked it up at a better time. The past few weeks have been riddled with worry over the cost of our health insurance and angst over appliances that need to be fixed or replaced. Add to that typical Christmas craziness, and the result is me using the word “stupid” in front of my 3 year old way too much. The magnitude of my negativity was discovered when we were sitting in traffic the other day and my children mirrored it. Mom had graciously agreed to go shopping with us and traffic was a bit much. For some reason we had to sit in a long line of cars in a turning lane for what seemed like forever. I didn’t mind – Mimi and I were having a heated discussion about how much our insurance costs – but my children fed off of the tension in our voices and started shouting out their contempt for the cars in front of us. “WHAT is going on here?!” One of them called out in frustration. “Why are we SIIIITTTTINGGGG here?!” Their insults cut into my soul, knowing that my own dissatisfaction had instructed them.

“No, you guys, it isn’t a big deal. We can be patient. We are not in a hurry.” I tried to talk them out of their bad attitude, but it was too little too late. This isn’t to say that my kids are always crabby, but how they deal with something as simple as traffic is a reflection of my current survival strategy. And I hate that.

Susie Larson talks at length in this book about perspective. We have plenty to be upset about. But we have just as much, probably more, to be happy about. How we approach our day and our battles, is largely a matter of attitude. She shares a time when her family’s financial situation was such that she didn’t have much to offer her kids for breakfast. She was sad and tired of asking people for help. All she had in the cupboard was an “almost-empty box of pancake mix.” Something inside her inspired her to overcome her heavy heart and make this morning a morning of thankfulness – not a morning of grief. So she made this ONE big pancake, gathered her boys around, and put a candle in it. She told them they were celebrating how blessed they were that day – the sun was bright, her husband was at work, and God was providing for their needs. Her young boys didn’t hesitate to follow her lead, thanked God and gobbled up their special pancake.

And here are my girls yelling at holiday traffic.

The thing that Larson comes back to over and over, is that you can’t teach your children to be grateful, unless YOU are grateful. You can’t teach your children to have the heart of a servant, unless they have an example to follow. You can’t teach your children to trust God, unless YOU are trusting God.

She acknowledges that we will not be perfect parents. We will not always trust; we will not always know what to say; we will mess this up good. But we have to recognize the formula here. And if we want our kids to be grateful and trusting, we will have to undergo a transformation in our own lives.

Bring it on.

I want that! I want to be a Mom that can model these things for her kids! But it isn’t as easy as flipping a switch. Being thankful out loud seems unnatural. I am trying to implement some of her ideas, but it feels forced and I’m not good at memorizing scripture to pull out of my ear at the perfect time when my kids (and I) need to hear it.

So I feel drawn to The Believer’s Prayer when they ask God to “enable your servant to speak your word with great boldness” (Acts 4:29). I need that. I’m trying to be positive and talk to my kids about all we have to be thankful for. This morning I encouraged the girls to tell me one thing that was going to be good about their day. Sophie looked at me like I was nuts. But I persevered and we all came up with something to look forward to. The other night I tried to discuss our blessings at the dinner table. It was short-lived, but did lead to a great talk that Sophie and her dad had about a fun project she is working on at school. Maybe sometime this week I can share with them the verse I’ve been leaning on the last few weeks: “I lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1

Lord, there are so many distractions and we are so busy these days. Somehow remind me constantly to trust you with my day and my worries. Fill me up with the Holy Spirit and inspire me with your words, and encouragement for my children, and for everyone with whom I speak. Change my heart, Lord, to reflect what you have done for me. And let my perspective be pleasing to you. Amen.

The Same God

2010-12-07T09:55:00.003-06:00

Sometimes it’s not about doing. It’s about enjoying. It’s about living in the moment – in the Savior’s arms. It’s about relishing the fact that Faith Alone is what saves. It’s about holding on to the truths about our God. Because no matter how much Christmas seems different this year – way earlier, more expensive, too many places to go – our God NEVER changes. He is the same God that sent us his son as that tiny baby over 2,000 years ago.

Thanksgiving weekend I was honored to present a devotion to a group of women that gathered at our church for our first annual Advent by Candlelight. My good friend Christine shared this idea with us (and planned and coordinated it) and it goes something like this: The Sunday night of Thanksgiving, towards the beginning of Advent, the women gather together for a night of reflection and refreshment. A variety of women in the church are asked to “host” a table, which means they can decorate it however they like, bring a dessert to share, and make nice with the guests. J Some live music by the talent we have locally, a devotion, and some Christmas carols make the night complete. You can see how a church can personalize a night like this. You can also see how this can get pretty girly. But it’s good. The Christmas season demands a lot from women, and it makes sense for us to get together and lift one another up.

At first I was tempted to make my devotion a practical list of to-do’s. We ARE really busy. How can we keep our focus on Jesus during this season? But thankfully, Christine reminded me that it doesn’t always have to be about a checklist. In fact, it probably shouldn’t be. It can just be a night to enjoy. A night to be filled up. And then we can leave and hopefully our cup will be overflowing and it will help us get thru the next few weeks.

Every little bit helps.

So the Holy Spirit directed me in this way – not a to-do list. Just a solid couple of minutes in the word and some reflection on that. I want to share the devotion with you, and maybe God can use it for you too. He certainly spoke to me. And I am so honored that He did.

The devotion is based on the following scripture:

I Samuel 1:3-17, 2:1-10

Luke 1:26-38

It’s CHRISTMASTIME!!

I’ve always loved Christmas. I’m blessed to have grown up with wonderful Christmases. But as I’ve grown older and become a mother to 3 children, Christmas has changed a lot. As my brothers and brothers-in-law have married and they have families of their own.. Christmas continues to change.

Because things like the holidays don’t stay the same, it can be a difficult time of year for people. So often we wish we could go back to when Christmas was pure and holy. To a time in our childhood when it was simple and comforting.

As adults, as women during this season, we can sometimes get awfully distracted by the long lines and long lists. By the family calendar and the family drama. It’s easy for us to let all of this shadow the joy that should be had in these few weeks in December.

I’m so blessed to have friends who keep me positive. They get excited about things like Black Friday and Christmas tree decorating! They share their excitement about what they found for their daughter or their husband or their mom. They CELEBRATE the fabulous deal they found on that special gift. And they sing Christmas songs while making the 30^th dozen of Christmas cookies.

Thank goodness for women who keep me positive and help me to keep the joy in Christmastime. Christmas HAS changed a lot, but our GOD – whose season this really is – does NOT change. And if there is anything we can focus on this season, anything we want to try to remember in the midst of the chaos – that is it. He is the same God that He WAS, is NOW, and will be forever.

***

Way back in the Old Testament, I Samuel starts off with the story of Hannah. She desperately wanted a child... and it didn’t help that the OTHER wife – Peninnah – had children and would frequently throw this in the face of Hannah. Eventually, her grief led her to “pour out her soul to the Lord.”

She must have looked like a wreck. She had been crying and hadn’t been eating and she finally just broke down and laid it all before HIM – at the feet of her Lord. We know she must have looked awful, because Eli thought she was drunk, the way her mouth was moving... but she wasn’t actually saying anything... and she obviously wasn’t paying attention to anything other than her despair and her desperate cry for help.

After explaining her situation to Eli, he comforts her with “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”

Many of us can relate to Hannah’s grief, to her desperation. Many of us have felt the pain of emptiness one way or another, until finally we break down before our God and get honest with Him about our desires and our hurt.

He IS listening.

He was listening to Hannah.

Chapter 1, verse 24: “After he was weaned, she took the boy with her, young as he was, along with a 3 year old bull, and ephah of flour, and a skin of wine, and brought him to the house of the Lord at Shiloh. When they had slaughtered the bull, they brought the boy to Eli, and she said to Eli, ‘As surely as you live, my Lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the Lord. I prayed for this child and the Lord granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord.”

He was listening to Hannah.

Now, let’s be clear about something. I suspect – that when Hannah was dreaming of having a family, I doubt this was her vision. I’ll bet when she daydreamed about having a child, she had plans to watch her children grow – from a front row seat. I suspect she’d planned to nurture and feed and comfort her children as they grew into young adults and went off into the world. Not visit them once a year.

I’ll be this wasn’t really the sort of thing Hannah had in mind for herself when she married – years of an empty womb; painful words from the women in her household; and desperate prayers to her God.

But after all of this, and then GIVING birth to her baby boy and watching him grow – knowing she will fulfill her promise to her God – her perspective has changed.

Nothing is the same as it was. And she sees things differently now. We know this because of her song of praise.

Hannah’s prayer reflects this new perspective – she has a perspective focused on God. It isn’t about her anymore, or her precious son – it’s about the God that has lifted her up, from a place of disgrace to a place of honor. When she talks about the arrogant, she is talking about Peninnah – but she’s giving it to God. She understands that God works in mysterious ways, often not as we expect. And in fact, using what seems bad, for good. Genesis 50:20, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done.”

Her prayer’s focus, is that God is ultimately the one in charge. But it also reflects that He is NOT a DISTANT God ruling from afar. But He is hands-on – “raising the poor from the dust and lifting the needy from the ash heap.” This same God, who provides for the humble, is the ultimate authority... and her last verse prophetically looks ahead to his ultimate plan: This God, “He will give strength to His king and exalt the horn of His anointed.”

***

Fast forward nearly 1100 years. It has been almost 430 years since the last word from God had been spoken by an Old Testament prophet.

There’s a young girl, who is planning a wedding.

And the last thing she needs is a baby.

But an angel comes to see her and says, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you!”

And Mary is scared and confused right from the start and thinks ‘and what kind of greeting might that be?’

She seems suspicious.

So the angel explains that she should not be afraid – that the Lord has found favor with her, and she will give birth to a child, to whom God will give the throne of David.

Somehow – by the grace of God, surely – Mary takes it all in and says “I am the Lord’s servant. May it be as you have said.”

She is an obedient girl.

And she probably quickly realizes, the control is not in her hands.

Ever since I started paying attention, I have been intrigued with how Mary handles all of this. Maybe because she is a woman, like us. Maybe because I like character development.

What must she be thinking?

This had to seem crazy to her.

But she heard what he said – her son was to rule over the house of Jacob forever. He will be great.. He will be called the Son of the Most High.

Surely seeking some degree of reality, she quickly heads out to see Elizabeth. All these things must be rushing around in her head on the way there. She’s trying to make sense of it. Could it be real? Is this really happening to me?

She finally arrives, and greets Elizabeth.

And before another word can be said, Elizabeth is filled with the Holy Spirit and even the child within her responds with praise. Elizabeth is much older than Mary and more than likely someone she can trust. Luke 1:6 says both Elizabeth and her husband were upright in the sight of God.

So she comes in and immediately Elizabeth responds, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!”

Mary’s response must have been relief and joy. Oh, good – someone who knows!! Someone who won’t think I’m crazy! Wait! Someone to reaffirm what the angel said!

Mary is overcome with comfort in Elizabeth’s words and suddenly realizes what all this means.

And Mary said,

“My soul glorifies the lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.

From now on all generations will call me blessed,

for the Mighty One has done great things for me – holy is His name.

His mercy extends to those who fear him,

from generation to generation.

He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.

He has brought down rulers from their thrones, but has lifted up the humble.

He has filled the hungry with good things, but has sent the rich away empty.

He has helped his servant Israel, remembering to be merciful to Abraham and his descendants forever, even as he said to our fathers.”

This is the same God that comforted Hannah..

This is the same God that kept Rahab safe from the Israelites..

That comforted Naomi when she lost her husband and both of her sons..

And led Ruth to a new land, a new husband, and a place in the line of the chosen one.

This is the same God whose touch healed the crippled and the blind

men, women, and children

who dared to believe in Him.

The same God who gives living water to the thirsting woman at the well..

Who teaches Mary and Martha

and comforts them.

Who stands before a weeping Mary Magdalene

and sends her off to share the good news of his Resurrection, of His Life.

This same God is waiting for us to turn to Him.. His arms open wide, welcoming us with all of our faults, with all of our questions, with all of our sin.

He’s listening when we turn to him and pray for Joy, in the midst of chaos, when we are hungry, and seek to be filled with good things.

When we are feeling lonely

or overwhelmed..

Because we have been waiting in line for hours in Target

or we are searching for a joyful heart because we were fighting traffic all day long,

or desperate for patience as we try to get our 3 children to sit still for just one decent Christmas card picture! J

This is the same God,

who is listening,

answering,

comforting,

LOVING

us this Christmas

as He has so many Christmases before.

Matthew 1:23

“Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call him name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us.”

The To-Do List

2010-12-02T10:38:00.000-06:00

Today on Proverbs 31 Ministries, Lysa writes a devotional about being real with people about what Jesus has done in our lives.

I need to be real with Jesus today, about how unfocused I’ve become this week.

Wasn’t it only Sunday night that I joined with a large group of women from my church and relished the Christmas message? Wasn’t it just last week that we celebrated Thanksgiving and all we have to be thankful for? Shouldn’t I BE FOCUSED on what is important right now?

But I’m not. How quickly the message goes in one ear and out the other; crowded out by my to-do list. I predicted this in Sunday night’s devotional. I identified the realities that overwhelm our Christmas season and make it hard to celebrate what Christmas is all about. And just like that: I’m there.

The cell phone breaks, the oven is on the fritz, my cough won’t go away, the bank account is shrinking, there are meetings and calls to make, the girls need new clothes, the baby has a well-check appointment, and the laundry is ridiculous... my list is endless.

It’s like your list. I’m not whining about all I have to do. This is my life. I love it! I love that I have an oven and a cell phone. I love that my girls are growing and I need to find them some new clothes. I love that my baby lives in a country where I can get him vaccinated. I know Brad makes enough money to support us and our bank account will be just fine.

It’s just that... Well, it’s like the sign I saw in a store yesterday: “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.” There is so much going on... so much to think about. I found last night I couldn’t go to sleep because I was still on auto-drive. And time in the Word? Ha! Not even close.

Lysa wrote something else in her devotional today:

And don't fret trying to figure out how to arrange the perfect situation… Just tell Jesus you are willing. He's very capable of handling all the details. Our job is obedience. God's job is results.

I’m glad that’s God’s job and not mine.

Lord, I am REALLY unfocused on you right now. Things are already getting a little out of hand, here and it’s only December 2. I need you to step in RIGHT NOW and get me right with you. I need to be motivated to look to you first, before I look at my to-do list every morning. I need to pray before AND after I go into Target (or whatever store), that I can be positive, responsible with our money, and a witness of your love and patience – with my kids and everyone else I interact with. Lord I know you can make these things happen. I’m handing things over to you.

Amen.

Me-Time

2010-11-15T11:07:00.001-06:00

I grab any minute I can when it comes to getting some me-time. Time that I can refresh my soul. Time that I can share with a girlfriend. Time that will make me a better Mom.

Some of us need more Me-time than others. Some of us need it alone. Some of us prefer it with friends. How bout while shopping? Or curling up with a good book.

It never ceases to amaze me, however, that it can be SO vital. It can change my outlook, my day, sometimes my life. Finding those minutes to do something for myself, can show me a strength or a weakness that needed attention. Reflecting on my day, my job, my kids – can fill me up with gratitude, or a new plan of action.

I hope you got some of this time this weekend. If not, grab a minute as your week starts. Take a deep breath and go to a happy place. It could change everything today.

Full-Time

2010-11-12T14:13:00.006-06:00

Clare dr. appointment last Friday. Strep.

Ok.

Edwin dr. appointment Monday after having a fever Sunday night. Too little for this cold. Doc gave him an anit-biotic and planned for follow-up on Wednesday.

On the mend.

Edwin dr. appointment Wednesday. Looks good. Better and is growing and fabulous.

Great.

Sophia dr. appointment Friday. Strep.

Of course.

(She is a pretty great sick kid though, and she is hanging in there great. Crabby and not herself, but not chained to the couch or throwing up or anything.)

So we come back to town to get the prescription and suddenly they think our policy is terminated. Can I just pay the $100 for the drugs and submit the claim myself? Uh, I don't think so. I haven't paid $8000 this year for medical coverage to get reimbursed for $100. So I pull into the parking lot (we have a drive thru pharmacy which is nice), with my 3 children to call the insurance company and find out what the deal is. "Oh, I don't know. We show you are active, blah blah blah." Take my 3 children into the CVS with a phone number they have given me for the pharmacy to call. My girls proceed to loudly try out all the canes as if they are crutches then they want to move to the band-aids. NO! Sit down, for the hundredth time!!

The pharmacy lady comes out. Nope, they are still saying it's terminated.

I'm so mad I cannot speak.

We leave quietly until my children decide they need to share in my anger and vocalize our plight. Sophie and I have some brief discussions about anger.

On the way home she tells me that when she took a drink of water it helped her calm down and maybe I should try it.

Thanks, Soph.

We get home and the pharmacy calls. I've forgotten my wallet there.

"Of course I did." I respond.

We are home making phone calls and trying to figure out what the deal is. It is still unresolved.

One thing I am sure of: Thank you, God this is my only full-time job.

Affirming Words - Take Three

2010-11-09T17:48:00.000-06:00

On the way to school in the mornings I try to pray with the girls. Usually it’s just me praying out loud, them listening attentively with their hands folded (right?), and then we do the Lord’s prayer together.

I try to hit the THANKFULS – for our family, for keeping us safe, for the weather, etc.; we ask for FORGIVNESS for our many faults (ex- “..when we don’t speak with kindness); and ask for GUIDANCE and to “be more like Jesus.” During this part I try to hit on one or more of the fruits of the spirit. Today I was listing them off..:

“Lord, and help us to treat others with kindness and compassion and gentleness..”

As I heard gentleness come off my lips, I paused. Gentleness? Had I been gentle this morning?

When washing Sophie’s hair?

When combing Sophie’s hair?

When I interrupted the girls’ arguing with “GO OUTSIDE AND GET INTO THE VAN RIGHT NOW!!!!”

Ouch.

Not only am I not very gentle physically, I am not very gentle emotionally with them. I am frequently harsh and frustrated. Quick to anger and short-tempered.

Maybe God is speaking to me. It was only yesterday on the drive that I started thinking of how negative most of my words are in the morning. Suddenly I recalled something from last year’s Hearts-at-Home – Affirming Words. What if I tried to say 3 affirming things to Sophie on the way to school? How would that change the both of us and the quality of our day?

After hitting the word “gentle” in my prayer – or rather, after it whacked me on the head – I tried to say some positive things to my daughter. It wasn’t hard. There really are a million good things I could say about her. Does she know that? Maybe I’ll try it more often.

Goals - and a Prayer - for my Kids

2010-11-03T01:25:00.001-05:00

This weekend my sister-in-law and I had a discussion about what is expected of Godparents. I’m sure it varies from family to family. I wish I could find something meaningful to give to my children’s godparents as a thank you for their role in my children’s lives. Personally, my kids’ Godparents are not necessarily the ones that will take them in should something happen to me and my husband. Our children’s Godparents are their aunts and uncles who we know will love and pray for them and encourage them spiritually, academically, and in whatever other endeavors their futures hold.

A few years ago, a friend of mine showed me a list of verses one could use to pray for children. It was a nice guide; a list of scriptures that reflected various attributes we hope our children will acquire. After Clare was born, I started thinking more about what exactly it is that I hope for my children and made a list of goals that I probably have for my kids. It was a neat exercise (probably something I picked up at Hearts-at-Home) – to be honest with myself about what I want for my children. Making the list is an opportunity to check out how realistic and fair I am being. After looking thru my list, there were a few “goals” that I thought I might want to think twice about. I realize that I hope my girls get married and have families of their own. This may not be God’s will for them, and while that would be an incredible blessing, maybe it isn’t something I should focus on. I found the list this morning and enjoyed reading through it. Here are some of the other “goals” I have for my kids:

to value education, books, and words
to respect other people – different or the same as them
to be compassionate, helpful, sincere, and loving
to be honest with themselves and others
to be forgiving and to be able to forgive themselves
to find joy in their talents
to be active in their school and community
to be thoughtful voters
to gather at the holidays
to stand firm in their faith in Christ
to believe, profoundly, in Jesus’ saving grace
to be gracious
to think before they speak
to say what needs to be said
to be healthy

This is an incomplete list, but you get the idea. Consider making your own. It would be interesting to make one for ourselves too, right? So we can see how unrealistic we are? :)

Anyway, this eventually led me to a few verses written by Paul for the Colossians, which helped me to see what I wanted to pray for my kids, Godchildren, and whoever else I might be thinking of. I have just recently re-discovered this prayer, and I hope to keep it handy. Thinking about posting it on the bathroom mirror so I can say it while I brush my teeth. Here it is with my son's name.

Lord, thank you for this child.

I lift up my son, Lord, and ask that you fill Edwin with the knowledge of Your will for him.

I pray that he may live a life worthy of you, Lord, pleasing in your sight.

That he may bear fruit, with every good work;

that he will grow in the knowledge of You;

and that he will be strengthened in you, so that he may have endurance and patience,

and joyfully give thanks to You.

May he somehow understand that he is holy

and dearly loved by you.

Give Edwin compassion,

kindness,

humility,

gentleness,

and love for his neighbor and his Savior.

Help him to be forgiving.

Lord, give Edwin faith that brings peace in any trouble.

Amen.

Doing Something

2010-11-01T11:18:00.004-05:00

You know how sometimes the sky is so spectacular and you want to take a picture and share with everyone you know, because it’s so awe inspiring and fabulous? Yeah. That’s how it was at my house – the new house – a recent Sunday. The girls and I – KIDS and I J - went out there to play while Brad shingled. It was a gorgeous day and Eddie was sleeping (probably too much), so I got my hands dirty and felt like I was contributing to the house effort. It was nice.

Pretty much every time I go out there I am struck by how beautiful it is. I know many people complain about how flat Illinois is, but I like being able to see for miles and miles. And the sky is massive that way and the clouds are puffy and enormous when you can see everything – I love it.

When we first got out there the girls got right to their own thing and I headed over the porch to see how Brad was getting along. He called down from the roof, “Are you coming up?” Hmmm. I’m not scared, but I’m not a big fan. Happy to not be pregnant and capable of climbing a ladder, I went for it. About 5 rungs from the top, they change from double to single rung and suddenly I was not feeling so brave. It’s not even that far up there – just to the top of the porch. I’m sure my children will someday contemplate escaping the house this route. But I had my arms on the porch roof and I was stuck. Couldn’t move. I looked at Brad.

“What’s the problem?”

“Uh, I don’t like this anymore.” Fresh beautiful air surrounding me, staring up at my husband – it was amazing how frozen I was. I was ok, but unsure of how much control I’d have over the situation if I moved. Of course. Another control issue.

Snickering at me, Brad came over and offered enough guidance that I felt safe enough to move forward. I scrambled away from the edge and sat down. Ahhh, this was much better. I felt very stable, nestled in a valley or two, out of the wind. If I didn’t move I was quite content. And the view was great. And while Brad shingled we just talked and it was really nice. He seemed to enjoy that I came to his space – the place he’s been spending so much time lately. Maybe this is what my self-help relationship book calls Recreational Companionship. Not much of a recreation for him, but it is what he spends a lot of his time doing.

***

Not moving. Content. Unsure of how much control I will have if I move. I remember feeling that way. Before we moved here, neither of us had much interest in rocking the boat. It felt safer to keep things the way they were – even though the way they were was not really the way things should be. Too busy, too much debt, too many distractions. But I never dreamt we would do anything drastic to change our situation.

But then the company Brad was working for went under. And he was faced with the best opportunity ever to do what he’d always wanted to do and start his own construction company. And then we wanted to expand our family. And when I thought about life with 2 kids, I knew I couldn’t continue to work full time.

Most of us come to a T in the road more often than we realize. There are plenty of things about life that we might want to change, and it’s much easier to take the less dramatic path, then it is to do something real about our problems. It’s scary. And we may just be more comfortable holding onto the roof with both hands, frozen on one of those single rungs of the ladder. But is that really a good place to be? It’s dangerous and silly and kind of ridiculous. It’s not good for our kids and it’s not good for our marriage. We have to take a leap of faith, grab the hand that’s being offered, and move forward.

When we do, we can inspire others. Recently I’ve been inspired by people doing dramatic things, uncomfortable things, because they couldn’t stand keeping things the way they were. Check out my newest blog link – Band in C-U – written by a woman who has decided to go forward with the Lap-Band procedure to change her weight issues. Her journey can teach all of us a lot. Check out RE:MISSION – the blog of a couple whose lives have been turned upside down with their decision to leave their comfortable lives and become missionaries in Taiwan. I’m also inspired by my friends and family who work hard to fight their depression, who open their home to help those in need, and who search for and try new strategies for improving their children’s behavior. Who are looking for a new job, who are going back to school, who are trying to get better at making pies. Who are doing something. Maybe after I drastically clean my kitchen, I’ll learn how to wire my new house. Change can be good.

I challenge you to look around. I am amazed at the number of people I can think of in my life who are Doing Something with their lives, with their problems. You may be pleasantly surprised too. And maybe even motivated.

“The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me; He is my helper.” Psalm 118:6,7

New Baby Time

2010-10-07T11:00:00.001-05:00

“God comforts us in all our troubles,

so that we can comfort those in any trouble

with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

For just as the sufferings of Christ

flow over into our lives,

so also through Christ

our comfort overflows.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

I’m not suffering too much these days. At this moment I’m doing a lot of rejoicing – for a decent rest last night; for a healthy baby; for a month of surviving a newborn! I’m so glad that at this moment I can be writing. I think if I had a day to myself, I could spend the whole thing writing - for as long as I could stay awake. J

But alas, these days writing is a bit farther down the list than I’d like it to be. Nursing, bathing, and sleeping are at the top of the list and in capital letters. If I’m lucky I might also be able to function enough for a load of laundry or dishes. It’s not a complaint, just the way life is these days. Conversation with my husband is hard to come by, there is always picking up that needs to be done, and my 3 year old is getting the raw end of the deal when it comes to spending time with me. These are just facts, and it’s ok. They will not last forever and we will all cope. We are living and learning and happy to be a healthy family.

Edwin is growing and growing. His skinny legs didn’t last long and he’s blown right past his newborn clothes now. I’m anxious to see how much he weighs. He is more alert these days and seems to be interacting a bit with his sisters. I still haven’t gotten a real smile from him, but at least our eyes are meeting more. I’ll take what I can get.

The house is coming along bit by bit too. Brad has been roofing in the evenings after work. He doesn’t have as much daylight to work with and that will get even worse soon when the time changes. But outside work is coming to an end, and then he can hook up lights inside and work after dark. After the house has a real roof, the garage will need a floor and a door. That will take us indoors – I’m very excited about that.

The girls continue to adjust to life these days. Clare has her good and bad days. If I wasn’t so tired I think she would have less issues. She tells me sometimes, “I’m just havin a rough time, today, Mama.” I know, baby-girl. I know.

But Sophie is doing pretty well. At school she is a star and we got a glowing midterm report recently. Her teacher wrote that she “has a love of learning and books. She is a joy to have in class.” Mimi read it and said, “Be still my beating heart.” J

We’ve had lots of support from family and friends the last few weeks and it has me thinking more about how I can be of use to others. My devotional time has suffered for sure, and I’m sad about that. There have been times when I’m nursing and I can reach my Bible and I know I should grab it for a few minutes of nourishment. Sometimes I do, but often I have felt like I’m too tired. I don’t bother trying to read when I think I’ll probably fall asleep mid-sentence any way. Or get to the end of the paragraph and realize I recall nothing. It’s like I’m too tired to make an effort in my relationship with my maker.

It’s a crappy feeling.

Yesterday was day 3 of an especially “rough” time. Exhaustion and headaches kept me confused and barely functioning. And at some point I was reminded – this is how it is for new moms. It’s not just me. This is how it is. Wouldn’t it be great if there was a devotional for the first 30 days or so, that could uplift new moms and give them that comfort that they need? Offer them a connection to their God, that lets them know it’s ok that they are tired and barely here – cause God is close by and He gets it.

I’m sure something like this exists. But I’m thinking about – someday in the future – maybe working on something like this.

So help me do some research. How DO moms of new babies find a connection with Jesus when they are exhausted and in survival mode? Has someone given you some really good advice for surviving those first few months? Or how bad was it? For example, for the last 2 mornings I will confess that I woke up with only 10 minutes to get my 6 year old up and ready for school before we needed to leave. This was not ‘the plan,’ by any means; by the grace of God did I get out of bed at all! Not a mom-of-the-year moment for me. You probably have these stories also. Sharing them can be of comfort to new moms who are overwhelmed with the drastic change in their daily lives. What is it that new moms need to hear?

Time to share, class! J How has God comforted you? What can you share to comfort others? He comforts us “so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

Recent Images from Life

2010-10-07T10:36:00.000-05:00

Family of 5

2010-09-19T23:22:00.005-05:00

I should be sleeping.

But I miss writing. I've been waiting for my brain to balance out a little, but I'm starting to wonder how long that might take. J Life is quite different now than it was 10 days ago, and someone reminded me the other day that "getting back to normal" isn't really even a possibility.

We have a new "normal" now, and I'm thanking Jesus everyday for it. Last week's doctor visit turned into a plan to induce labor later that day, and Thursday morning Edwin David made his big debut! Induction was not something I was willing to consider without a really good reason. I had been hoping for my baby boy to be the one to decide when the time was right. But my doctor was concerned about the baby's position and felt that induction held the least risk. And as my doula pointed out, “the goal is healthy baby; and that’s all that really matters.”

So we found ourselves at the hospital, and though I was worried it would take days – it did not. Edwin was born at 8:01 a.m., in the capable hands of - no, not my doctor – but my nurses. J One of the nurses just happens to be one of my favorite people in the world, a good friend I’ve had forever – and I love that she was there to reassure me and take care of my baby boy.

Brad and I have enjoyed getting to know our boy and are marveling over his existence. He is like his sisters, he isn’t; he looks like his dad, he’s a good mix of all of us; he isn’t overly demanding, he sleeps a lot, he eats great; he’s beautiful and fascinating and ours.

The girls are in love with him too and if I can get Clare to stop squeezing his head, I’ll be thrilled with their relationship to him. As I say, my brain is still trying figure out our lives these days, but I can’t complain and I’m hoping the hormones will not completely destroy my sense of reality (as they sometimes do).

As I say, hoping I can start writing again soon. Writing that makes sense. And has a point. I’m sure my baby will be teaching me all kinds of things about myself and the world that I will feel compelled to share. And we need to talk about sharing sometime soon. Because I think there needs to be more sharing going on. But that’s for another post.

I’d better go to bed. J

Deborah's Inspiration: Part I

2010-09-06T11:29:00.001-05:00

Lately when I wake up in the morning I am grumpy. Not having slept comfortably and now still sleepy, but my hips killing me, I am not jumping out of bed highly-motivated. Today was especially that way. My husband, who had slept-in as Labor Day warrants, tended to the children in need of morning nourishment and encouraged me to take whatever time I needed in bed. For this I was thankful. But it was soon apparent that staying in bed gave me little advantage.

I knew I should at least do some devotional time if was being given me-time, but my instinct instead was to pray desperately that we could just deliver this baby – sooner than later – so that I can move past mornings like this one. It was shameful: I sounded like Clare begging for candy – irrational and oblivious to what is best for me.

Somehow the Lord finally got me to my Bible. Women of the Bible has me at Deborah right now, a woman who, in one of Israel’s many downswings, is their current spiritual leader, judge, and prophetess.

Israelites come to her seeking wisdom and guidance, and she considers herself a “mother of Israel.” One day she summons Barak and shares with him a command from God to “take 10,000 men” and lead the way to defeat the Canaanites. The King of Canaan (Jabin) is in a good position because he has the military leadership of Sisera and 900 iron chariots, and so the Israelites had been under his thumb for a good 20 years and were, apparently, scared out of their minds. To be fair, 900 chariots was probably a pretty fabulous advantage. J But the Lord’s message to Barak, delivered clearly by Deborah, is that He will “lure Sisera…with his chariots and troops to the Kishon River and give him into your hands.”

This seems like a good plan, but Barak is not convinced. “If you go with me, I will go; but if you don’t go with me, I won’t go.” Barak’s lack of trust can probably be explained rationally by whatever life experiences he has had. But it’s nothing to be proud of. Deborah is like, ‘fine,’ but know that “the honor will not be yours, for the Lord will hand Sisera over to a woman.”

Cool.

So they go and I’m sure it was crazy and somehow they got the 10,000 men they needed together to go and face their foe. And just as God had said, he leads them (via Deborah) down the mountain to the enemy who is waiting near the Kishon River, which seems like a good idea (for Sisera) until the Lord sends a powerful storm and flood. Sisera’s men are defeated and Sisera runs off. He flees “to the tent of Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite” because Heber’s clan had a good relationship with King Jabin’s clan, so he thinks he can find protection there. Instead, after allowing him in and giving him a false sense of security, Jael kills him while he sleeps. When Barak finally gets there, the party is over. Another woman to the rescue. Jabin is no longer a threat and Israel gets back “the land of milk and honey.”

Pause to let it sink in. There’s a lot here and I have a pile of questions and thoughts about Judges Chapter 4.

But my devotional is asking me about Deborah, so I focus on her. “Which of Deborah’s characteristics would you most like to have? What would you do if you had that characteristic? What can you do to develop it?”

Deborah’s courage and trust is so blatant, and I am intrigued by it. I want her unwavering confidence in her role and what actions should be taken. This is the role the Lord has given her, and she shows no hesitancy in carrying it out.

I want that. What if I had it?

Well, I’d feel more confident! Maybe I would attack my role(s) with more vigor and more enthusiasm!

Wait. Don’t I know what my roles are right now? God has pretty clearly revealed to me what he wants me to be doing these days. I’m a mom, a wife, a friend, part of a community of believers. It’s clear that I’m not to be working outside my home – I’m about to have a baby. My jobs are plain to me, and He has even given me enthusiasm for what I might do later… when my babies don’t need me so much.

Maybe I just need another reminder to daily ask myself – What does God want me to do Today? And it turns out I know the answer. But when I don’t ask the question, I don’t get far. I sit around wallowing in my discomfort and impatience. Surely there is something else I can focus on.

Maybe I just need to apply this Deborah-confidence to the roles I know He expects of me.

Last part of the question – How can I get it?

More time in prayer. More time in the word. Consistency. Meditating on my daily role – what God wants of me Today – and approaching it with the same charge that Deborah does. This needs to be my prayer. And asking the Holy Spirit to help me distinguish God’s voice from the background noise (like impatience and discomfort). Help me Hear Him, over the roar of Me.

I’m begging you. J

Reconstruction

2010-08-25T09:59:00.001-05:00

New bedtime, new baby, moving things around in the house, new school year – it’s a lot for one little girl to handle all at once. And despite the gradual approach to some of it, it’s just hard.

But she put her brave face on again, and with a smile, prepared for her first day of 1^st grade. I’m sure she isn’t the only child who was nervous or the only one who has a lot going on at home. We have a crazy life, and we aren’t the only ones.

But she’s my brave girl, and it’s our crazy life, so it seems pretty significant. Despite this, I didn’t fall apart. I didn’t even get close to tears until I called Brad to say our brave girl went off to 1^st grade strong and resolute. Then I lost it a little, but nothing that you might expect from a very pregnant mom such as this.

The resiliency of kids has always amazed me. Working with high-schoolers and now watching my own children, I’m blown away with how they can bounce back over and over – picking up the pieces and putting them back together. How they put them back together, I think, is based largely on their support system (do they have one?), and so some kids put together a reality that isn’t healthy. But it’s about survival, and so we do what we have to do, with what we know. Not a lot of choice.

I hope and pray I can help my kids put the pieces back together when they have to. Our lives are constantly changing and we all have to re-assemble things every once in a while. I’m glad they have to face change and challenge in childhood. Without it they might become very helpless adults.

Lord, while they are small, help me to provide them with a safe and loving home where they can reconstruct as often as our crazy life calls for it. Thank you for giving me a home like that, and a family whose perpetual love has helped life make sense.

Wanting it All

2010-08-23T09:07:00.000-05:00

It’s hard to write poetry with pregnancy brain. A good, and pregnant, friend of mine found it defined at Pregnancy Fog Brain.. or was it Pregnancy Brain Fog? Either way, the idea is the same: My brain is on standby. It’s focused on getting my home ready and wanting to take a nap, both of which cannot happen at the same time – maybe that is a big part of the problem. I want both. J

Anyway, I could feel the poetry inside me trying to get out this morning as I thought about my baby girl – well, my big girl – and her behavior lately. She is clearly in the place between growing up, and wanting to be the grown-up big sister – and clinging to her childhood. She is only 6 and so she has plenty of it left. But her mind is racing with all that she is realizing about the world and what she is learning and you can see her soaking it all up like a sponge. Simultaneously, she sees that she is older and she sees the coddling small children get, and I think she misses it a bit.

This weekend, albeit after a busy week for her, she was up and down on the big girl/little girl scale. An attitude filled Saturday, turned into a nap – which she promptly denied taking, and then right back into the attitude (I wanted help cleaning the playroom), until her dad came home and asked her to be his helper, to which she enthusiastically responded as the obedient daughter. As the evening went on and she was behaving, she became more and more cuddly to me – trying to make up? – and we had some grown-up little conversations while she snuggled up to me in bed.

It’s a paradox, the poor kid. And I know exactly how she feels. I want my cake and I want to eat it too. But there is so much more to it than that. Responsibilities and accountability and unanswered questions and decisions to make. It’s hard. And it’s like she can sense it. But she is also drawn to the desire for understanding and pursuing her own ideas.

She’s grown up so much this past year.. even this summer. I know the baby coming drives that a bit. We all have changing roles. Sometimes we embrace them, sometimes we don’t. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to see if I can fit a nap into my very busy grown-up day.

The Law

2010-08-20T07:14:00.000-05:00

Confession: I have not really been enjoying my morning devotional lately.

I’ve been using Portals of Prayer – nothing fancy, but usually it is a good solid time – but I just haven’t been inspired by it. Last month was great. They were written by a mom who I had a lot in common with. I loved it. This month the author has decided to focus on Psalm 119 and something in me is annoyed.

I try to use the Bible verses referenced as a jumping off point, and read more of the context than they necessarily suggest. One or two verses makes me nervous cause I feel like I’m not getting the whole story or the whole picture. But I don’t want to read more of Psalm 119. It depresses me.

Psalm 119 is, among other things, a focus on God’s word and law. The writer’s prayer is that he will be directed by God, that God would be gracious to him, and that he understands how vital God’s law is to his life. It’s supposed to be a model of how to live (probably), written by a priest. You understand more what the priests focus is when you recognize his frequent use of these words: law, statues, precepts, commands, ordinances, and decrees.

And it’s verses like this stanza (verses 97-104) that get under my skin:

Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long. Your commands make me wiser than my enemies, for they are ever with me. I have more insight than all my teachers, for I meditate on your statutes. I have more understanding than the elders, for I obey your precepts. I have kept my feet from every evil path so that I might obey your word. I have not departed from your laws, for you yourself have taught me. How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path.

I just can’t relate to this guy.

I certainly do not feel like I have more understanding than my elders, or that I have “kept my feet from every evil path.” It takes me about 2 minutes into my day to fall on my face in sin or judgment. I’d like to hate every wrong path, but I think if I said that I would be fooling myself. And do I meditate on the law all day long? Uh, if the law is how to get my children to cooperate – yeah! I’m all over that. I don’t think that is what the priest is talking about.

Not much inspiration for me here, but I’ve learned a little despite my resistance to connect with these verses. As is the practice in Portals of Prayer, the author identifies a verse in addition to the Psalm. These have been from the books of the gospel and also from Paul’s letters. And when delivered in tandem with the Psalms, they have been revealing. The other day he directed us to some verses in Romans about hope. They were followed by this:

[As hope sustains the believer in suffering, so…] In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself interceded for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will. Romans 8:26,27

This helped me a lot. When I read this Psalm I mostly feel like a total failure. I like the parts when the writer asks God for mercy and praises him for his faithfulness. But I certainly haven’t studied the laws as I’m sure this guy did. Here in Romans it was one more reminder that as a weak child of God, I have the advantage of the Holy Spirit to guide me – even in my prayers. What a relief.

Yesterday the other verse was in Matthew, the 23^rd chapter, verses 23-24. These verses are in a section my Bible labels “Seven Woes,” and the beginning of the chapter starts like this (verses 1-5):

Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples: “The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. They tie up heavy loads and put them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing ot lift a finger to move them.”

I love Jesus’ imagery here. And he goes on to explain how these ‘teachers’ love to BE honored, but it is the humbled and the servants who will be exalted in heaven. He proceeds to explain the transgressions of the Pharisees and here is the one from verses 23 and 24:

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices – mint, dill, cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law – justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.”

Jesus is telling it like it is, and I love it. But what this really made me realize, is that I rarely define the Law as “justice, mercy, and faithfulness.” My mind identifies Law with the Ten Commandments and the book of Leviticus. But the author of yesterday’s devotional points out that “The Law loved by the psalmist includes all of God’s revelation to man…”

Not only does his Word include Leviticus and stories of men failing to hold to the “precepts” he set before them, but it also includes the answer to our failings, which is Christ. When we think about the punishment we deserve for not keeping “the Law,” then we are reminded that “Christ endured our deserved punishment [so he could] satisfy justice for our sins, exhibit godly mercy.., and demonstrate God’s perfect faithfulness…”

And while I know I cannot compare with following the letter of the law the way this Psalmist seems to, I need to seek to live a life that reflects Jesus. I have to make myself putty in God’s hands, so he can mold me. And maybe if I meditate on God’s word and, I guess you’d call it, His Law J, then it might be a little less painful. Justice, mercy, faithfulness. Jesus says these are important matters that need to be our focus. And it is only Jesus that can deliver these things. Which I guess means my focus, should be Jesus.

Change

2010-08-16T09:55:00.001-05:00

Hopefully I'm done changing the look of this thing.. for a while. I like this - it's from Blogger. I'm done now.

An Actual House Update

2010-08-16T06:42:00.000-05:00

When I was in junior high, we had a scary/fabulous teacher – Mrs. Cluver. She had a lot of personality and was, what we thought, very demanding of us. Her expectations were always high and she was serious as a heart-attack, most of the time. When we would ask her “How long does this writing assignment need to be?” in our whiney little junior high voices, her response was always the same: “As long as it takes.”

You can bet, as I learned the arts of teaching and writing, my response to that same question echoed hers. My students were always wanting to know an easy formula for their project. And I was very motivated to teach them – there isn’t one. I loved teaching writing (not grading it J), because it reveals so much about us when we write about something important to us. And it’s the process that really matters – not nearly as vital as the final product when we are talking about a young writer... learning.

Like my students, I have wanted a simple answer to a straightforward question: When will it be done? And like my students, I get the annoying answer: When it’s done.

It’s taken me awhile – a long while – to adjust to this truth. I think I am getting closer. Recently when people have asked about the house, that is what I tell them. And I truly know it. I have no idea, and I realize now – Brad doesn’t really know either. How could he? Who builds a house in their spare time? So he is doing the best he can, without sacrificing watching his children grow up. He works late, but not all night. He comes home to eat and plays with the girls a bit, and we even went away this weekend and I think there wasn’t too much guilt about not working on the house. We needed time together as a family, especially before the baby arrives.

So the real update on the house is: It will be done when it’s done. The project at hand is building a porch. We are working on the last of the decision making as far as this aspect goes, and I’m excited. Having a porch will be very cool, and it means the roofing can be done. It also means a much easier time getting into and out of the house instead of the crazy climbing that is required right now.

There is lots more to do after that. When those things are in sight, I will share. For now, I will do my porch-floor research and be happy with that. Besides, at almost 9 months pregnant, I have enough house decisions on my plate right now. Like, where is this kid going to sleep? J

Runaway Train

2010-08-12T10:34:00.000-05:00

I’m going to blame it on the hormones of my almost-9-month-pregnant body. As I’ve explained to a few friends, it’s EMOTIONx100. It’s Crazy on steroids. It’s actually not as bad as it could be.. which is frightening. Because I hate being out of control. (I think I’ve covered that on here. J) So when my emotions take on a life of their own, I’m extra frustrated with my lack of control on how I perceive the world.

So lately my emotions are a Runaway Train... taking me to Worry and Anxiety way too often. I’ve been to visit Being Annoyed With Everything frequently, and then the train dropped me off in House Stress and I’ve been stuck there. Think old, Western, ghost town... I’m there alone. It’s abandoned and dirty. I try to escape, but it’s usually only after I’ve been wallowing in the mud for a while, so it’s really exhausting to leave. After sitting there in the mud for a while and being annoyed, I have started to remember that I can pray about this and it helps. So I have done that a bit, and I get close to leaving, and then I get distracted by the Baby Store there and it starts all over again.

The Baby Store at House Stress is not as much about all the cute baby things, as the scary baby things. Right now I’m trying to figure out where his clothes will go. I had it all figured out, and then it changed (another thing I get annoyed with), so new plan. New plan which will cost money. Oh, yeah, House Stress is right next to Money Dilemma City, just a short jaunt that I take all the time. But Baby Store reminds me of all the inconveniences that come with small house + new baby, and mostly trying to keep the house in order with a small child and how-is-that-going-to-happen?

Money Dilemma City has stores like Going Back to Work, House Taking Longer, and Health Insurance. I wonder around these establishments picking up the various ideas that are showcased. I sit down with them and ponder them for far too long, and pretty soon I’m so distracted and delusional I don’t even know where I am, let alone how to get out.

Then one day I decided husband needed to come to some of these places with me... because I was tired of traveling alone. Oh my, this was not a good idea. It turns out that I can stomach my own worries far better than I can deal with him being stressed about anything. Probably he needed to be exposed to my concerns – I’m not regretting that. But since I get stuck there, he does too. And I should have known better. There is nothing worse than traveling with a crabby husband. Or getting lost or stuck with one. I’d way rather be lost or stuck with a girlfriend. J

Ok. So let’s get out of this place.

It’s a long road. The Runaway Train doesn’t take you back. It only takes you from settlement to horrible settlement. The only way back is walking. And the only one who knows the way, is my Jesus. He’s been sitting by- observing, being sad for how pathetic I am, waiting for me come to him for help.

Finally I do.

My morning dev has a verse: “Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.” Psalm 119:64

I walk over and sit down next to him on a dusty park bench. He is leaning against an enormous rock. (Don’t forget, this is the desert.)

“You didn’t promise me a new house... did you?” I say slowly, knowing the answer to the question.

“Nope.”

“That’s not the promise.”

“Correct.”

“You didn’t promise me a clean house, either. Or enough money on one salary. Or affordable health insurance.”

“Wish I could have.”

“So how do I get out of this place?! I’m so frustrated with where my brain is going. I’m so focused on all these crappy things that I don’t really want to be thinking about. I’m like trapped in being annoyed with all this stuff, but I want to be happy. I know there are good things, but there’s like this immense fog of worry that stands before me! What am I suppose to do?”

“It’s not about what you do. It’s about who you are.”

“Yuck. I’m horrible. I’m a mess and I’m mean. Yuck. I don’t like that answer.”

“No, you’re a new creation in Christ, remember? (2 Corinthians 5:17) You’re a child of God (John 1:12) and you have a job here... a few, actually. You are God’s building project, His handiwork, created in Christ to do His work” (Ephesians 2:10).

“Ok, good. That is sounding good. Keep going. I need a purpose other than worrying about all this stuff.”

“Well, first of all, if you are going to be of use, you have to put away that old self… put to death the evil stuff like anger, and lies, and covetousness, and slander. And Daily, you need to do this. The sinful you that wants to come out and overtake who you are in Christ, will continue to do battle with this good stuff. But that’s not what you are now. You look like me now. So every day you put to death the old. And it is thru Faith that you can be sure that I will make you new. It’s not because you are so smart.”

“Right. Ok, yeah. So coveting and being angry and even being worried, probably. I need to give that to you.”

“Yes. And then you can dress yourself in who you really Are – God’s chosen one. Put on those clothes in the morning. Holy things like compassion, forgiveness, patience, contentment and love. This is what your life should be about. These are the things you want to focus on – cause I know you want to focus on something. My life was about love. Your life should be about love. It’s about other people. It’s not really about you as much as you want it to be. Act in love. Forgive constantly. Build a good marriage. Raise your children in my name. Figure out what you can do Today. Don’t worry so much about tomorrow. Take care of business, but take care of my business first.”

“I’m still going to struggle with all that other stuff.”

“Well, ye of little faith – have some faith. Yes, you will. But I’m right here. Give it to me. That’s what I took to the cross – all your shortcomings. All your sin. I took care of it. So let me take care of it daily, too. Trust me with it. I will drown it in the living water that I promised you.”

“There’s the promise.”

“Yep.”

“That I can always give it to you. That you will make me a new creation. That despite all this yucky stuff that I worry about, I can live a life about Love and Joy, and I can Celebrate, instead of mourn.”

He smiles.

I look off into the distance. A breeze blows the sand. I can see hazy, colorful mountains in the distance. I can feel the warm sun. It’s gorgeous. It’s not foggy. I half expect him to be gone when I look back – like in a movie. But He’s not.

“I hope I don’t come back here.” I say.

“I’ll meet you wherever you are.”

Comfort. In 2 Corinthians, Paul says “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.”

It’s not about me.

“Ok, I’m done here. I want to go home and live my life today and not worry so much. I want to focus on the good things. I want to be of use to you and my family.”

“Good. But it’s a long walk. I mean, I just want you know. It’s dusty and you will be tired. And you will frequently be distracted by the towns we walk past. But I’ll walk with you. Keep your eyes up ahead, on your girls and the baby and your job as a wife and mother. Keep it on your job as a friend and a child of God. You are joined forever to the Lord and you are one spirit with Him (1Corinthians 6:17).”

I stand up. I look around. We are leaving tonight for a little family vacation. We are all looking forward to it. I want it to be relaxing. I don’t want it to be me unloading on Brad because I have him to myself for a few hours. I make a mental note of this, and start walking. ‘What can you do today?’ I have laundry that needs to be folded, packing that needs to be done, and a van to clean. I can be very thankful for all that has been provided for us and that we have scrounged up the cash for this little trip. Let’s focus on the girls’ excitement and the healthy family that will be taking this trip.

And there it is again –

Be joyful always; Pray continually; Give thanks in all circumstances; for it is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

I Thes 5:16-18

Shares Well with Others

2010-08-02T11:32:00.000-05:00

a couple of my blessings

Ahhh… quiet. Just the sound of the air conditioner and the fans running. Music to my ears and pregnant body. J Grandma ran off with the girls for the day, so I will hopefully be finding my kitchen again (it is very lost) and working on a meal for a friend.. and maybe even us.Summertime and 8 months pregnant has my meal plan out the window, and my husband never sure if there will be dinner when he comes home from work or not. J Luckily, he hasn’t been complaining.

Yesterday I was looking thru an Uppercase Living catalog, when I came across the expression “Don’t just count your blessings; Share them.” I love a good proverb, one that goes against the grain of how people tend to think, and this one stopped me in my tracks. Counting my blessings is one thing I have been trying really hard to do lately. I know that God wants me to focus on those and not the complaints I have. But sharing them? Well, that goes against how conversation works in our world… in many circles. Doesn’t it?

Am I the only one that finds myself sharing my complaints more than my blessings? It goes something like this:

“Hey, how’s it going?”

“Oh, good! How are you?!”

“Good, good. I mean, now that Clare has stopped screaming for a bit, things are much better! Haha..”.. laughter, etc..

“Yeah, I know what you mean. (Fill in name of child here) is (pick one) teething/weaning/mad at her sister/getting an attitude/bored and so it has made for an exhausting (pick one) weekend/day/summer.”

“Oh, yeah, yeah. Been there!! I remember when…”

..And the conversation continues, sharing sob stories and the drama of our children. On one hand these interactions are important. We have to share our not-so-perfect lives with each other… especially as moms. It’s vital for us to know that we are NOT alone and we have ALL been there.We may even glean a new approach or two out of the exchange.

But how often do our conversations focus on sharing a good thing or two? It seems like the path to that conversation winds around a little more, and doesn’t last as long. We don’t know how to nurture that conversation the way we do the pity party.

I’m not sure why this is, and I’m not sure how much analysis it requires. But it made me think of this little suggestion that Paul has in Philippians chapter 4, verse 8:

Whatever is True, whatever is Right, whatever is Pure, whatever is Lovely, whatever is Admirable – if anything is Excellent or Praiseworthy – think about such things.

I like to capitalize those ideas, and think about them sometimes; attempting to identify what in my life might qualify. Some days it’s harder than others. Maybe that is one of the reasons it’s so fun to have Clare around. The funny things she says work for True and sometimes Pure. J If anything they give us a good laugh, which seems like an Excellent thing.

Maybe this week I should really try to identify what in my life is True and Right and Lovely.Maybe I’ll make a little chart and put it on the fridge and when I think of something I can jot it down up there in between filling a juice cup and wiping a spill. Maybe I can “think about such things” and then figure out how to share them in conversation. And maybe we’ll all be surprised at how easy it really is.

A few more things to praise about...

New Kind of List

2010-07-22T23:39:00.000-05:00

I love making lists. Love it.

I have lists for what I’m going to do today, groceries we need, what I need for the baby, plans for the house, what I’m thankful for… on and on. Yesterday a new idea occurred to me. I was feeling tired and unmotivated and I knew I wasn’t going to be crossing much off my list. So I decided to record what I did, instead.

My list of where my day went, was a good one. At first I was writing down times, but that was not that fun. How long did that take? Ok, so after a bit of the time stuff, I got rid of that and just listed events chronlogically. Anyway, here’s part of it..

Clare gets up
make her breakfast
try to go back to sleep – no luck – worrying
make me breakfast
eat while doing dev
write in journal about worrying

Normally I wouldn’t think this sort of thing list-worthy. But reading thru it was interesting. Oh, so that’s what I did all morning.

I enjoyed another part of my list:

played game with Clare
chatted on phone with a friend
refereed a fight between the girls
comforted an apologetic Clare

This kind of stuff takes time. And I know that, and I haven’t been wondering where all my time goes. But it’s still a nice reminder to see what I’m doing here with them. J And in light of trying to stay thankful this week, it fit right in. Looking at this list as the day went on, was encouraging and inspiring. I actually got a lot done in the afternoon.

Tomorrow I’m going to tackle the basement. I’m sure I will have plenty of interruptions. Maybe keeping track of them will help remind me what my job really is.

With Gratitude

2010-07-20T09:37:00.000-05:00

I’m noticing a theme.

There is a unifying or dominant idea that has been popping up frequently as I seek God’s help. It’s not new. It’s not confusing. It’s not what I was looking for.

It’s thankfulness.

When I cried out in tears under the stars for God to change my heart, he gave me this verse:

Be joyful always; pray continually; GIVE THANKS IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:16-18

He has directed me back to this verse over and over.

When I woke up this morning and my head was filled with worries.. all of which I could NOT tackle today to be sure, I was directed to Philippians 4:6-7:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, WITH THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

In order to present my requests to God (please, dear Lord, give me peace and a better attitude and maybe even some energy), it was clear from these instructions that I first had to focus on being thankful. And as I did so, I could see that this thankfulness thing is a bigger part of God’s plan than I may have realized.

It makes sense. When I became a parent, I quickly saw how our relationship with God must mirror, in many ways, that relationship we have with our children. I can imagine, just a bit, how God must feel when the answers are right in front of us and we just can’t seem to find them. I can relate, on some level, when my children complain about things that seem so trivial or when they get stuck in a mood focusing only on one frustrating problem.. yet they have so much to be happy about.

Look at your life! I want to say. You have so little to worry about! You have so much going for you! Don’t get down! Don’t be depressed! Who cares about what that other little girl says?! Ignore her! Be thankful for the friends you have! Don’t be mad that we can’t go outside right now! It will stop raining soon and we can go play! There are plenty of other fun things to do in here. Let’s find them!

Colossians chapter 3, which has a lot of fabulous things to say about how we should live our lives, says this:

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. AND BE THANKFUL. Let the word of Christ dwell in your richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hyms and spiritual songs WITH GRATITUDE IN YOUR HEARTS TO GOD. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, GIVING THANKS TO GOD THE FATHER THROUGH HIM.

Let Peace rule in your hearts.. and be thankful.. and let the Word dwell in you richly.. and worship with thankfulness.. and whatever you do, give thanks to Him.

Usually when I seek God, looking for answers or comfort, my first stop is not at the booth of thankfulness. It’s at the booth of whininess. “Here’s my complaints, Lord. Here are my problems! They are falling down all around me and I don’t know what to do…” I cry pathetically.

And He patiently addresses me and my problems.. with the same answers that He has provided so often before. And if I go through my journals and look at my prayers and conversations with God, many of them end up with me listing out the things I have to be thankful for. Frequently they end with a focus on all that I have been provided with, all the incredible people and provisions that I deserve none of. And more peace.

Forgive me, Lord. And thank you.

Be Joyful

2010-07-17T09:48:00.001-05:00

Lord, thank you for this exciting week!

Thank you for the fair. Love the family time it brings, love the memories it makes. I love that we can be exposed to the hard work of farmers and kids in this area so we can appreciate them more.

Thank you for Brad’s big win and how much he loved his night. Thank you for keeping him mostly safe J and for keeping everyone else mostly safe too.

Thank you for a morning visit in person with my brother. So rare. So good.

Thank you for sweet corn, corn dogs, ice cold water, and providing for our needs.

Thank you for air conditioning and swimming pools.

Thank you for this incredible family and the relationships that continue to develop and grow.

Thank you for cheers and tears from friends.

Thank you for new babies, here and on the way. Be with their mamas.

Keep reminding me that your plan is better than mine. Lord, help me to stay thankful and joyful after the week is over and the excitement is gone.

Let It Go

2010-07-10T08:49:00.000-05:00

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thes 5:18

I have a LOT of good things going on right now. But the devil is good at making me feel sorry for myself. And at times like those, I can’t help but blame him for hormones too. Same old story with me these days: wondering how we will bring home a baby to this little house, get Soph too school, and move someday. Nothing that hasn’t been done before and I’ve been getting tired of feeling annoyed about it.

So, my focus needed to change. And after a big crash of emotions last week, God and I had a talk and he opened my eyes to Letting Go.

Not a big surprise that I HAVE A PLAN and IT’S NOT HIS. I love my plans. I love making lists, I love brainstorming.. I Love Planning. It’s one of the reasons I love to teach, it’s one of the reasons I love life, frankly. J So of course, I always have to have at least a loose mental plan for the next few months of life, depending on what’s going on.

I’m not sure my husband usually plans much past the next 24 hours, and even that can sometimes be a stretch for him. But this year he has had a plan to get back into demo derby cars, and I was well aware of it. When we first started talking about it, we were also discussing building a house. When your husband is building you a house, it’s hard to say no to the little things. Well, it seemed little at the time. And we both believe strongly that we all need down-time, that we all need a break to keep us sane. So this seemed like a nice distraction for him to occasionally turn to.

And it has been.

But now it’s July and I’m really pregnant and stressed out and I want the house to be done. And for the next week, and for the last week (at least), that has not been his plan.

My plan has also been derailed, largely, by the weather, so it’s not like if he wasn’t doing demo the house would be ready. Not at all. And guess what – I can’t help with the house. I can’t do much on ladders these days, and no heavy lifting, and NEWSFLASH: I don’t know how to build a porch.

So basically this is a formula for me going crazy and feeling REALLY helpless and OUT OF CONTROL and we all know that is not going to sit well in this crazy head of mine.

So last weekend I was trying really hard to give it to God and He gave me this verse from Thessalonians about being joyful – and it didn’t really bring me joy. It brought me frustration and I was praying on it and knocking and pounding on the door thru my tears and looking for the thankfulness and He said “My will” and I threw up my hands and said Fine.

I hate giving up control. And it turns out generally in life I get my way. And it turns out when I don’t I’m like a spoiled little brat, stomping my feet and arguing and pouting. (I wondered where Sophie got that.)

After a bit of that, God tried really hard (and with some degree of patience) to show me the big picture, and reminded me of how great His plan has been in the past – even when mine was really good – and I started practicing saying “Let it go, let it go, let it go…” over and over.

On day 3 of my chant, I opened up a pocket devotional to the appropriate day and it said this: Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21. I laughed out loud and felt like God was saying, “Yes, I heard you. Yes, My plan is a good one. Keep up the effort.”

Day 4 I felt a little less stressed than I have and had a good day with the girls. Day 5 my husband asked if I wanted to go to a demo with him, and I managed to say yes and we spent time together for the evening and the wall started to crumble. Day 6 of Letting Go he got home when he said he would, and we even joked a little about our differences.

On Day 1 I made a list of the things I know for sure. Things like “Sophie starts school in August” and “We are expecting a baby boy in September” and “I need a dresser for this new baby’s things.” I went to a garage sale and found lots of deals and I’m making plans to paint an old dresser we have downstairs. I’m trying to figure out if we will have money for Sophie to get new school clothes and I need to make arrangements for her to go to the eye dr. Things I have control over, that need to be taken care of.

I can’t control how fast the house is being built. I can’t control the weather. I can’t control my husband (really?). I can control my joy (sortof), and I can control how much time I spend in prayer, and I can be thankful.

Today is Day 7. I have lots to be thankful for. My list making on Day 1 helped me to see that.

Anticipating Parenthood

2010-05-29T08:51:00.000-05:00

I distinctly remember being an emotional wreck when my brother Bradley graduated from high school. Three years apart, I’d had my opportunity to find out about life-after-Cissna, and it had been a bumpy ride. I remember being especially sad about the hard lessons he would have to learn on his own, the pain they would evoke, and the scary process of watching someone pick themselves up and move on. I wanted to just take it all away, somehow spare him the angst that we all have to live thru. But I was quite aware of how out-of-my-hands his future was.

Exactly 11 years later, his life is about to change in a very different way. Baby Boy Hofbauer will be born quite soon, and all those years of life lessons will be utilized to help raise-up a child. I’m sure I’ll be an emotional wreck again, but this time I am eager to watch him go on the exhilarating and bumpy ride of parenthood. I can’t wait to see him experience the ups and downs, the lessons, the Moments of having a child – a child who reflects the commitment and love of 2 amazing people, who is all theirs, and a Responsibility none of us can really wrap our minds around.

Parenthood should be much scarier than graduating from high school. And for some people, it is. But for most of us, I think that that Fear is quickly overcome by the Miracles, the Fascination, and the Beauty of another life in our arms. Yes, Fear still waits in our hearts, creeping up in moments of uncertainty. But Awe and Inspiration stand tall and overbearing, shoving pictures into stranger’s laps, and extending our exhausted bodies beyond what should be humanly possible. Priorities shift and a new category of Love is born into our inadequate little hearts, and suddenly so much more about life makes sense.

I wish I could be there to hold my new nephew when he is only days old. And I wish I could witness the look on my brother’s face when Bradley rocks his baby boy to sleep or comforts his cries. But either way, knowing he gets to experience these moments is remarkable. Let the emotions roll – this ride is a welcome one.

Meanwhile

2010-05-28T00:10:00.000-05:00

Instead of a new picture of the house, I should post a picture of my sleeping husband. In the chair for less than 5 minutes.. and he is OUT. Not that it’s early – it’s 10:45 pm and he has only been home about an hour or so. No one can blame him.

We went out to the house tonight, the girls and I. They got to ride bikes out there and “help” me in the house, while I worked thru the kitchen design (again) trying to decide how I want things. It was much windier out there than I realized and he was on the roof putting tar paper on by himself. At times I could see him fighting the wind to get the paper to lay right, or to move a 2x4 into the right position. It’s crazy. I wished so badly I could get on the roof and help him, but we all know that’s out of the question these days. (Not sure he would let me even if I wasn’t pregnant.)

He’s working so hard, day and night. And he’s pretty stressed out overall. I’m sad I can’t do much to help him. He is still functioning generally, and has a great attitude with the girls. I know he has a lot on his mind and he’s exhausted, so I’m trying to give him lots of space and not harp on him about things. He is quite aware of how fast this baby is coming and how much work there is to be done.

It certainly has its effect on our relationship. Lots going on for both of us, and only so much we really want to talk at length about. I’m sure he’s tired of talking about kitchens. They say that building a house is one of those things that can “make or break” a marriage. We both feel pretty confident that we will get thru this without leaving each other, and it’s easier knowing the hardest part of what we’re doing now should be over by 2011. Pregnancy, building a house, him building a house for my parents (yikes) - the heavy lifting will be over eventually. Obviously we will have another child and a bigger mortgage when it’s over, but by the grace of God we will be able to handle it.

But I pray that when this year is over, WE will still be ok. We will be different people, for sure – but the important stuff will be the same hopefully. Like our commitment. But I’m still a bit scared about what repairs will have to be made to US when the dust settles.

Looking over at him asleep in the chair, I know some things won’t change. We both agree that we would prefer to keep our problems/privileges over most other people’s, any day. And if we keep talking, I think we’ll be ok. Meanwhile, if you see him, tell him you saw a picture and the house looks great. Don’t act like it’s taking forever, but ask him about his kids. We have a lot of fabulous things going for us, and the house is certainly one of them. And for all the things that are kindof getting a backseat right now, the girls get the best of him. I doubt that will change.

Warning: I'm Hormonal

2010-05-13T21:09:00.000-05:00

Feeling really pregnant at this moment. Finally sitting down in a chair and my belly looks quite large. I’m rubbing it, as pregnancy seems to warrant, slowly and somewhat methodically I suppose.

I now realize my feet are sore. I’m not complaining, just realizing. It’s been one of those days, where I’m pretty sure I haven’t sat down for hours. I worked today, which went very well, and then came home and managed all that waits here. Sophia has Career Dress-Up Day tomorrow, so we worked on creating an outfit for her that screams “ARTIST!!!” Of course, this involves fabric paint and a LOT of excitement. Clare had to get into it too, and finger paints weren’t enough for her. She had to empty a couple of bottles of fabric paint onto finger-paint-paper and then cover the paper with it using q-tips. I know. It’s fabulous. Obviously there were some issues, like – fabric paint doesn’t come off of.. well, fabric. So my girls gradually stripped down. It doesn’t exactly wipe off skin either, but I’m just not really too concerned about it.

All of this in the midst of a pretty crabby Clare tonight. Lots of crying and whining and all that 3 year old kind of stuff. Asking her to come to dinner, or pick up toys, or wash her hands, has been like asking Iran to cooperate. It’s just not looking good.

Meanwhile, Brad was going out to the house. I asked him to be home by 7:15 so we could eat together, but get Clare to bed before 9. Didn’t happen. Shock of the century. So I was a bit perturbed. You know how a cranky child can suck the life out of you, quickly dissolving reason and sanity. It was a lot like that. So I won’t be much of a conversationalist tonight, but he’ll get over it.

On the plus side, I’m married to a very committed man, pretty happily overall. (Did I just say he should be committed? Just kidding. J) Seriously, today was one of those days where there were all these conversations about people who are getting divorced. And this week I’ve been thinking a lot about how really glad I am to be in a stable relationship, raising children in a healthy environment such as this. Well, ya know – relatively healthy. J I had a dream at the beginning of the week that Brad was leaving me. It was like a movie. We’d been on this long trip together, I thought celebrating our 15 years together. But at the end he informed me that it had been a ‘last hurrah’ of sorts and it was over. After collapsing and beginning to try to process what he was saying, I woke up – in tears – and looked around horrified.

Every day this week since then, there has been something to make me feel sad for someone else.. like watching a freshly divorced dad in the stillness of the early morning, quietly drop off bicycle equipment for his kids who have moved across town, and then leave without going inside. Like hearing about a couple, only married a year, who have decided they just can’t work it out, and they are going their separate ways.

I’m not criticizing this behavior, I’m just saddened by it. I’m so thankful to feel secure in my marriage and to feel loved and like we are both on the same page. This year is crazy – me pregnant, Brad building a house – but it’s ours. And we are trying really hard not to completely screw it up. It’s tricky, as marriage tends to be. But with the grace of God, we will get thru this year – stronger and smarter when it’s over.

In exhausting moments like this, it’s good that God gives me a thankful heart. And when this one, huge, fabulous thing hits me – it’s easy to look around and see some more things I’m thankful for. At this moment, Sophia walked in with bright eyes and said, holding her cup from dinner, “Mom. I’m Super Lucky – I had cranberry juice left.” She drinks it. “Super Lucky,” she raises her eyebrows and grins.

Yeah. Super Lucky.

My Growing Girls

2010-05-12T13:16:00.000-05:00

It should be no surprise that my mom and I have always kindof enjoyed alliteration with the girls’ names. We all have a tendency to do this with babies. Sophie was not very old before someone called her “Sweet Sophia,” and of course as a funny 1 year old she was often “Silly Sophie.” Mom and I can’t resist “Smart Sophia,” of course, and she has a special talent for being “Stalling Sophia.”

Clare tends to earn “Crazy Clare,” pretty frequently. There is always “Cute Clare” and maybe eventually she’ll qualify for “Classy.” J Her name doesn’t quite lend itself to the game as well as Sophia’s does it seems – at least not in a positive way. Today Clare can be described as “crabby,” “cranky,” or “contrary.”

Like their names, the girls present their own characteristics – so different from one another. Clare continues to be clever and entertaining and usually full of energy. Yesterday at lunch in a large booth at a restaurant she was all over the place and at one point told me “I can’t stop hopping, Mommy!” She also talked loudly about the people sitting nearby including “Why do they look look like that, Mommy? They are old!” Eventually she managed to fall out of the booth while playing with her booster seat (not sitting in it), but was unharmed. She then crawled on my lap and hugged and kissed me and proclaimed “You are the best mommy ever, Mommy!” which I’m sure was not the shared opinion of those sitting nearby.

Sophia reminds us almost daily of her seemingly certain future in communications. Visiting G’ma Hofbauer on Easter, she assembled an audience (of adults) and began presenting a seminar on the various bubble wands she had acquired that morning from the Easter Bunny – there were probably over 20 of them. Her speech was organized and included things like a ‘startling statement’ to grab our attention and ‘motivating your audience.’ “Have you ever seen a bubble wand shaped like a heart?!” she said with enthusiasm and excitement. Or “Have you ever blown a bubble the size of your head?” It was fabulous and somewhat amazing.

I’d better get back to Clare, who just ran in and is naked. I’m struggling with alliteration for that one. I’d better get her dressed before we have to go get Speaker of the House Sophia. I’m sure she has all sorts of things planned for us this evening…