Different Kids, Same Mom

A couple of weeks ago I was really struggling with my oldest.  While we have a lot in common, she is still very different from me.  She communicates a lot like her dad – a code I’ve still not cracked.  It’s much easier for me to plow through things with Clare.  Somehow it seems like when the dust settles, we are on the same team.  Not the case with me and Soph.

Wanted: Wisdom

A couple of months ago I was really struggling with my school-age child. We were butting heads constantly. I was so frustrated with her “attitude” and wanted to nip it Right then and There. Unfortunately, that translated into constant criticism, which didn’t get me the results I wanted PLUS made both of us feel terrible about ourselves all the time.

I backed off and decided to pick my battles with a little more wisdom. It turns out parenting is a process and so is her developing personality. While I can’t let her rule the family with her bossiness, I can’t be constantly reprimanding her either. I’ve changed my strategy and currently things are a bit better. I won’t elaborate on “my strategy” unless you ask me to, because I’m not really here to dole out parenting advice.

I’m here because I’m looking for some.

Next up on The Challenges of Parenting a School-Age Child Experience: How to Handle Struggles at School. This episode – Reading.

My oldest is brilliant in many ways. She has fabulous ideas, she’s great with numbers, and she’s a Creator. But she’s been slow to become a fluent reader. At this point neither her teacher nor I think she’s dealing with a disability. We may find otherwise down the road, but so far we just think it’s taking her a little longer than many of her peers.

I’m not freaking out about this. But I am trying to address the situation appropriately, and I want to help her. She’s frustrated about it and knows she is kind-of behind. Yesterday we got her report card and sat down to look at it together. Those of you who have walked this road know that children can take this sort of thing really personally. I did not realize this. I focused in on the great parts of her report card, and there are many. But her attention went straight to the weaknesses. I read her what the teacher said in the Comments, which included that “she is improving” but needs to “practice more to increase her fluency” and that she could also work on her writing skills. I read the positive comments too and looked over and she was crying. L It made me sad. O, oldest perfectionist daughter! O, sweet first grader who wants to please her teacher... and her parents! Please don’t cry.

So I tried to comfort her and we talked a little and it wasn’t the end of the world. But the planner in me has a hard time not laying it all out:

“Ok, Sophie, we need to work on this. So after you get done with your homework every night, and then piano practice, we need to spend 45 minutes, at least, reading. We’ll go thru this checklist that your teacher suggests and….”

No. I didn’t say that. But it was hard not to. I don’t want her to be thinking about what a drag this is that she has to read more. I want her to be motivated and willing. I don’t want to be crabby about it, and I’m determined not to.

So what is your advice for approaching this with her? I’m thinking she might enjoy a chart. She is an oldest type A, after all. I have some ideas for rewards… I just don’t know. I want to know what not to say, and what I could say that would be helpful. And I think largely, I need to pray that I don’t destroy any confidence that she does have. And that I can help to build her up. Any of your suggestions are welcome.

Ode to My Sophia

Birthdays are a good excuse - and a good reason - to focus in on one kid. I appreciate that today is Sophie's day and, as such, gives me an opportunity to really think about how blessed we are that she is ours.

Of course there is the usual "I can't believe she's 7." Although this year it does seem a little different. I mean, 7? Really? That's a long time. J

But also I'm thinking more just about who she is as a person. And I'm focusing in on the good stuff. It's hard not to feel a little sorry for her - she has some of her teeth and is missing others; and she's growing out her bangs. So it's a rather awkward stage for her. But her confidence doesn't seem too shaken. I love that she has her own sense of style and is not afraid to go with it. She wears outfits I would not have attempted, and does things to her hair I have not thought of. And frequently it looks fabulous. She is clearly an artist, though she is less confident about that idea. But I think it's clear and I love it.

She is smart and sassy. This gets her in trouble, but often it's spot-on. Her wit and wisdom frequently impress me. I hate when she argues with me, but sometimes she makes a good point and gets me thinking twice bout my own behavior.

She loves loves loves her siblings, especially when Clare is in a good mood. J She appreciates Clare's hilarious personality, and she values our family.. as a family. She can't help but love to teach - and learn. She really likes to be in charge and I can't blame her one bit. She has great ides and I just wish I had enough money to carryout half of them.

She is certainly growing up. Besides being a head taller than many of her friends, she is thoughtful and dramatic. These are two qualities that I expect will only get stronger. And when I say thoughtful, I mean she thinks about things. She asks questions and wants to figure stuff out.

7 years ago I had no idea how my life was about to change - you never do, right? And today I'm not going to think about my regrets - what I should have done when she was this or that. That doesn't do her any good. Today I'm going to celebrate her, treat her like the gift she is, and make sure she knows who loves her. Thank you, God, for Sophia.

(Who, by the way, has decided she prefers "Sophie.") J

Monday's Mom Moment

I want to start a regular Monday post called Monday's Mom Moment. Over the course of the week I'll record those special moments, like when your daughter tells your in-laws that though the baby is very capable of lifting his legs high into the sky while laying on his back, when Mommy tried it she could only get her feet "like an inch off the ground." Thanks, Soph. :)

I'm posting this week's today because yesterday was a snowday. And also because I don't want to wait a week and then forget. :) Let's seize the moment, shall we?

So I guess today we get two, because I want to share another Sophie moment from this week. We love the show Modern Family, and we watch it with our kids. Sometimes, if the topic is too much for them, we'll save it for when they are in bed; but frequently it's fine. So we were watching last weeks together and at one point Clare turns to me with a big grin and kindof a laugh and goes, "She has two dads!"

Yep. Yes, she does.

"Yep. Some people have two dads," I say measuring my words.

Sophie pipes up, "Some people have three!"

"No. No, I don't think people usually have three dads, Sophie."

She lost no time in arguing with me. "Yes, Mom. They do." And she pointed up. "Their Father in Heaven! That makes three."

Have a great week. And as Sophie would say, don't forget about your other dad.

Faith Like a Child

Sophie is so great right now, asking more questions about the world and really listening when we attempt to answer her. This is much different from previous conversations that would go like this:

Sophie – “There was an earthquake there?!”

Us – “Yep. Do you know what an earthquake is?”

Sophie – “Yeah.”

Us – “Really? Where did you learn that?”

Sophie – “I just know it.”

Cool.

But these days, it’s different. She wants to know and her questions are great. What kinds of clouds are those? Where does the sun go? Where does Jesus live?

[For the record, Clare has been asking the questions we are trying to avoid. I believe it was in the middle of the Good Friday service when she loudly asked, “How did the baby get in your tummy?!”]

Today I got a big Atlas for Kids for Sophia and she was thrilled (much to my relief). This evening she looked thru it and was testing what she already knows about the world with what she found in the book. Tonight we were looking at Europe and there is a picture of a Fjord in Norway. The caption explains what a fjord is, and how they were formed from icebergs. I explained that icebergs were enormous and when God was making the world they helped to form the land. Sophia’s first question is about whether the iceberg would have run into a house that God had built for the people. J I love how her questions so frequently are set in the context of what God has done, or is doing in the world. She wants to know if God told Kings and Queens that they could have that job, and how God can possibly listen to all the prayers of everyone at the same time. After an explanation about how our solar system works (a model including Mimi, some beach balls, and an entertaining dance of the planets), she wants to know where God lives in respect to all that. Her faith is real and the context of her world is Jesus. Everything is set within the notion of an all-powerful, loving, and omnipresent God.

If only all of my thoughts and questions were set in the same context. Instead of wondering how we are going to pay the bills, I would wonder at how God will provide for us to pay our bills. Instead of wondering how _____ could possibly say something so rude, I might pray to God for understanding (for me) and less stress (for them). Instead of worrying about the stupidity of our politicians, I might instead be seeking out the good that people in our country are a part of, and how I might add to it.

“Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them. Mark 10:13-16

Lord, give me faith like a child. And preserve it in my girls.

Amen.

Birthday Preparations

Sophia's birthday is next week. She is having a little party with just a few friends. Click here to see the original invitations she made. :)

Sophie's Nativity

Tonight we got a good start on Christmas deco. We found a spot for the tree and put it together - no ornaments yet. Since they weren't going to get to decorate the tree tonight and I had 2 very excited little girls (or at least one very excited little girl and another one along for the ride), I pulled out the nativity knowing it wouldn't take hours. Bedtime was quickly approaching. Maybe we should put the nativity up first every year, so we can keep an eye on what this is all about.

Clare hasn't really grasped all of this yet - I mean, even Santa Clause. She seems a bit hesistant to believe there is a guy that comes to our house and leaves us presents. But she isn't opposed to it. You can tell she likes what she sees, and hears from Soph.

Sophie, on the other hand, is all about it. So I shouldn't have been surprised when I went off to do something else, and she comes to find me to tell me that I need to come see what she did with the nativity. "Mom, mom, mom, mom! You're going to LOVE this. Come see, come see!!"

Well, as silly as it seems to have her snowman snowglobe looking on at the true Christmas gift, who says mr. snowman shouldn't enjoy a first row seat too? Is it really any more ridiculous than having the wise men there in the barn with them? :) I'll bet Jesus loves what she's done with it.

Celebrating Fall and Being 5

For your viewing pleasure, here's my girl.

You can live vicariously through her for the next few minutes if you'd like! :)

This was fun. Just me and Sophie - harder to do these days. She had fun and so did I. Love it.

School

Sophie is officially a Kindergartener. It’s the beginning of week 3 and things seem to be going well. The first day, she came out grinning and when I asked her what her favorite part was she said, “Um… I think.. All of It!” Since then her fondness has occasionally waned, as it does for all of us when it comes to school.

But overall it’s good. The other day she was very excited because they “exploded” something at school and she thought it was the coolest thing she had ever seen. It’s so fun to see her enthusiasm and how seriously she takes all of it. She’s very aware of Clifford’s doghouse – a bulletin board on which all of the students have a dog house. If they get in trouble they get a pushpin in it. The first week she was somewhat shocked by how many other children were getting pushpins J and announced on Thursday that she would “never get a pushpin” in her doghouse. She can recite perfectly to me the directions that she is to follow to correctly line up in the hall – “be quiet, hands behind your back, look at the hair on the back of the person in front of you” – and is proud to tell us she frequently gets stickers for her appropriate behavior. Oh my.

We’re all adjusting. She seems to be fascinated that she goes to school 5 days and is off for 2. I didn’t know if she would be annoyed that she was going to school everyday, but so far it hasn’t been an issue. Actually, on day 2 she decided she liked “getting up and going to school everyday.” She must be thriving on the structure. Her Daddy is keeping his enthusiasm high every night asking about her day and doing homework with her. He’s so good at getting her excited about all of it. Clare is pretty happy to have me all to herself, though she misses Sophie and it’s clear when Soph comes home how much they want to play together. Clare also would like to be going to school. The last few days when we drop of Sophia, Clare tells me she wants to “go to Sunday School too.” J

It’s all very strange – to have a school age child. I’m so glad she loves it. I want her to love learning and I pray our family can nurture that. I don't expect a perfect student or smiles everyday when it’s time to get up. But I long for her to grow up to be someone who searches for knowledge and a calling until she finds something she loves. It can’t hurt to start praying now.

Glasses

Bewildered? Dumbfounded? I’m sure these emotions were spelled out on my face as I listened to Sophie’s eye exam transpire.

On the way there she had told me about the glasses she would be picking out.

“They’ll be pink and have flowers… like Gracie’s. No wait, maybe they should be purple…” Her voice would trail off as she weighed the elements of this momentous decision.

“Sophie,” I said as we sped down the interstate on our way to the appointment, “you probably won’t need glasses, honey. I’m pretty sure you won’t.”

“Well, if I do, they will have a little flower over here on this part…”

I thought she was the one oblivious to reality, but it was me.

So here she is with her specs. Maybe we’ll have less headaches and tired eyes. So glad there’s a directive to have parents of kindergarteners to get their sight checked. Who knows how long it would have been before anyone figured it out.

Good thing she arrived having thought through what she wanted. :)

little girl; big girl

Yesterday when we got home from the store, I took the girls in – Clare was carried since she was tired and crabby – and then I came back out to get our things. I was surprised to hear the screen door bang again and my 5 year old skip out and ask, “Can I carry anything in for you?”

This may not sound headline-worthy, but it is. This is my 5 year old! Completely self-absorbed, world-revolves-around-me 5 year old! Don’t get me wrong. She is a sweet child; a reflective little girl who, when it is convenient for her, will show compassion. But she isn’t one to volunteer. I have to remind her everyday to bring in her coat/shoes/bag/etc when she gets out of the van and frequently she responds dramatically, “Mom! Uh, I don’t have any hands for that!! I have to carry my baby!”

But yesterday was different. And it wasn’t just at that moment. It was all day long. She played the part of the big sister, helping and encouraging Clare when she could, following directions within a reasonable amount of time, and being sensitive to the world around her.

It was weird.

Sophie has had her share of rough days over the past several weeks. My analysis is that the upcoming transition into kindergarten – an issue people seem to be bringing up ALL the time with her – is looming over her with all its excitement and intimidation. She enjoys being a ‘big girl’, but is afraid to leave the safe role she is familiar with of ‘little girl.’ And frankly, I want her to be a little girl as long as she can.

But I also want her to learn some responsibility, and the time is now. If it doesn’t really start now, giving her more I mean, then I will be missing a crucial window and I’ll end up with a bratty 11 year old and we’ll be kicking ourselves. It became apparent to me a couple months ago – that I had to start making her do some things for herself. Maybe that’s when her moodiness really escalated.

One day I was in the kitchen and she was lying on the couch watching TV and she called out with expectation, “PRETZELS!” This had become pretty frequent, I guess, but I thought to myself - Excuse me? Do I usually ‘obey’ this command? “If you want something Sophia, you can come in here, ask me politely, and I’ll give them to you.” She was not impressed with my new approach. Since then she has been expected to do all sorts of things including putting her dirty dishes up, picking up her clothes, putting them away!, getting her own juice, and cleaning her room. Not to mention using complete and polite sentences instead of barking out phrases and commands. I don’t know what was happening before, but it’s been somewhat of a shock to the system I guess.

Yesterday when she willingly offered her help – politely and cheerfully – it was somewhat of a shock to my system. It isn’t the first time she’s been polite; she is starting to figure out what is expected of her. But this is pretty measurable evidence that she is “getting it.” I’m not saying she’s been reformed. I’m not saying today will be anything like yesterday. But I’m feeling like we’ve made a bit of progress. And as much as I want my little girl to stay little, I’m proud of the big girl she’s becoming. ~sniff~

Rules

First-borns are notorious for being rule-followers. I admit that in some areas I am obsessive about this. That’s why I’m an English teacher. On the other hand, I think I’m more laid back than many and I’m glad. My oldest is showing signs of loving rules, so the other day I tried to introduce her to the idea that some rules are just not that important.

We frequently pass by a farmhouse up the road from where we live. And by frequent, I mean just about every time we go anywhere. Back in the fall we were driving by and I noticed their Halloween decorations and pointed them out to Sophia. She was impressed. It was festive and Sophia loves to be festive.

Well, the decorations have not moved since and Sophia cannot help but point this out regularly. (Warning, my daughter liberally uses the word ‘hate.’ Don’t hold it against her; we’re working on it.)

Yesterday she says, “I hate that house. They need to take that stuff down. That witch is ugly. It’s WEIRD.” (another favorite word of hers if she doesn’t like something.)

“It’s not that big of a deal, Soph. They probably just keep forgetting. Don’t let it bother you.”

She was very insistent on this, though.

“They should NOT have that up anymore! Halloween is years ago. It’s summer, Mom!”

“Sophie, it’s not your house. What do you care? People can do whatever they want with their houses! What if they drove by and said ‘You should not have a swing in your yard, because we don’t like it!’

“That’s illegal. Of course I can have a swing in my yard! Mom! That decoration should not be there!”

“Sophie, people can have whatever they want on their porches. It isn’t your deal. Don’t worry so much about the rules! Sometimes it’s fun to do your own thing!”

“That’s wrong. I hate it. They need to change it.”

Oh my.

This is somewhat amusing. (illegal?!) But scary too! I really try to be aware of daily conversation that is so judgmental and black and white like this. I try to avoid it or snuff it out when it rises up. She can be so harsh! And I’m sure I can be as well. I pray to God, this passionate anger about nothing that really matters... goes away. Yikes. Literally, I’m going to pray about it and actively work on this. For both of us.

[Btw, don’t hold this against her when she’s older, or bring it up when she’s 12 and says something is ‘wrong.’ Yea, I’m talking to you, family members. It won’t be funny. She’s 5. Give her a break. :)]