10 Steps When You Feel Like A Loser

#1. Think of someone else who is more of a loser.

Just kidding!!!!
Don't do that. Stop doing that!

Ok, seriously...

#1. Scrounge around and find something cool about your life. Think of a win. You’ve got ‘em. List through a couple.

My kids have personality.
I have awesome friends.
I occasionally say useful things.
I love my husband.
I'm glad I don't think I'm perfect.

#2. Pray thankfulness for those things. Even if it's begrudgingly. Just do it. 

#3. Confess in prayer that you feel like a loser. For some reason that always helps me a little. 

#4. Acknowledge that in reality, God has a reason for you. A special way you can honor Him with the job He has given YOU. 

mom, dad, spouse, daughter, employee, friend, whatever...

Today there is a job for you to do. (It doesn't require a 5-year-plan.)

#5. Ponder that truth. God wants you AND you have purpose! 2 for 1! 

#6. [If instead of happy fuzzy feelings, that truth brings bitterness and anger, talk to God about that pronto. He yearns for us to honestly bear our souls to Him instead of pretending. He already knows when we are angry. But he would rather hear it from us.]

#7. Back to the job you've been given today. Pray God will give you the strength to do that job. That He will provide you with the words or energy or attitude or all of the above. It might be making dinner or getting out of bed or caring for a dying parent. 

Lord, Help me do this. 

#8. Praying God will strengthen you, and TRUSTING that He really will, are two different things. But don't worry about it. He's got this whether you "believe" He can or not. Pray for His power to work in you, through this situation, right in front of you, right now. He can do it.

#9. Keep praying. Pray for your heart to lean on Him. 

Pray thanks HE is ALL things FOR us. Holding us up. Getting us through the biggest challenges and the littlest tough moments. 

#10. Say Amen. 

Hold your head up high. Walk in the confidence of Christ. He's got this. 

[BONUS!] #11. Tell Satan to bug off. You are a child of God and he can't have you!

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 4:4-7

Pin this post so you can come back to it when you are having a crummy day!

What to you do when you're feeling like a loser? I confess prayer isn't always my first thing, but I'm working on it! 

Finding God Right Next to Me

As my summer kicks off, I realize I am not the same person I was a year ago. Sure the basic stuff has stayed the same - I love dark chocolate and writing (put them together and I’m in heaven); my house is almost always on the verge of total disaster-zone; and my fashion sense is non-existent.  My life probably looks the same too.  Raising amazing kids, married to my hard-working sensitive husband, and working part-time on my dad’s farm.

But the way I see things is very different, and it has everything to do with this phrase:

When we are at the edge of ourselves, God shows up.

photo credit: Aaron D. Feen via photopin cc

Last week I was privileged to attend my first writing conference, the Write To Publish Conference in Wheaton, IL.  Christian writers, editors, and publishers from all walks of life gathered together to share, encourage, and enlighten.  Evenings were graced with joyful messages from Pam and Bill Farrel - authors and speakers who have over 3 decades of marriage and over 2 decades of ministry and publishing experiences to inform their ministry.  (Check out their books on relationship!)  They are a hoot to listen to and definitely gave me a few things to think about.  

When Pam said “When we are at the edge of ourselves, God shows up,” my heart and soul burst with agreement.  The last few years have really driven this home for me.  I’ve faced some painful moments, and the less of myself I could count on… the more of Christ I was forced to lean on.  

When we are at the edge of ourselves, God shows up. 

Actually He’s always been there.  He’s so consistent and perfectly faithful to His children.  His love never fails.  There is no doubt He is right alongside us.  

But when we are at the edge of ourselves, looking out over the brink (our own strengths and confidence like gravel under our feet), our eyes darting desperately seeking the help of something greater than ourselves….  We find Him. 

When we are at the edge of ourselves, God shows up.  We couldn’t see him before, because we were in the way.  

Like a blurred photograph, out of focus because of our rush.

Like a dirty, streaked window covered with fingerprints and lipstick kisses, puddle splashes from recklessly speeding away.

Lost in a crowd of ourselves, our multiple personalities and vocational positions filling up the room, the sound of our ego deafening. 

One by one our important endeavors, fancy skills, and self-declared strengths can’t finish the job.  Misfortune is too shocking.  Mistakes too frustrating.  Messes too overwhelming.  

We are at the edge of ourselves.  Nothing left to solve our problems or get us out of these too-often self-imposed disasters.  

Then we are forced to look up.  We are forced to look outside of ourselves and see the One who has faithfully been waiting for the prayer, “God, help me.”   

Whatever it is inside us that the Holy Spirit can work with, He moves the heart to turn.  He brings into focus the mighty God who loves us and whose strong arms will hold us when we feel like we’re falling.  

And God shows up. 

A year ago I was not so willing to look outside of myself.  I didn’t know what it was to desperately seek the eyes of God.  I’d yet to experience truly frantic need.  

Since then I’ve seen God up-close and I’m much happier leaning on His strength than mine.  I’ve experienced the Peace that He offers, that makes no sense other than the rationale of His promises.  Furthermore, I know I will fail to be consistent and strong.  But I know He will always show up when I turn to Him and admit there’s too much of me and not enough of Him.  

When we are at the edge of ourselves, God shows up. Thanks, Pam, for that reminder.  

Have you experienced this desperate edge? Have you experienced the peace that makes no sense? Leave a comment, and encourage someone else with your story.

God Has Jealousy Issues

This morning God and I talked about our jealousy issues. 
How we both have them. 

"The Lord is a jealous and avenging God." Nahum 1:2

Obviously His jealousy is justified and most of the time mine isn't. 

But He reminded me of how amazing it feels when I make a connection with a sister or brother in Christ, and He made it clear that He loves those moments. 
He's included in those moments. 
And He yearns for them like I do. 

Which is why He gets jealous and annoyed when I go off looking for satisfaction in other things.

Well, that makes perfect sense, Father! - is what I said. I love that rush and that's why I love speaking. Making connections with women about God's Truth? Best thing ever. I think I'll keep pursuing that. 

I feel like He smiled then. 

Courtesy the refreshment and inspiration I'm swimming in at Write To Publish Conference in Wheaton, IL.  

So grateful to be here.  

Life Is Messy and Chaotic. For Everyone. I Promise.

Life is messy and chaotic.  For everyone. 

I didn’t know.  So many women appear to have it together.  Even today I sometimes get caught up thinking how clearly perfect someone else’s life must be.  There she is, with her well-dressed kids and her PTL officer face on, and her high dollar purse.  Clearly she is organized and efficient.  Obviously she fed her kids before this meeting.  No question she got a kiss from her husband before she left.  Her bills are paid, her house is clean, and she loves her job.  Grumble, grumble.  I sit down and feel tiny and flawed.

TIME OUT! A few years ago Jill Savage put it quite nicely.  “Don’t compare someone else’s outsides to your insides!”  This is Truth, Mama.  When we sit down and start being authentic with each other, we find out everyone has their issues.  Everyone has a chaotic, mess somewhere in their life they are dealing with (or currently choosing to ignore).  

It wasn’t until after a community of women opened up and were authentic with me, that I learned these things.  It wasn’t until after I had spent plenty of time feeling alone and like I had to figure out my messes all by myself.  It wasn’t until after I was pretty sure I had won the annual title of Stressed-Out-Mom-Failure of the Year, that I began to learn: I am not the only one. 

Here’s a tip: It’s ok to need other people and community.  We don’t have to do this alone.  Scripture highly recommends we avoid going-it solo.  

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up.  But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  Also if two lie down together, they will keep warm.  But how can one keep warm alone?  Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I have a really good friend who, when I am really frustrated with a wrong turn or a plan gone bad - she will remind me, “Hey.  It's the devil." 

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  

When the devil is breathing down your neck, telling you you are a failure

or that you will never get out of the hole you've dug

or that your marriage is doomed.... You need a friend who can say to you - Hey. That's the devil talking.  Let's see what Jesus says about that.  

Instead of worrying so much about how impossible it is to be vulnerable with others, take a risk and consider all that you can gain from authenticity.  If you are feeling strong today, girl, lift someone else up.  If you have fallen down, ask for a hand.  Two is so much better than one.  

Free Printable for One-on-One Jesus Time!

Trying something new!

A daily devotional printable  - explained in today's post, More Than One Way to Do Jesus Time.

I hope it can inspire you!!

Here is what it looks like.

Not sure why the letter "i" isn't showing up in this picture.  It's fine in the pdf!  Promise! ;)

Just click on THIS LINK and print!

I'd love to hear if you use this, what you think - or changes you make to personalize it for YOU!  Come back and tell me!

Feeling Good Devotion - Published!

Today I am thrilled to share the link to my devotion published on Christian Devotions! So privileged to get to share my trials and thoughts with a bigger audience today. Hoping it can be of use to readers!  So much to boast about in Christ!

Feeling Good - Angie Wagner

…let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me… Jeremiah 9:23

Gonna be a good day. I picked up the toothpaste. The image in the mirror boasted back at me: “Not a bad hair day. Rested. Nice to not be in too much of a hurry.”

My mind hopped around and settled on a struggle my friend had confessed to me................

.............. read the rest on on http://christiandevotions.us/feeling-good-angie-wagner/

And leave a comment there if you can relate!

Runaway Train

Let's make this a Favorite Friday.  This is one of my favorite posts and I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  I'm on a Runaway Train of sorts again, these days, so it seems appropriate to revisit the promises here.    Turns out it was almost exactly 3 years ago I wrote it.  


Runaway Train
August 12, 2010

I’m going to blame it on the hormones of my almost-9-month-pregnant body. As I’ve explained to a few friends, it’s EMOTIONx100. It’s Crazy on steroids. It’s actually not as bad as it could be.. which is frightening. Because I hate being out of control. (I think I’ve covered that on here. :) So when my emotions take on a life of their own, I’m extra frustrated with my lack of control on how I perceive the world.

photo credit: arbyreed via photopin cc

So lately my emotions are a Runaway Train... taking me to Worry-and-Anxiety way too often. I’ve been to visit Being-Annoyed-With-Everything frequently, and then the train dropped me off in House-Stress and I’ve been stuck there. Think old, Western, ghost town... I’m there alone. It’s abandoned and dirty. I try to escape, but it’s usually only after I’ve been wallowing in the mud for a while, so it’s really exhausting to leave. After sitting there in the mud for a while and being annoyed, I have started to remember that I can pray about this and it helps. So I have done that a bit, and I get close to leaving, and then I get distracted by the Baby-Store there and it starts all over again. 

The Baby-Store at House-Stress is not as much about all the cute baby things, as the scary baby things. Right now I’m trying to figure out where his clothes will go. I had it all figured out, and then it changed (another thing I get annoyed with), so new plan. New plan which will cost money. Oh, yeah, House-Stress is right next to Money-Dilemma-City, just a short jaunt that I take all the time. But Baby-Store reminds me of all the inconveniences that come with small house + new baby, and mostly trying to keep the house in order with a small child and how-is-that-going-to-happen?

Money-Dilemma-City has stores like Going/Back/to/Work, House~Taking~Longer, and Health!Insurance. I wander around these establishments picking up the various ideas that are showcased. I sit down with them and ponder them for far too long, and pretty soon I’m so distracted and delusional I don’t even know where I am, let alone how to get out. 

Then one day I decided husband needed to come to some of these places with me... because I was tired of traveling alone. Oh my, this was not a good idea. It turns out that I can stomach my own worries far better than I can deal with him being stressed about anything. Probably he needed to be exposed to my concerns – I’m not regretting that. But since I get stuck there, he does too. And I should have known better. There is nothing worse than traveling with a crabby husband. Or getting lost or stuck with one. I’d way rather be lost or stuck with a girlfriend. ;)

Ok. So let’s get out of this place. 

It’s a long road. The Runaway Train doesn’t take you back. It only takes you from settlement to horrible settlement. The only way back is walking. And the only one who knows the way, is my Jesus. He’s been sitting by- observing, being sad for how pathetic I am, waiting for me come to him for help. 

Finally I do. 

My morning dev has a verse: 

“Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.” Psalm 119:64

I walk over and sit down next to him on a dusty park bench. He is leaning against an enormous rock. (Don’t forget, this is the desert.) 

“You didn’t promise me a new house... did you?” I say slowly, knowing the answer to the question.

“Nope.”

“That’s not the promise...”

“Correct.”

“You didn’t promise me a clean house, either. Or enough money on one salary. Or affordable health insurance.”

“Wish I could have.” 

Sigh.

“So how do I get out of this place?! I’m so frustrated with where my brain is going. I’m so focused on all these crappy things that I don’t really want to be thinking about. I’m like trapped in being annoyed with all this stuff, but I want to be happy. I know there are good things, but there’s like this immense fog of worry that stands before me! What am I supposed to do?”

“It’s not about what you do. It’s about who you are.”

“Yuck. I’m horrible. I’m a mess and I’m mean. Yuck. I don’t like that answer.”

“No, you’re a new creation in Christ, remember? (2 Corinthians 5:17) You’re a child of God (John 1:12) and you have a job here... a few, actually. You are God’s building project, His handiwork, created in Christ to do His work” (Ephesians 2:10).

“Ok, good. That is sounding good. Keep going. I need a purpose other than worrying about all this stuff.”

“Well, first of all, you need to put away that old self… put to death the evil stuff like anger, and lies, and covetousness, and slander. And Daily, you need to do this. The sinful you that wants to come out and overtake who you are in Christ, will continue to do battle with this good stuff. But that’s not what you are now. You look like me now. So every day you put to death the old. And it is thru Faith that you can be sure that I will make you new. It’s not because you are so smart.”

“Right. Ok, yeah. So coveting and being angry and even being worried, probably. I need to give that to you.”

“Yes. And then you can dress yourself in who you really Are – God’s chosen one. Put on those clothes in the morning. Holy things like compassion, forgiveness, patience, contentment and love. This is what your life should be about. These are the things you want to focus on – cause I know you want to focus on something. My life was about love. Your life should be about love. It’s about other people. It’s not really about you as much as you want it to be. Act in love. Forgive constantly. Build a good marriage. Raise your children in my name. Figure out what you can do Today. Don’t worry so much about tomorrow. Take care of business, but take care of my business first.”

“I’m still going to struggle with all that other stuff.”

“Well, ye of little faith – have some faith. Yes, you will. But I’m right here. Give it to me. That’s what I took to the cross – all your shortcomings. All your sin. I took care of it. So let me take care of it daily, too. Trust me with it. I will drown it in the living water that I promised you.”

“There’s the promise.”

“Yep.”

“That I can always give it to you. That you will make me a new creation. That despite all this yucky stuff that I worry about, I can live a life about Love and Joy, and I can Celebrate, instead of mourn.”

He smiles.

I look off into the distance. A breeze blows the sand. I can see hazy, colorful mountains in the distance. I can feel the warm sun. It’s gorgeous. It’s not foggy. I half expect him to be gone when I look back – like in a movie. But He’s not. 

“I hope I don’t come back here.” I say. 

“I’ll meet you wherever you are.”

Comfort. In 2 Corinthians, Paul says 

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.”

It’s not about me. 

“Ok, I’m done here. I want to go home and live my life today and not worry so much. I want to focus on the good things. I want to be of use to you and my family.”

“Good. But it’s a long walk. I mean, I just want you know. It’s dusty and you will be tired. And you will frequently be distracted by the towns we walk past. But I’ll walk with you. Keep your eyes up ahead, on your girls and the baby and your job as a wife and mother. Keep it on your job as a friend and a child of God. You are joined forever to the Lord and you are one spirit with Him (1Corinthians 6:17).” 

I stand up. I look around. 

We are leaving tonight for a little family vacation. We are all looking forward to it. I want it to be relaxing. I don’t want it to be me unloading on Brad because I have him to myself for a few hours. I make a mental note of this, and start walking. ‘What can you do today?’ I have laundry that needs to be folded, packing that needs to be done, and a van to clean. I can be very thankful for all that has been provided for us and that we have scrounged up the cash for this little trip. Let’s focus on the girls’ excitement and the healthy family that will be taking this trip. 

And there it is again – 

Be joyful always; Pray continually; Give thanks in all circumstances; for it is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

I Thes 5:16-18

Do you have a favorite verse or promise that can bring you back from the desert?

I'm Not Sitting Alone

I’m sitting in a tough moment.  

Been there?

This current struggle does not happen and then go away.  It follows me everywhere.  Especially in quiet moments.  Whether I am lying in bed trying to go to sleep, or driving down the road with fewer children than normal (hence the silence), or sitting in the peace of the morning before my family wakes up.  I’m sitting in a tough moment in my marriage. 

Praise the Lord, I have been given some wise counsel.  I have a good book right now that I think is helping and a few friends I can lean on.  I have plenty of resources.  

And when someone suggests something or the book instructs a behavior that I am unsure of, I ponder it and weigh the possible outcomes. 

So there is a suggestion for me to ask my husband a question and I’m sitting here trying to decide if I should.  The question is: How have I hurt you?

I have lots of good reasons not to ask him this today.  I don’t want to bother him, or risk the day we have planned.  I don’t want him to have to think about me like that, when we both seem to be in a good mood and we are going to spend time with our kids.  I don’t want to stress him out.  

And let’s be honest.  I don’t want to him think about how I’ve hurt him. 

Are these good reasons not to ask?  The answer to this question is really something I need to know and we need to talk about.  I suspect Satan is disguising himself as a non-confrontational peace-maker here to keep me from doing what I need to do.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:37-39

The verse I’ve been leaning on the last few days solidly stands before me.  I meditate on it.  Why is this verse of so much comfort to me right now?

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Much more than conquerors, much more than just the winner of life over death.  Christ earned salvation for us, but there is even more!, as Paul writes in Romans 8.  The bottom line is not only did we win this incredible gift... but we also get all the extras (dive into Romans 8 to learn more).  

But the best extra - the most amazing part to me today - is that we get the love and companionship and attention of our God and Savior.  

I know that my God is sitting right next to me in this tough moment.  

I know that He won’t leave me and that he is encouraging me and patiently loving me.  

I know that He is leading me and when I ask Him for wisdom He will guide me.  

I know that He will forgive me for all the stupid things I will say in this tough time and He will cry with me when I’m frustrated.  

When I seek Him, He will answer.  When I pray, He will listen. 

I am so comforted by the faithfulness and devotion of my God.  “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

So thankful. 



Have you found peace in a storm because you could feel God’s presence?  

photo credit: jenny downing via photopin cc

Mom Love

I was going through my old posts and I found this one from near the beginning of this blog.  I had to repost it - it's just that good.  It's a version of I Corinthians 13, for Moms. It will make you happy and it seems appropriate for Mother's Day this weekend.  ( It's from Cindy Sigler Dagnan's book Who Got Peanut Butter on My Daily Planner?)

I can read bedtime stories till the cow jumps over the moon and sing "Ten Little Monkeys" until I want to call the doctor - but if I don't have love, I'm as annoying as a ringing phone.

I can chase a naked toddler through the house while cooking dinner and listening to voice mail, I can fix the best cookies and Kool-Aid in the neighborhood, and I can tell a sick child's temperature with one touch of my finger, but if I don't have love, I am nothing.

Love is patient while watching and praying by the front window when it's 30 minutes past curfew. Love is kind when my teen says, "I hate you!" It does not envy the neighbor's swimming pool or their brand-new minivan, but trusts the Lord to provide every need.

Love does not brag when other parents share their disappointments and insecurities and rejoices when other families succeed.

It doesn't boast, even when I've multitasked all day long and my husband can't do more than one thing at a time.

Love is not rude when my spouse innocently asks, "What have you done today?" It is not easily angered, even when my 15-year-old acts like the world revolves around her. It is not self-righteous when I remind my 17-year-old that he's going 83 in a 55-mph-zone, but rejoices in the truth.

Love trusts God to protect our children when we cannot. It perserveres through blue nail polish, burps and other bodily functions, rolled eyes, crossed arms, messy rooms and sleepovers.

Love never fails. But where there are memories of thousands of diaper changes and painful labors, they will fade away. Where there is talking back, it will (eventually) cease. (Please Lord?) But when we get to heaven, our imperfect parenting will disappear. (Thank you, God!)

When we were children, we needed a parent to love and protect us. Now that we're parents ourselves, we have a heavenly Father who adores, shelters and holds us when we need to cry.

And now these three remain; faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.


Happy Mothers Day.  (Hey, just had a thought.  Shouldn't moms get like a whole week instead of a single day?  :)  Think about it.  

Not Insignificant

Mmmmmm, a good thunderstorm. A quiet house. A quiet NEW house! I sit here at my kitchen table watching the rain blow closer... pretty much just as I imagined it might look from this spot.

I love the light in my home. The windows fill up these rooms with light, whether I ask them to or not. We have a perfect view of the new corn, growing faster than we can believe. And of the sky expanse that surrounds us. Surely the view of this sky will inspire my children to dream. It has me.

From this kitchen table I feel like nothing is impossible.

Different Kids, Same Mom

A couple of weeks ago I was really struggling with my oldest.  While we have a lot in common, she is still very different from me.  She communicates a lot like her dad – a code I’ve still not cracked.  It’s much easier for me to plow through things with Clare.  Somehow it seems like when the dust settles, we are on the same team.  Not the case with me and Soph.

Bogged Down

We sure can get bogged down easily, can’t we?  I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that feels this way.  My house is such a mess today, but I really want to spend time with my kids.  But I also have some work that HAS to get done.  Yet, I feel so pulled to get back into the habit of blogging.  Ahhhh!

I am in awe of those who have time management all figured out.  I need to take a class.  I think the rules are somewhat different for moms with 18 month old sons, but I know you are out there getting’ er done with small ones in tow.  But do you get it all done? 

Choices

Life is full of choices.

Who will you marry?  What job will you take?  How many kids will you have?

And sometimes life seems like it throws things at us and we had no choice.

I wanted more kids, but we couldn’t get pregnant.  I can’t find a job – there are none here close to home.  My house fell down and now it seems we have to build a new one. 

 :)

But really even at these moments, we make choices that are our decision.  We could have brought in a double-wide.  Would that have been a good choice considering my husband is a contractor and builds houses?  Probably not.  Would it have been a lot less money and less hassle?  More than likely.

It’s easy to see this with some things, not as easy with others.  Sometimes we go ahead and get pregnant, even when maybe it’s not the most ideal of circumstances.  Sometimes we don’t return the phone call an extra day, and now that job is unavailable.  Sometimes we are married to someone who just doesn’t have the same plan we do.  

Life isn't fair.  And life is not this cut and dry, really, either.  None of these decisions or situations are really as black and white as we might want to make them, or as we wish they could be.  Some of our children think that mommies have babies because they prayed to Jesus and asked him for one.  If only it was that simple.  Some of our husbands think that we are home all day and so the clothes should all be put away.  Again – not quite that simple. 

Either way, we have to admit the law of cause and effect is alive and well.  When our choices have led us to this moment, we have to work with it.  I want to be working at the new house.  In my mind, this “needs” to be done.  Thankfully I have a lot of family to turn to.  But I didn’t ask my mom or Aunt Kathy it was ok with them that I had a third kid or that we were going to build a house “on our own” (which really means with the help of those who love us).  I didn’t check with them first.  So if they can’t watch my kids, it’s not their fault.  The choices I have made have led here to this moment. 

It’s not that no one wants to help me.  It’s not personal.  It’s my problem.  I have to make choices because I have this set of responsibilities in my life right now.  I might not be able to go shopping with my friends or scrapbooking of an evening, because I’ve used up all my babysitters and I can’t afford to hire someone.  I might not be able to make my dr. appointments when I want or go get groceries when I want, because I don’t have help at those times.  I’m learning that the list of things that “need” to be done is a little different than I might like it to be.  

As we get closer to moving into our house, and running out of money :) , I find myself wondering how we are going to pay for all of the things I undoubtedly will “need.”  Closet shelving, curtains, fireplace mantle and surround, front porch finishing, lighting on the front of the garage.  Yes, these were originally part of the budget, but they have been pushed off the list as other things encroached and now I’m faced with some choices:  Can I have everyone over to my house with an unfinished fireplace?  

I’ve decided to embrace my situation.  We won’t have enough money for me to have things the way I want within the next 6 months.  I’m going to be proud instead of embarrassed.  We have made the choice for me to stay home and take care of our family.  Result: We don’t have enough money to make our house exactly how we want.  I’m hoping I can be ok with this.  We aren’t going anywhere.  Those details will still be there when Edwin is school age.  I can address them then.  

I was raised in a society that likes to blame others.  I do that.  But I was raised by parents who taught me my life is my problem.  And as I get older I recognize that more, I guess.  As I get older it’s a little easier to see the big picture.  What I think I “need” to have or to do today, is probably not as pressing as I think it is.  I have choices.  

And one of them is calling my name right now.  :)

Not a Battle

Plenty of to-do list surrounding me, but a few minutes of pause are available to me, so I will take them. Who knows how long I have before the battle begins again?

Wait. Let’s not call it a battle. I’ve had a couple of good reminders this morning about how great my job is. And it’s not that I don’t like my job. I do like it. When I run into people from my life as a teacher, and they say “How are you?! We miss you! Do you miss it?” I pause. I DO miss those people. I have missed teaching. But I am so entrenched in my SAHM life now - in a good way - that it’s like thinking back to another lifetime. Life is so different today.

And is it a battle? A battle with time, for sure. I struggle against the minutes that rush by. Only 22 minutes until we have to leave for school. Only 47 minutes till bedtime and we just sat down to eat. Only 8 days till the birthday party. Only 3 weeks till VBS starts. Only a couple months before he won’t fit into this anymore. Only a few years to impart all I can to my oldest.

And on the flip side of that, we “can’t wait” till that day comes. Hopefully the house will be done in the next 5 months. (Been saying that for years now J.) Looking forward to seeing you when we come up for vacation in July. Can’t wait to meet your baby – are you STILL pregnant? or When Daddy gets home, then maybe we can go to the park.

It’s a battle with time, no doubt. But I’d like to think of daily life a little differently. Not a battle. While my house does look like a WAR ZONE, it shouldn’t be a battle. Then what should I call it? I could liken it to a school: trying to teach my kids how to love, how to have compassion, how to clean their room. I might relate it to a game: attempting to stay one step ahead of my kids, strategizing my every move, and quickly – but carefully- choosing my next words so I can..what? Win? Well, sortof.

Really it’s just Life – in the fullest sense of the word. There is no one so full of life as a 4 year-old. There is no one who can remind you of the miracle of life, like a baby in your arms. There is no one who looks ahead to a life of possibilities like a 7 year-old. Life lives here. In my war zone – toys strewn about, yesterday’s clothes piled on top of the high laundry mountains that exude “life,” dirty dishes, open windows with the sunny breeze blowing in. This is where Life lives. My life. The life of my family.

It has been a busy one. It has been a struggle lately for me to find the right balance in the midst of a crazy schedule. I’ve had to put off writing, reading for pleasure, and social networking. But I am attempting to hold on to this life and make each day count. I get frustrated when I can’t slow down time. I feel like a failure when it seems I’m losing the game. So I am especially thankful for moments like this, when I can step back and, well, enjoy my life.

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

Wanted: Wisdom

A couple of months ago I was really struggling with my school-age child. We were butting heads constantly. I was so frustrated with her “attitude” and wanted to nip it Right then and There. Unfortunately, that translated into constant criticism, which didn’t get me the results I wanted PLUS made both of us feel terrible about ourselves all the time.

I backed off and decided to pick my battles with a little more wisdom. It turns out parenting is a process and so is her developing personality. While I can’t let her rule the family with her bossiness, I can’t be constantly reprimanding her either. I’ve changed my strategy and currently things are a bit better. I won’t elaborate on “my strategy” unless you ask me to, because I’m not really here to dole out parenting advice.

I’m here because I’m looking for some.

Next up on The Challenges of Parenting a School-Age Child Experience: How to Handle Struggles at School. This episode – Reading.

My oldest is brilliant in many ways. She has fabulous ideas, she’s great with numbers, and she’s a Creator. But she’s been slow to become a fluent reader. At this point neither her teacher nor I think she’s dealing with a disability. We may find otherwise down the road, but so far we just think it’s taking her a little longer than many of her peers.

I’m not freaking out about this. But I am trying to address the situation appropriately, and I want to help her. She’s frustrated about it and knows she is kind-of behind. Yesterday we got her report card and sat down to look at it together. Those of you who have walked this road know that children can take this sort of thing really personally. I did not realize this. I focused in on the great parts of her report card, and there are many. But her attention went straight to the weaknesses. I read her what the teacher said in the Comments, which included that “she is improving” but needs to “practice more to increase her fluency” and that she could also work on her writing skills. I read the positive comments too and looked over and she was crying. L It made me sad. O, oldest perfectionist daughter! O, sweet first grader who wants to please her teacher... and her parents! Please don’t cry.

So I tried to comfort her and we talked a little and it wasn’t the end of the world. But the planner in me has a hard time not laying it all out:

“Ok, Sophie, we need to work on this. So after you get done with your homework every night, and then piano practice, we need to spend 45 minutes, at least, reading. We’ll go thru this checklist that your teacher suggests and….”

No. I didn’t say that. But it was hard not to. I don’t want her to be thinking about what a drag this is that she has to read more. I want her to be motivated and willing. I don’t want to be crabby about it, and I’m determined not to.

So what is your advice for approaching this with her? I’m thinking she might enjoy a chart. She is an oldest type A, after all. I have some ideas for rewards… I just don’t know. I want to know what not to say, and what I could say that would be helpful. And I think largely, I need to pray that I don’t destroy any confidence that she does have. And that I can help to build her up. Any of your suggestions are welcome.

Mom's Devotional Blog

A friend of mine started a devotional blog for moms called Growing HIS Kids. She started it back in Feb and I've been honored to be writing some devotionals for the blog. There is a decent sized group of moms writing for it and it's been pretty cool what they've come up with! It's a blog where moms can find a daily devotional, that's scripture based, and (bonus!) helpful!!! :) I know; it's cool. My friend is smart. ;)

I guess I haven' exactly explained all this since we're on facebook, but anyway - today's post on the blog is from me. I wrote about how the Lord can take care of my marriage, regardless of how much of a screw-up I am. Whew! What a relief!!

Refocusing

As usual, Hearts-at-Home National Conference was fabulous. It was different for me this year, but it was still good. When it was all over I had a lot of processing to do, and to be honest I’m still working on it. I noticed that when I came home Brad was prepared for me to come in and announce whatever life changes I would now be implementing. After 7 years, he has learned. And I think he appreciates that usually it’s good stuff that benefits our marriage and our family.

Every year I think I come home and say “I need to re-focus.” It’s not a bad thing. It reminds me of one of the sessions we attended called Professional Parenthood. Kendra and John Smiley shared how we can approach our job as parents as a professional would approach their job. For example, ‘professionals’ set goals, and setting goals for our kids can help us figure out what they need from us. Professionals also EVALUTE themselves TRUTHFULLY. I think that’s what Hearts at Home does for me. It gives me an opportunity to think about what I’m doing and what I could be doing better. It helps me to separate the big issues from the minor ones. And it gives me the resources I need to find solutions to those issues.

So as usual, I’m ‘refocusing.’ I need to straighten out my priorities. I think I spend too much time online and not enough time washing clothes. I have been really focused on myself and my new life goals, lately. This is painfully obvious, but: just because I think I’m done having kids, doesn’t mean I can move onto the next phase. The next phase is not about me. It’s about being the hands-on parent I want to be: creating a structured safe-haven for my kids where they will be given tough choices and taught to handle success and failure in a loving family. It’s about them. And as much I think it would be fun to go after my master’s degree or write a book, the priority needs to be passionate parenting.

Of course my sanity depends on writing. I have to write. I have to have some time for me and my brain. I know I need to have an identity separate from that of MOM. But I think my biggest passion right now needs to be Motherhood. And I’m excited about that. Again.

My Daily Bread

Give us this day our daily bread…

Lord, you always provide for me. This weekend you gave me a day away.. and cooperative children. You cleared my mind for the planning, and you included new friends and inspiration. You give me opportunities to hold my children, pay my bills, and get my groceries. You have given me a vehicle that runs, usually has heat, and the safety features we need to keep our family safe.

You’ve provided me with a pediatrician who I trust. With flu shots, with medicine.. actually, with amazingly healthy kids. I have the money I need to pay my bills, the resources to figure out how to manage my money, and the motive – my family.

I have a warm home. I have ideas about how I can make it more functional for my family. I have little girls who get excited about a place for their things. I have groceries and a kitchen and an oven.

I have friends who call and share a laugh – fuel for my soul. I have brothers and sisters who care and celebrate life’s little victories with me. I have parents who would drop everything for my children.

This is my bread. The fact is, this is my daily bread. I have a country that allows me freedom to work and live as I wish. I was raised in a middle class home and have somehow maintained that into my adult life. This is my daily bread. It’s a feast, it’s an overwhelming feast that I do not deserve. But it is daily what God provides for me.

Amazing.

Full-Time Praises

Last night Brad and I decided I won't go back to subbing this semester. And this is kindof a big deal.

For the past year or 2 I've been available as a substitute teacher. I enjoyed it and the money was helpful. It wasn’t all the time or anything, but it was good. However, since Edwin’s arrival the logistics of such a thing have been in question. How do we get Sophie to school? Or home? Is the money worth it after paying for child care? Is there enough to do managing our home? But, the money would be SO helpful.

But my heart has not been in it. I mean, these days I’m daydreaming about making my own baby food, finding ways to save money on household needs, and nursing my baby for as long as my body will allow. I need to put some real time into my new Pampered Chef business and work on new house decisions. Certainly these are things that can be done with an outside job, but 3 kids complicates time management. (Something I’m not awesome at to begin with. Let’s be honest.)

When we ran the logistics we both felt that subbing is not in the cards right now. And when that decision was made, my soul took a deep breath and felt a weight lift. Being able to really devote myself to staying home fulltime right now.. taking care of my kids and my home.. it’s something I never imagined would be real. But it is. By the grace of God only, it is. It isn’t because I worked hard.. it isn’t because I earned it.. it isn’t because God loves me more. It’s because it is His will right now for our family. It’s because He has a plan to use me, here, right now. And I am so thankful.

Today on my way to pick up my sick preschooler from school, I was thankful. Oh, Lord, thank you so much for making this easy. I don’t have to rearrange a work schedule, I don’t have to worry about the stress of leaving my job – I am at my job. As I carried my feverish baby girl out of school, I was sad for her. But I was happy for me.

And again this afternoon, sitting with my school age girl, folding clothes and doing homework – I am thankful. Edwin close by, Your Love is Strong by Jon Foreman playing in the background... Sophie and I singing together – I am overwhelmed with joy. Here are some of the lyrics in case you aren’t familiar…

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day…

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need…

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong.

And I continue to be amazed.

I thought about not sharing my good fortune. I don’t want people to be annoyed with my happiness. But, I need to praise the Lord and I can’t believe that I should keep this quiet! Hopefully it won’t discourage, but uplift and encourage others. If I can brag about my Jesus, I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m suppose to do. His Love Is Strong, and it’s what we all need to be holding onto.

Monday's Mom Moment

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Romans 12:1

I’m a little tired today and a little overwhelmed. It’s Monday, so I’m sure I’m not alone. J It’s not an impossible feeling.. just I need a little boost. The Spirit led me to Romans 12 and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

It’s a Mom Monday. The house needs a lot of work, I’m trying to get my Pampered Chef business off and running, I need a shower… but my baby girl wants me to play. And for a little while, I didn’t argue. It was nice. She wanted help with her Lite-Brite and we worked on making an ice cream cone picture together.

Now she’s off doing something else, and I am free to go on with my day. I think it would be easy for me to get up and feel guilty about not having accomplished more by now. But I don’t think that’s going to be very useful. That guilt and that frustration is a sign of the sin that follows me mercilessly, and I don’t need it. Spending a little time with my girl is not a bad thing. And if I can get up, “throw off the sin that entangles,” and start my day with THAT kind of approach – running “with perseverance the race marked out” for me and fixing my “eyes on Jesus,” I think I’ll have a good one.

Moms, be empowered to throw off the sin that entangles us and fix your eyes on Jesus. He has blazed a path for us, taken care of the dirty work, and asks us to live with joy and not lose heart. Be proud of the moments you can spend with your children, and the plans you have for your day. Work as if you are working for the Lord, and not for men. (Colossians 3:23) Have a great week.