Because The People You Love Are Not One-Size-Fits-All

Every night when I tuck the girls in, Clare gets a kiss on the lips and Sophie gets a kiss on the forehead. 

If I didn’t go through with this ritual, Clare would probably say something. She has gone out of her way to make sure it happens, so if I avoided it for some reason, I think she would probably call me out on it. If I didn’t go through the ritual with Sophie, I doubt she would say anything. But I can tell she values it as a part of the routine and would miss it if it were gone. 

Different kids need different things. 

Different kids respond differently too. Just because one expresses the way they feel about something, and one does not.. does not mean only one of them has an opinion. 

Sounds sensible, right?

But is it how we are treating the people around us? One size fits all is an easy approach, but I know for a fact it doesn’t work for my kiddos. 

Or my friends. Or my community.

My girls have different preferences in clothing. And food. And television shows. And free time. 

One processes things out loud with wit and clever conversation. 

The other internally considers her options and comes to conclusions without interaction.

One size does NOT fit all when it comes to their clothes or personalities or how they approach conflict. This goes for our neighbors too. It goes for all the people we are commanded to love in our lives. Your spouse. Your son. Your daughter. Best friends. Peers. Co-workers. Even your enemies. 

People are wired different. 

And so we have to approach them with compassion and patience and grace. 

When Clare wants to talk, she sits down and says “Mom, we need to talk.”

When Sophie wants to talk she just sits down in the vicinity… or starts lurking around waiting for whatever seems to be the appropriate time. If I wait for her to say, “Mom, we need to talk,” I might as well forget about it. 

Let’s remember that loving our neighbor means meeting people where they are. And bringing lots of grace and love along, no matter where we meet.

***********REALITY CHECK***************************

Hold up, hold up, hold up, people. Wait, wait.

Let’s be clear about something:

THIS IS REALLY TERRIBLY TOUGH. It’s serious. It’s heavy. Arduous. Toilsome. Burdensome! Backbreaking! I went to the thesaurus and looked up a bunch of words but mostly I just want to say this is SOOO HARD.

This thing where we really consider what others need, instead of just checking them off our to-do list…. it’s like one of the most unselfish things we can do.

Somedays it feels mostly impossible.

We are so prone to the-world-revolves-around-me. We are all about our OWN perspective and how MY way of doing things is… well, IS the best way. (bold) Not only that, but some people make it REALLY REALLY HARD to love them! They are SOOO difficult and cranky and just WEIRD and they don’t make any sense to us. Why do they have to BE that way? I’m so done with them. I’m not even going there.

I know.

I very much know.

When I was thinking about my girls the other day, though… I was thinking about how for them - how I love them so much and even though they are SUCH a challenge some days - I want to personalize my love for them. I want to seek out the best way for each of them so we can find a way to get along and I can maybe start to have a clue when Clare is losing it about how much she can’t stand her brother, and maybe I could head her off at the pass and meet her where she is so we can get that thing back on the road.

And then I got to thinking that I would love to be able to do that with my husband and my close friends and maybe even people I’m not super close with, but with whom I have to interact with regularly.

And that’s when I realized all of this is about love and grace and forgiveness and not looking inside at how I want things to be, but looking outside and figuring out where people are.

That if I care… if I value that relationship… that’s what I’m going to have to do sometimes. Or maybe all the time.

This is really the opposite of what our culture says. 

"If you don’t like this speed, you won’t like my other one.” 

"Accept me as I am, or out to the curb with you.” 

But God says My ways are not your ways. So if you want to keep that relationship around - if you want to cultivate that relationship - if you treasure it - you are going to have to treat it special. You’ll have to put something extra into it. 

Different people have different needs.

When we acknowledge that fact, it can make a difference in a relationship.

May nothing less than the audacity of the Holy Spirit empower us to love our neighbors.

Semantics: Using My Words for Good

I love words.  I love how useful they are and how sometimes I can use them to get my way.  Hehehehe-maniacal-laugh!

Just kidding.

Words are pretty useful.  They can be tricky and powerful and sometimes downright scary.  Today I realized that with just the twist of a phrase, I can go from sounding like a kind, compassionate person to sounding like a total jerk.

Picture it:  You and some friends are standing in the parking lot after school chatting for a few minutes before taking your kids home.  One of the women recently twisted her ankle while taking her kids for a walk, so she stands there with the aid of the crutches she pulled out of the attic.  Someone walks up and says, "Hey, What did you do to your ankle?!"  

photo credit: Graham Ballantyne via photopin cc

Oh, yes, a familiar scene.  And usually the "victim" feels like she has to explain herself, accounting for whatever clumsiness exists in her gene-pool.  There is an embarrassment factor here that exists and it's unfortunate.  Don't we feel dumb often enough already?

I'm not trying to be Sensitive-Sally here.  I don't want you to start over-analyzing everything people say to you.  Most of the things we say are meant as harmless attempts to communicate.  On the other hand, I am a fan of using our words for good.  So what if we twisted this question just a little?  What if instead, the newcomer walks up and says, "What happened to your ankle?"
Not "What did YOU do to your ankle..."
Just - "What happened?"

This morning at work my dad and I were moving gates around, and all the sudden he was holding his thumb and making that "Oh crap" face.  So I said, "What did you do to your thumb?"  There was a tone that came out with that question indicating maybe somehow he could have avoided this injury.  Like I might as well have added, "...Loser."  But at the time, I didn't even know what had happened.  So why does my question come out implicating him in the misfortune?

What tone do I set when I talk to my kids and my husband?  Do I hand-out guilt when I talk to people about their hardships?

It's probably easier for all of us when we feel that there is someone to blame when bad things happen.  I think we have a tendency to want to find a very direct reason for mishaps - big ones and little ones.  But often times things just happen and we can't explain it and it's not necessary to make someone feel that their current circumstances were avoidable if they had just ________.

I gave up guilt for Lent.  It was great.  Turns out God is not interested in me carrying around and wallowing in the guilt that he already paid for.  Treating myself with more compassion and kindness has been nice.  Thinking maybe I'll be more intentional about speaking to others with compassion too.  'Cause words can be pretty powerful.  And I'd like to use them for good.  Want to join me?

Real-Life Friendship

Sometimes as women, we find ourselves trying to define the kind of friendships with have.

“We are really close.”  

“She is a great encouragement to me.”  

“One of my best friends…”

photo credit: San Diego Shooter via photopin cc

Have you ever found yourself having to defend that relationship to someone? It can be a challenge. Trying to put measurement and value on the aspects of your relationship that are good, can feel futile.

 

“I know she has her problems, but she is a good friend.”  

“I know you guys don’t get along, but we’ve never had much conflict.”

“I know…”

Not sure that we really know what we are talking about in these conversations.  We would LIKE to know.  We tend to be more comfortable when we can define things.  

It makes it easier to apply value,

to defend worth,

and to justify time spent.  

But I’ve learned that doing that can diminish the actual treasure of a relationship.

God has called us to community.  He recognizes the blessing and advantage that our lives glean from a comfortable talk, a good laugh, and a real-life “I get it.”  We are helped by a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, and a warm hug.  

No one is perfect.  

No one is flawless.  

These things are offered by the least of these, to the least of these… and it is a gift from God.

The conflicts we survive: they strengthen our relationships.  

The pain we endure: can inspire others to persevere.  

The tears we cry: make us vulnerable to others so we can let them in… to see we are all human.  

I hate when a friend is hurting.  

I hate that we cannot escape the drama of real life, the baggage we carry with us, or the weakness of the human condition.  

But I’m learning that the people God has placed in our lives - very few of them are people we seek out.  Very few of them are friendships we chose.  

Those relationships choose us.  

And unless I have a clearly abusive relationship, I don’t have to EXPLAIN these friendships or acquaintances to anyone.  They are real.  They are the accumulation of friendly greetings at church or common interests found in small talk.  They are the collection of eyes meeting, of school aged children, of waiting for practice to end.  They are the sum of familiar stories, funny jokes, and common humor.  And they are ready and waiting when they need to be a comfortable place to land, a knowing groan, or a sympathetic ear.  

I’m going to stop trying to define and breakdown the relationships I have with people.  The usefulness of this is limited and confined to my narrow, faulty concept of the universe.  

Instead I’m going to recognize the immeasurable wealth that comes from my friendships.  

Lifetime or recent.  

Work related or family.  

Mature or uncultivated.

 

They serve a purpose.  My life is enriched.  

For this I praise God.

You Want Me to Do WHAT With My Feelings?

My young niece and nephew were here for a short visit while their parents were out of town.  

“I asked Isaac if he misses his mom and dad,” my mom said as we got dinner ready that night. (Isaac is 3.)

“Why do you ask him things like that?  You’re just going to upset him!” I responded exasperated.

“I think it’s important to talk to kids about how they feel!” she defended herself.  “We should have encouraged that more when you guys were little.  Maybe then as an adult, Isaac will understand that it’s ok to talk about feelings!”

Her triumphant reasoning hit me hard.  Talk about our feelings?  Don’t push them down deep inside?  Even when it’s uncomfortable?  Who is this woman?

This is not really how we were raised, but we’ve all learned a lot over the past 35 years.  As my mom’s family has grown older and her kids have started their own families, it has become clear that being honest about how we feel is maybe not a strength running through our blood.  

We have lots of funny stories about people in our family denying the reality of how they feel or how their sons or daughters feel.  My grandmother (mother of 9) was notoriously depressed.  Among the memories my aunts regularly share, it’s common knowledge that Grandma was in denial about her mental health for years.  

This fact made it all the more entertaining when I had a surprisingly frank discussion with one of my uncles last summer and he said, “I didn’t know Mom was depressed!”  

Does this sound familiar?  I’m interested in whether this is a regional, ethnic, or generational issue.  I wonder sometimes if it’s like this everywhere, or just in rural America among all the sheltered white people I live with.  The communities I live in generally seem to think everyone just needs to “get over” their bad day and move on.  They like to think that if you "shouldn’t" feel that way, then they don’t have to validate it.  There seems to be a lot of confusion when emotions rise to the surface.  

Why do we go about ignoring the emotions of those we love?  Ignoring our own feelings?

Here are 5 things I’m learning about all this:

1. Feelings are normal.  God made us this way.  If you feel jealous or angry or bitter or really excited about something - that’s fine.  Emotions come with the package.  God expects you to have them.

2. How you respond to your feelings is really the issue.  And ignoring your anger is just as much of a response as punching your hand through a window.  Pretending it doesn’t bother you when your sister says that one thing - is a response.  Letting your jealousy fester and boil inside you for months and months is just as dangerous as spreading gossip about that person you’re jealous of.  Eventually it’s all going to boil over and someone is going to be hurtin.’

3. There are healthy ways to deal with the way you feel.  There are unhealthy ways.  These things can have catastrophic effects on the people you love.  When you tell everyone how you feel all the time, you are going to make enemies.  When you don’t tell anyone how you feel ever, you will be a doormat.  Both of these things are not good.  Both of these things are damaging to relationships.  

4. Kids should be taught to verbalize what they are feeling to the people who love them and take care of them.  They should be encouraged to do it and taught that it is OK.  It’s about security.  It’s about reality.

5. We all need to respect each other’s feelings about things.  Do we need to agree?  No.  But it will do wonders for your relationship if you recognize and validate the way someone feels.  For those of you overbearing personalities (like mine), try this crazy idea: Don’t jump in to explain why they feel that way.  Don’t belittle their emotions and dismiss them because you think it’s so ridiculous.  Just make sure you understand.  Then make it clear that you understand.  Then leave it at that.  For at least a day.  See what happens.  It can be a crazy experiment you try this week.  Have fun. 
   
   
   
   
   What did I miss?  Am I off base here?  Is your community like this or is it just mine?  Enlighten me.  I’d like to know if I’m the only one struggling with this or not.  
   
   
   
   
   
   

Prayer: Whether You Like It Or Not

I could feel their prayers.  In my chest.  In my heart and my soul and my strength.  It filled me up.  

I was surprised. 

I shouldn’t have been.  I’ve been a believer in the power of prayer for a long time.  An advocate, a pray-er, one who seeks to seek Him.  

photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography via photopin cc

But there is a difference between believing and feeling.  There is a difference in being on the sending end and being on the receiving end. 

I was receiving. 

We had been under a lot of stress.  People knew that it was a moment that could pull people apart, or bring people together.  So they were praying.  And we could tell.  We saw the power of the Holy Spirit work in people at that meeting.  We could feel the movement of the angels and the defeat of Fear.  It was powerful. 

So when I felt the ground slipping out from under me a few weeks later, I knew I had to ask.  

It didn’t matter that I was vulnerable.  It didn’t matter that I was hurting.  

I would be directly disobeying my Savior if I didn’t ask.  I had been moved too much then, to ignore it now. 

So I asked. 

And the friends I asked were more than willing.  They were ready with loving words, a hand if I wanted it, and a quiet prayer when I couldn’t look them in the eye.  

They were ready. 

Somedays we feel like we aren’t ready for that job.  

“That’s not really my gift, Lord.  I’m more of the speaking type.  I’m more of the take-a-meal type.  Prayer isn’t really my strength.”

But then our friends need us.  And we have no choice but to step up, because love draws us in.  Love moves our hearts to pray.  Love yearns for answers for the people we care for so deeply.  Love begs for solutions and healing.  And as the crisis passes, we find ourselves better.  Better off for having been on our knees for someone else.  Better at asking.  Better at listening.  Better off.

O Lord, I call upon you; hasten to me!

Give ear to my voice when I call to you!

Let my prayer be counted as incense before you,

and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice!  

Psalm 141:1-2

Today before we left, my friend said, matter of fact, “We’re going to pray now.”  It caught me off guard.  I knew we had covered some deep stuff, but... I just didn’t expect it.  So we did.  The prayer covered us with the love of friends who speak honestly to God about frustration and need.  Who pray desperately for answers for ourselves and those who are hurting.  She prayed over us with the loving words of a sister-in-Christ.  And when she prayed for God’s arms to wrap around us, we could feel the arms of each other holding us close.   

Has the act of praying for someone else, been a blessing to you?
How do we become more persistent pray-ers?

Don't Be A Jerk

I’ve been scouring the internet trying to soak up useful information for writers. 

I have found at least a handful of forums where you can share your writing and get feedback from other writers.  When I read thru the rules and conduct, there is usually something about giving and receiving feedback.  After the part where they say ‘don’t be a jerk,’ most of them point out that this is a two-way-street.  If you want constructive criticism and feedback, you have to be willing to spend time giving your two-cents as well.  Very few writers will donate opinions and offer up suggestions, unless you have indicated that you can do the same.  It makes sense.  I scratch your back, you scratch mine.

It occurred to me today that this applies in all areas of life.  You can’t expect people to be showering your Facebook account with nice little messages and liking your status if you stick to stalking people and rarely comment on anything.  We can’t expect our friends to be real with us if we aren’t real with them.  I can’t expect my husband to lovingly wrap his arms around me when he comes home from work if I’ve been too busy to smile at him for the last 3 days.

I’m not talking about idealism.  I’m talking about real life.  I’m talking about reality and reasonable expectations of others.  It takes hard work to build up relationships that will pay dividends.  Listening and encouraging and taking a couple of minutes out of a busy day.  Being considerate, remembering a prayer request.  Realizing that I’m not the center of the universe and my problems are not the only game in town right now. 

It was a good reminder for me today when I put 2 and 2 together.  Despite my previous life as an English teacher, I’m hesitant to offer my thoughts on a stranger’s writing.  My insecurities are an issue I have to get over.  But probably it has as much or more to do with my selfish tendencies.  I’d much rather work on my own stuff.  I’d much rather talk about myself.  I’d much rather dwell on ME.

The truth is we are human.  We all want something for nothing, at least every once in a while.  Today I’m going to pray that that I can be a better listener, and more aware of my fellow human beings (especially the one I sleep next to).  I’m going to pray for reasonable expectations.  And then I’m going to join a writer’s forum and see if I can be of use to someone like me.  It just makes sense.