Let It Go

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thes 5:18

I have a LOT of good things going on right now. But the devil is good at making me feel sorry for myself. And at times like those, I can’t help but blame him for hormones too. Same old story with me these days: wondering how we will bring home a baby to this little house, get Soph too school, and move someday. Nothing that hasn’t been done before and I’ve been getting tired of feeling annoyed about it.

So, my focus needed to change. And after a big crash of emotions last week, God and I had a talk and he opened my eyes to Letting Go.

Not a big surprise that I HAVE A PLAN and IT’S NOT HIS. I love my plans. I love making lists, I love brainstorming.. I Love Planning. It’s one of the reasons I love to teach, it’s one of the reasons I love life, frankly. J So of course, I always have to have at least a loose mental plan for the next few months of life, depending on what’s going on.

I’m not sure my husband usually plans much past the next 24 hours, and even that can sometimes be a stretch for him. But this year he has had a plan to get back into demo derby cars, and I was well aware of it. When we first started talking about it, we were also discussing building a house. When your husband is building you a house, it’s hard to say no to the little things. Well, it seemed little at the time. And we both believe strongly that we all need down-time, that we all need a break to keep us sane. So this seemed like a nice distraction for him to occasionally turn to.

And it has been.

But now it’s July and I’m really pregnant and stressed out and I want the house to be done. And for the next week, and for the last week (at least), that has not been his plan.

My plan has also been derailed, largely, by the weather, so it’s not like if he wasn’t doing demo the house would be ready. Not at all. And guess what – I can’t help with the house. I can’t do much on ladders these days, and no heavy lifting, and NEWSFLASH: I don’t know how to build a porch.

So basically this is a formula for me going crazy and feeling REALLY helpless and OUT OF CONTROL and we all know that is not going to sit well in this crazy head of mine.

So last weekend I was trying really hard to give it to God and He gave me this verse from Thessalonians about being joyful – and it didn’t really bring me joy. It brought me frustration and I was praying on it and knocking and pounding on the door thru my tears and looking for the thankfulness and He said “My will” and I threw up my hands and said Fine.

I hate giving up control. And it turns out generally in life I get my way. And it turns out when I don’t I’m like a spoiled little brat, stomping my feet and arguing and pouting. (I wondered where Sophie got that.)

After a bit of that, God tried really hard (and with some degree of patience) to show me the big picture, and reminded me of how great His plan has been in the past – even when mine was really good – and I started practicing saying “Let it go, let it go, let it go…” over and over.

On day 3 of my chant, I opened up a pocket devotional to the appropriate day and it said this: Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21. I laughed out loud and felt like God was saying, “Yes, I heard you. Yes, My plan is a good one. Keep up the effort.”

Day 4 I felt a little less stressed than I have and had a good day with the girls. Day 5 my husband asked if I wanted to go to a demo with him, and I managed to say yes and we spent time together for the evening and the wall started to crumble. Day 6 of Letting Go he got home when he said he would, and we even joked a little about our differences.

On Day 1 I made a list of the things I know for sure. Things like “Sophie starts school in August” and “We are expecting a baby boy in September” and “I need a dresser for this new baby’s things.” I went to a garage sale and found lots of deals and I’m making plans to paint an old dresser we have downstairs. I’m trying to figure out if we will have money for Sophie to get new school clothes and I need to make arrangements for her to go to the eye dr. Things I have control over, that need to be taken care of.

I can’t control how fast the house is being built. I can’t control the weather. I can’t control my husband (really?). I can control my joy (sortof), and I can control how much time I spend in prayer, and I can be thankful.

Today is Day 7. I have lots to be thankful for. My list making on Day 1 helped me to see that.