Wanted: Wisdom

A couple of months ago I was really struggling with my school-age child. We were butting heads constantly. I was so frustrated with her “attitude” and wanted to nip it Right then and There. Unfortunately, that translated into constant criticism, which didn’t get me the results I wanted PLUS made both of us feel terrible about ourselves all the time.

I backed off and decided to pick my battles with a little more wisdom. It turns out parenting is a process and so is her developing personality. While I can’t let her rule the family with her bossiness, I can’t be constantly reprimanding her either. I’ve changed my strategy and currently things are a bit better. I won’t elaborate on “my strategy” unless you ask me to, because I’m not really here to dole out parenting advice.

I’m here because I’m looking for some.

Next up on The Challenges of Parenting a School-Age Child Experience: How to Handle Struggles at School. This episode – Reading.

My oldest is brilliant in many ways. She has fabulous ideas, she’s great with numbers, and she’s a Creator. But she’s been slow to become a fluent reader. At this point neither her teacher nor I think she’s dealing with a disability. We may find otherwise down the road, but so far we just think it’s taking her a little longer than many of her peers.

I’m not freaking out about this. But I am trying to address the situation appropriately, and I want to help her. She’s frustrated about it and knows she is kind-of behind. Yesterday we got her report card and sat down to look at it together. Those of you who have walked this road know that children can take this sort of thing really personally. I did not realize this. I focused in on the great parts of her report card, and there are many. But her attention went straight to the weaknesses. I read her what the teacher said in the Comments, which included that “she is improving” but needs to “practice more to increase her fluency” and that she could also work on her writing skills. I read the positive comments too and looked over and she was crying. L It made me sad. O, oldest perfectionist daughter! O, sweet first grader who wants to please her teacher... and her parents! Please don’t cry.

So I tried to comfort her and we talked a little and it wasn’t the end of the world. But the planner in me has a hard time not laying it all out:

“Ok, Sophie, we need to work on this. So after you get done with your homework every night, and then piano practice, we need to spend 45 minutes, at least, reading. We’ll go thru this checklist that your teacher suggests and….”

No. I didn’t say that. But it was hard not to. I don’t want her to be thinking about what a drag this is that she has to read more. I want her to be motivated and willing. I don’t want to be crabby about it, and I’m determined not to.

So what is your advice for approaching this with her? I’m thinking she might enjoy a chart. She is an oldest type A, after all. I have some ideas for rewards… I just don’t know. I want to know what not to say, and what I could say that would be helpful. And I think largely, I need to pray that I don’t destroy any confidence that she does have. And that I can help to build her up. Any of your suggestions are welcome.

Mom's Devotional Blog

A friend of mine started a devotional blog for moms called Growing HIS Kids. She started it back in Feb and I've been honored to be writing some devotionals for the blog. There is a decent sized group of moms writing for it and it's been pretty cool what they've come up with! It's a blog where moms can find a daily devotional, that's scripture based, and (bonus!) helpful!!! :) I know; it's cool. My friend is smart. ;)

I guess I haven' exactly explained all this since we're on facebook, but anyway - today's post on the blog is from me. I wrote about how the Lord can take care of my marriage, regardless of how much of a screw-up I am. Whew! What a relief!!

Refocusing

As usual, Hearts-at-Home National Conference was fabulous. It was different for me this year, but it was still good. When it was all over I had a lot of processing to do, and to be honest I’m still working on it. I noticed that when I came home Brad was prepared for me to come in and announce whatever life changes I would now be implementing. After 7 years, he has learned. And I think he appreciates that usually it’s good stuff that benefits our marriage and our family.

Every year I think I come home and say “I need to re-focus.” It’s not a bad thing. It reminds me of one of the sessions we attended called Professional Parenthood. Kendra and John Smiley shared how we can approach our job as parents as a professional would approach their job. For example, ‘professionals’ set goals, and setting goals for our kids can help us figure out what they need from us. Professionals also EVALUTE themselves TRUTHFULLY. I think that’s what Hearts at Home does for me. It gives me an opportunity to think about what I’m doing and what I could be doing better. It helps me to separate the big issues from the minor ones. And it gives me the resources I need to find solutions to those issues.

So as usual, I’m ‘refocusing.’ I need to straighten out my priorities. I think I spend too much time online and not enough time washing clothes. I have been really focused on myself and my new life goals, lately. This is painfully obvious, but: just because I think I’m done having kids, doesn’t mean I can move onto the next phase. The next phase is not about me. It’s about being the hands-on parent I want to be: creating a structured safe-haven for my kids where they will be given tough choices and taught to handle success and failure in a loving family. It’s about them. And as much I think it would be fun to go after my master’s degree or write a book, the priority needs to be passionate parenting.

Of course my sanity depends on writing. I have to write. I have to have some time for me and my brain. I know I need to have an identity separate from that of MOM. But I think my biggest passion right now needs to be Motherhood. And I’m excited about that. Again.

Housewives of Central IL

There is a tight-knit group of us moms that regularly marvel at how God has blessed us with each other. We have very little girl-drama in our group, judgment is somehow kept at bay, and the cattiness is non-existent. I know. It’s crazy. I mean, I’m not sure it can be documented anywhere else. ;) Instead we feel uplifted and encouraged by each other. A well-timed phone call, a dropped-off meal, your favorite drink appearing on your counter – everyone should have such good friends.

We are amused with the contrast between our lives and that of “Housewives of ____.” Not only do we work with much smaller budgets (understatement!), but our relationships are sources of positive energy and love – not negativity and complication. We think the world should know about Housewives of IL and how great female friendship CAN be, and we’ve joked about getting our own show. But we also know it might be too boring for today’s audiences. J

These days most of us have sick children. RSV, ear-infections, sinus infections, stomach issues – just like any other group of moms these days, we are having our challenges. Then of course there are part-time jobs, housework, online obligations, PTL, and other various extra-curricular activities thrown into the mix. Add in a funeral or two, a sick husband, the rocketing price of gas, and a sudden change in a deadline - and you’ve got the recipe for a stressed-out mom.

Two of us were exchanging lists of craziness yesterday. As I walked back to my van I thought – “So much for Housewives of Central IL… How ‘bout Super-Moms?” I mean, seriously – what superhero wants to fly into the face of these challenges? So far we’re holding it together (mostly) in the midst of $180 prescriptions, a burnt meal-exchange, and a trip to New Jersey for a funeral. Whininess is no match for our focus! A smokey kitchen will not shut down our mission to feed our families! Money? Who needs it? We will find a way! We triumph over it with a fabulous $100 deal at a water-park on the way home from the funeral! We prevail with a pizza-order, met with cheers from our children (and husband)! We settle in with our babies at home, happy for the break their infection provides – we don’t have any money to go anywhere anyway!!

Maybe it’s deliria or denial. But somehow we come out of it with a smile. Thank goodness for our hilarious children. Thank goodness for prayer. And praise the Lord for our friends. Ready at a moment’s notice, gifted with the powers of comfort and support – The Super-Moms of Central IL will do whatever they have to do to uphold the statutes of family. This is our job and though we wish earnestly that someone else would come clean our kitchens, we move forward with resilience. We will be victorious!!!

Life-Changing

Been a few weeks since I posted and I'm well aware of the fact. I want to be writing, but there is so much to do! Life is good lately, just busy.

But Hearts at Home is in one week and I'm really looking forward to it. I know I could use the fill-up and I am excited to come home more enthusiastic and refreshed for my family. Hearts has been such a life-changing experience for me over the years. Here is a list of advice I've gotten from Hearts at Home Conference that has changed my life. It is no particular order. (Although the first two were from year one. That was an emotional year for sure.)

1. Your life needs margins. Do what you have to do to get them.

2. If you have a demon, you need to face him; for the sake of your children, your husband, and yourself.

3. If you want to be a good parent, take care of your marriage. Find time to get away together. You're kids will benefit greatly.

4. You are someone apart from being a mom. Figure out who it is, because someday your babies will grow up and you will need a life.

5. God made you a mom for these kids very much on purpose. Don't be so hard on yourself. You have special qualities that make you the best person for this job.

6. Sex is really a big deal for your marriage. So is communicating. Find a way to fulfill the needs of both parties.

7. You're not alone.

8. Get a family picture taken. Even if it's just a snapshot. Print it 5x7 or bigger. Hang it in your house. It will be uplifting to you and your kids.

9. Take time for yourself. Also, take time to hang out with Jesus - just the two of you.

10. Pray without ceasing.

I believe they still accept walk-ins, if you're interested! Let me know, I'll meet you there! ;)