Rules

First-borns are notorious for being rule-followers. I admit that in some areas I am obsessive about this. That’s why I’m an English teacher. On the other hand, I think I’m more laid back than many and I’m glad. My oldest is showing signs of loving rules, so the other day I tried to introduce her to the idea that some rules are just not that important.

We frequently pass by a farmhouse up the road from where we live. And by frequent, I mean just about every time we go anywhere. Back in the fall we were driving by and I noticed their Halloween decorations and pointed them out to Sophia. She was impressed. It was festive and Sophia loves to be festive.

Well, the decorations have not moved since and Sophia cannot help but point this out regularly. (Warning, my daughter liberally uses the word ‘hate.’ Don’t hold it against her; we’re working on it.)

Yesterday she says, “I hate that house. They need to take that stuff down. That witch is ugly. It’s WEIRD.” (another favorite word of hers if she doesn’t like something.)

“It’s not that big of a deal, Soph. They probably just keep forgetting. Don’t let it bother you.”

She was very insistent on this, though.

“They should NOT have that up anymore! Halloween is years ago. It’s summer, Mom!”

“Sophie, it’s not your house. What do you care? People can do whatever they want with their houses! What if they drove by and said ‘You should not have a swing in your yard, because we don’t like it!’

“That’s illegal. Of course I can have a swing in my yard! Mom! That decoration should not be there!”

“Sophie, people can have whatever they want on their porches. It isn’t your deal. Don’t worry so much about the rules! Sometimes it’s fun to do your own thing!”

“That’s wrong. I hate it. They need to change it.”

Oh my.

This is somewhat amusing. (illegal?!) But scary too! I really try to be aware of daily conversation that is so judgmental and black and white like this. I try to avoid it or snuff it out when it rises up. She can be so harsh! And I’m sure I can be as well. I pray to God, this passionate anger about nothing that really matters... goes away. Yikes. Literally, I’m going to pray about it and actively work on this. For both of us.

[Btw, don’t hold this against her when she’s older, or bring it up when she’s 12 and says something is ‘wrong.’ Yea, I’m talking to you, family members. It won’t be funny. She’s 5. Give her a break. :)]

A New Day

I've read into chapter 6 of the Birth Order Book. This chapter is titled "Moving from Perfectionism Toward Excellence." In this chapter he talks about the difference between Perfectionism and Excellence and has a number of "tips" for me to get better. :) One of his recent points is that I might not take criticism well. Huh.

Is it a coincidence that I haven't gotten very far in this chapter over the past 2 weeks? I have plenty of excuses - 2 of my very good friends had new babies within 2 days of each other last week. Plus Easter brought plenty of busyness and a scrapbook for G'ma H that I was finishing. But when I opened it today I was like, oh, yea, this stuff. huh. Concentration level was not super. All these points about what I'm doing wrong.. it's hard to swallow. And a lot to change. yuck.

Today I tried something new though. One weakness I have is that I don't try new things that I'm afraid I might fail at. I knew this before I picked up the book, but it's made me think more about it. Anyway, today I gave blood for the first time. I'm sure it sounds dumb that I thought I might fail at that, but I was pretty sure the chances were high that I was going to pass out. That's just what happens to me. :) But I didn't! And it went great. I've always had a lot of guilt about not doing it. My dad has always donated and I know it's needed and a good thing. Since I had plenty of people to help take care of my kids, and few excuses, I went for it. It was awesome to have my girls there to see this act of service in their mom, both grandpas, a great-aunt and plenty of others in the community. I want this kind of thing to be really natural for my kids. Overall, it was a big blessing.

And that is what it's about - one day at a time. Overcoming challenges, yelling a little less than the last frustrating day, trying new things.. eating ice cream with the girls. :) It was a good Monday. Oh, it's Tuesday? Huh, well, I never said I was perfect. ;)

Partnering with Hearts

If you've read my blog, you know that I'm kindof :) obssessed with Hearts at Home. Recently I partnered up with this organization as a blogger. Over time I hope to share with you the many resources this ministry has to offer (old ones and new). To learn more about the Hearts at Home Blogging team go here.

Here is a message direct from Hearts:

Have you ever felt alone as a mom? Lost in your chosen field of mothering?

There is an organization that was created to encourage, educate and equip women in the profession of motherhood. Hearts at Home helps thousands of moms love their lives through their many resources including conferences, website, and books.

I would like to encourage you to explore their website and blog for an immediate dose of mothering encouragement.

Good Enough. Really?

One of the sessions I went to at Hearts at Home was Dr. Kevin Leman's session on Birth Order. I've been wanting to read his book for years, fascinated with his theories about how birth order influences our personality and relationships. It's pretty convincing, especially when he describes YOU, with special note of the nasty traits that you don't really like to think other people are paying attention to.

After I wrote that sentence, I read it about three times. Then I typed, 'how was that for a horrible sentence?' This brings me to the inspiration for writing today. I started the book last week and I've made it through the chapter on what it means to be an oldest, and now I've begun the part on perfectionism.

The question of whether I'm a perfectionist has always eluded me. I know that I have some perfectionist issues, but overall I'm a mess, so I figured I didn't fit the bill. So I took the quiz today. He throws it at me on the 2nd page of this chapter, without much time to prepare. I took it, surprised that the questions were not about organization or getting places on time. Instead he asks questions like "Do mistakes irritate you?" and "Do you use the word 'should' a lot?" Or how about this one - "Do you find yourself apoogizing for certain work because you could have done it better if you had had more time?"

Uh, Yeah. I do that.

So the scoring looks like this:
If you score an
11-16 = mild perfectionist
17-25 = medium perfectionist
26-33 = extreme perfectionist, and he adds (you're too hard on yourself and everyone else)

So my score is 26. And I was a little thrown. Maybe you aren't. But I am.
And there are a lot of weaknesses of an oldest child that I have worked on and I feel good about - Like I've learned to say no. And I try not to worry so much about the rules. Well, some of them. I hope that I don't "fail to pay attention to the more intuitive opinions of others."
I didn't understand how this perfectionism stuff works. But apparently my messiness and procrastination are tools that I use to cover up my not-so-perfect results, or put off the not-so-perfect future.

Leman's book isn't about making me feel more inadequate. It's about understanding yourself better so that you can make the most of your strengths. AND try to help your kids, and not hinder them, with all the birth orders pushing them around (her own birth order as well as those of her parents). I'm looking forward to reading more about this. Could there be a day when I don't over-criticize every word I type or read? Overanalyze everything I do? Could I spare my oldest a similar fate?

I'll keep you posted. Meanwhile I'll try not to overanalyze my personality. Or my kids'. Or this post that I just wrote...

But if I don't have Love, I am nothing.

The Mom's Bible Study group that I've been a part of this year (a huge blessing to say the least) read and discussed this book Who Got Peanut Butter on My Daily Planner? Organizing and LOVING Your Days as Mom, by Cindy Sigler Dagnan. It is pretty good and very practical. Anyway, my favorite part of the book is this rendition of I Corinthians 13 - for Moms.

I can read bedtime stories till the cow jumps over the moon and sing "Ten Little Monkeys" until I want to call the doctor - but if I don't have love, I'm as annoying as a ringing phone.

I can chase a naked toddler through the house while cooking dinner and listening to voice mail, I can fix the best cookies and Kool-Aid in the neighborhood, and I can tell a sick child's temperature with one touch of my finger, but if I don't have love, I am nothing.

Love is patient while watching and praying by the front window when it's 30 minutes past curfew. Love is kind when my teen says, "I hate you!" It does not envy the neighbor's swimming pool or their brand-new minivan, but trusts the Lord to provide every need.

Love does not brag when other parents share their disappointments and insecurities and rejoices when other families succeed.

It doesn't boast, even when I've multitasked all day long and my husband can't do more than one thing at a time.

Love is not rude when my spouse innocently asks, "What have you done today?" It is not easily angered, even when my 15-year-old acts like the world revolves around her. It is not self-righteous when I remind my 17-year-old that he's going 83 in a 55-mph-zone, but rejoices in the truth.

Love trusts God to protect our children when we cannot. It perserveres through blue nail polish, burps and other bodily functions, rolled eyes, crossed arms, messy rooms and sleepovers.

Love never fails. But where there are memories of thousands of diaper changes and painful labors, they will fade away. Where there is talking back, it will (eventually) cease. (Please Lord?) But when we get to heaven, our imperfect parenting will disappear. (Thank you, God!)

When we were children, we needed a parent to love and protect us. Now that we're parents ourselves, we have a heavenly Father who adores, shelters and holds us when we need to cry.

And now these three remain; faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.