December Pains and Prayers

So much heartache right now in the lives of people I know.

I wonder why I’m so lucky to have 3 perfectly healthy children.
Why I’ve been spared the loss so many mother’s face?
How I’m supposed to go to sleep after too many pieces of sadness today?

It’s late.
I can hear the cold rain softly hitting the windows as I walk through the kitchen.
It’s 10 days till Christmas.

As I enter the living room it looks different than when I left it 5 minutes ago. Instead of the piles of laundry and toys.. the books and papers on the end table.. a stack of movies near the tv stand….. My eyes start elsewhere. Instead of the messes and the disdain with which I left this room a short while ago, my eyes fix on the tree. The lights are bright and the ornaments personal. Each one a gift or a memento. My kiddos put them on last weekend and under the guidance and direction of oldest, they look pretty good. A few branches bundled with multiple ornaments remind me that a 4 year old was involved. I smile.

It’s perfect.

Now as I look around the room, the mess is a minor detail. I’m drawn to sit down and breathe in the peace and comfort of my home as we inch closer and closer to the height of the holiday season.
As of this moment, my girls will be giddy to dress up in their new holiday attire. They will be planning hair-do’s and making Christmas cards.
As of this moment, a birthday party is planned in the coming days for our Christmas baby. Now almost 11 and beautiful in every way, she’s constantly teaching me something new about life.
As of this moment, I can know with confidence that my 7 year old’s personality will liven-up every room she enters this season. Her humor and wit will become this year’s holiday folklore, just like every other year.
As of this moment, my baby boy is growing again. His face is changing and he’s snooping around the Christmas gifts and pushing his sisters to the edge of themselves. And he has me wrapped around his finger, as I desperately hold on to the little bit of little left in him.

The rain stops for now. I wonder if we’ll have snow for Christmas day. I remember looking out the window and seeing the snow coming down gently after Sophie was finally delivered and the room was calm.

All of this could change at any moment. None of it is guaranteed for my Christmas season. No matter how lovely or logical or how much it feels like it’s meant to be - there is no such thing as a sure thing.

That’s not the kind of world we live in.

My heater kicks on and I thank God, again, for a furnace and a warm house. There are so many people to pray for and I hadn’t even gotten to the cold and hungry in my prayers today.

I can’t keep up.

I know this is depressing, but it’s me taking note of the fact that plenty of people are struggling to embrace the Christmas joy that comes so easily to some of us. I’m looking around and I know people who are dreading Christmas morning. I can’t help but think of my mom 30 years ago when one week before Christmas, her dad was killed in a tragic accident.

How does one survive a Christmas like that?

And I know that Christmas was hell.
And I know theirs isn't the only tragedy this time of year.
And I know I need to just sit here in my messy living room next to my Christmas tree and say as many prayers as I can for the hurting hearts.
And I ask God to hold me tightly as we stumble through the next few weeks. 

Not being thankful enough. Not being mindful enough. Not fully understanding the gifts we will receive. 

Not staying focused on the one sure thing: Christ. 

I will try to breathe deep.

The rain blows against my window as the wind picks up.

I bow my head and pray for the tearful.

Because The People You Love Are Not One-Size-Fits-All

Every night when I tuck the girls in, Clare gets a kiss on the lips and Sophie gets a kiss on the forehead. 

If I didn’t go through with this ritual, Clare would probably say something. She has gone out of her way to make sure it happens, so if I avoided it for some reason, I think she would probably call me out on it. If I didn’t go through the ritual with Sophie, I doubt she would say anything. But I can tell she values it as a part of the routine and would miss it if it were gone. 

Different kids need different things. 

Different kids respond differently too. Just because one expresses the way they feel about something, and one does not.. does not mean only one of them has an opinion. 

Sounds sensible, right?

But is it how we are treating the people around us? One size fits all is an easy approach, but I know for a fact it doesn’t work for my kiddos. 

Or my friends. Or my community.

My girls have different preferences in clothing. And food. And television shows. And free time. 

One processes things out loud with wit and clever conversation. 

The other internally considers her options and comes to conclusions without interaction.

One size does NOT fit all when it comes to their clothes or personalities or how they approach conflict. This goes for our neighbors too. It goes for all the people we are commanded to love in our lives. Your spouse. Your son. Your daughter. Best friends. Peers. Co-workers. Even your enemies. 

People are wired different. 

And so we have to approach them with compassion and patience and grace. 

When Clare wants to talk, she sits down and says “Mom, we need to talk.”

When Sophie wants to talk she just sits down in the vicinity… or starts lurking around waiting for whatever seems to be the appropriate time. If I wait for her to say, “Mom, we need to talk,” I might as well forget about it. 

Let’s remember that loving our neighbor means meeting people where they are. And bringing lots of grace and love along, no matter where we meet.

***********REALITY CHECK***************************

Hold up, hold up, hold up, people. Wait, wait.

Let’s be clear about something:

THIS IS REALLY TERRIBLY TOUGH. It’s serious. It’s heavy. Arduous. Toilsome. Burdensome! Backbreaking! I went to the thesaurus and looked up a bunch of words but mostly I just want to say this is SOOO HARD.

This thing where we really consider what others need, instead of just checking them off our to-do list…. it’s like one of the most unselfish things we can do.

Somedays it feels mostly impossible.

We are so prone to the-world-revolves-around-me. We are all about our OWN perspective and how MY way of doing things is… well, IS the best way. (bold) Not only that, but some people make it REALLY REALLY HARD to love them! They are SOOO difficult and cranky and just WEIRD and they don’t make any sense to us. Why do they have to BE that way? I’m so done with them. I’m not even going there.

I know.

I very much know.

When I was thinking about my girls the other day, though… I was thinking about how for them - how I love them so much and even though they are SUCH a challenge some days - I want to personalize my love for them. I want to seek out the best way for each of them so we can find a way to get along and I can maybe start to have a clue when Clare is losing it about how much she can’t stand her brother, and maybe I could head her off at the pass and meet her where she is so we can get that thing back on the road.

And then I got to thinking that I would love to be able to do that with my husband and my close friends and maybe even people I’m not super close with, but with whom I have to interact with regularly.

And that’s when I realized all of this is about love and grace and forgiveness and not looking inside at how I want things to be, but looking outside and figuring out where people are.

That if I care… if I value that relationship… that’s what I’m going to have to do sometimes. Or maybe all the time.

This is really the opposite of what our culture says. 

"If you don’t like this speed, you won’t like my other one.” 

"Accept me as I am, or out to the curb with you.” 

But God says My ways are not your ways. So if you want to keep that relationship around - if you want to cultivate that relationship - if you treasure it - you are going to have to treat it special. You’ll have to put something extra into it. 

Different people have different needs.

When we acknowledge that fact, it can make a difference in a relationship.

May nothing less than the audacity of the Holy Spirit empower us to love our neighbors.

Why Moms Struggle to Prioritize and A Flowchart w/ All the Answers

Staying home with kids and managing a family is such a unique job. It requires 10,000 skills (half of which you don’t know you possess), does not include a salary, and can be strangely rewarding despite the fact to-do lists often go unchecked and chaos frequently ensues. Your ‘co-workers’ are the most important thing to you on the face of the earth, but you find yourself daydreaming about ways to escape them - just for a little while.

Getting things done and prioritizing is so nearly impossible some days. SAHM’s know efficiency is supposed to be the name of the game, but it’s a struggle. Plus there is debate over what the “name of the game” is. Are we here to keep house or raise our kids? Crying toddlers and whiny preschoolers make it really difficult to do any of the above. And I HATE starting a project knowing that at any moment I’ll probably be interrupted by one childhood drama or another.  

Ugh.  Makes me want to just turn around and go somewhere else.

In addition to these conundrums, I’m also regularly wondering if I should be working (part-time) more or less than I already am. Probably I’m NOT the only one out there also looking at a budget wondering how we can live with less or pay for more. One of my girlfriends tells me that about every 4 months I have a meltdown about getting a job and feeling guilty that I’m not bringing in more/any income. (After she told me that it helped me calm-the-freak-down and now whenever this happens I remind myself that it’s just a little glitch in my crazy and it will pass.) 

This summer I took a few weeks off from my farm job, and I got to be home full-time. I loved it. (It’s not the same as it was when my kids were 8,4, and 1!) Regardless of the age of the kiddos, it is still a challenge to prioritize. Prioritizing might be at the core of every SAHM's daily struggle. We call it “balancing,” we make binders to help us stay on track, we follow A Slob Comes Clean for help cleaning and prioritizing, we schedule and schedule and say things like, “well, if I was at a ‘workplace,’ then…”

But of course we are not at a traditional job. Our kids require a great deal of attention. That’s why we’re here with them after all! And there’s an awful lot of debris left behind whenever they settle into a room for more than 90 seconds. 

All of this is SAHM reality. It’s a crazy job unlike anything I have done before. 

One day I was looking for a different perspective on getting things done around here. I started making my lists and I found myself going about it a little backwards. I jotted some things down that I want out of my SAHM days. My list looked something like this:

• To eat healthy. 
• To work efficiently. 
• To get up and get going in the mornings - this means my kids too. Self-sufficiency is a bonus. 
• To feel dignified as we go about our business here. 

For our family, me being at home means we need to cut the convenience foods out, because they cost too much. It means at some point during the day I have to get some writing done. I have presentations I need to prepare and communication that needs to happen. Another thing I prioritize is having the house halfway decent and a dinner plan so that when The Builder comes home, he feels like things are taken care of and he doesn’t have to stress. (Does this always happen? No of course not! But it’s a goal and I figure three or four days out of the week is better than zero. If you want help with this, A Slob Comes Clean does have a set of books on sale thru today that look great!)  


So it occurs to me that in order to eat healthy, my kitchen needs to be clean. What happens around here is it gets to be lunch time and the kitchen isn’t clean (at all). So then I want to clean it before I make food. But my kids are already starving and so they start snacking or passing out or whatever because they don’t want to wait for me.

That means, 1. To eat healthy, my kitchen needs to be clean.

If I’m going to get any work done, I have to use the office. I love writing in my bedroom, but my back kills me after sitting on my bed at my computer for more than 20 minutes. The kitchen table is fine, but there are LOTS of distractions in there. For goodness sakes, I HAVE an office! Ok, but that means the desk has to be cleaned off at least some, so I have a decent space to work in. Which means I have to have places for all the books and papers that come through there. Which means I need a system. (Oh man, the cycle never ends.) 
hmmm
Well, luckily I spent a solid day on my office not long ago and did put some systems into place. So it doesn’t take too long now to get the desk at least halfway cleaned off and the books and piles to where they go.

2. To get some writing/speaking done, my office needs to be in decent shape.

Next thing. Mornings are rough around here. I’m not a morning person and neither is child #2. One thing I notice that slows us down even more is when all the clothes are in laundry baskets and not in our drawers. UGH, I know. But at the very least it’s helpful if they are folded. My girls are old enough now if we get to sorted&folded clothes they are responsible for putting them away. I’m terrible at all this, so don’t get worked up if you are too. I’m just noticing if we have clothes in our drawers instead of piles, it helps the morning go smoother.

Goal #3: To have a better morning, laundry has to be put away more often.

Last one. As we are going about our business in this house, I’ve noticed something that makes me feel gross. This varies for all of us, but for me it’s nasty toilets and sinks. I want to feel dignified as I work in my home and take care of my kids. A messy kitchen and piles of laundry don’t help, but the icing on the cake for me is toilets screaming for attention. GROSS.

Goal #4: To feel like a respectable person, I need to clean the toilets regularly. 

I’m sure some of you who have been to my house are thinking, well you didn’t clean them for me. And you are right, and I’m sorry. I didn’t say these things will be done or else I’m not going to bed at night or leaving the house when it’s time to go unless they are done. I’m just saying it would be nice. We all know I’m not OCD. However, I think it’s fair to say, clearly I AM analytical. Which means I like to have reasons for doing things. I need to have clear-cut motivation. So I’m excited about my new list.

If a list like this doesn’t help you. Maybe a flowchart will. Sometimes SAHM days are so chaotic, I just want someone to tell me what to do. Flowcharts can do that. Messy kitchens are no fun, but flowcharts are awesome.

I'm sure this can help you. 

No matter what choices and decisions you have to make today, I pray that at the end of the day you know you are not alone in this. Know that you are in good company with thousands of other moms who are trying to figure out what their day should look like too. And guess what? You get another chance tomorrow.

Godspeed, Mama.

A Coupon Organizer for Regular People

I'm not a hard-core couponer, but I appreciate saving money. So the other day when I sat down with a stack of inserts, I needed a plan. At one time I had an accordion style file folder, but it must have run its course because it has disappeared. :)

This cheap photo album/brag book has been sitting on my shelf for awhile (i.e. years). Of course there are no actual photographs in it, so I decided to give this a whirl. 

4x6 notecards are what I inserted into each page. Quick and easy. Sticking with my don't-make-this-harder-than-it-needs-to-be approach, I found categories on Pinterest and considered if they would work for us. I changed them around a little bit for my purposes.  Each category is written on the card in 3 different places, because you never know where your coupons are going to land. 

I can use the front and back of each category to store coupons, and since I don't have 12 million coupons to organize, it's easy to see what I have. 

One thing I was worried about was functionality. I love a cute book, but would it be easy to utilize in the midst of a shopping trip with children fighting over who should be pushing the cart? Turns out it's very easy to turn the pages, because they have that plastic covering and just enough stuff in them to give some structure. On the spot it worked quite well and I was pleasantly surprised. 

This was one of those purely-practical projects.  Straightforward and simple. 

Sometimes it's best to just focus on the basics. 

I don't know how long this thing will survive, but so far I'm pleased. It's a functional, inexpensive, reasonably sized solution. It makes me happy to know I have a place to go with my coupons when I'm organized enough to gather them up. 

Happy average-person couponing!  ;)

4 Resources for Teaching Our Kids Good Manners

Recently a friend of mine said to me, "Hey, if my kids are demanding or not using their manners, I need to know about it."  She was especially referring to when she's not around.  I quickly joined in.  I like that idea.  If my kids are being demanding and not using polite language when they are out-and-about, I need to know about that.

But it made me think more about whether I'm teaching them those manners at home.  Kids don't just all the sudden know how to say please and thank you. If left to their own devices, they are more likely to demand a cookie, run through the doorway (not holding it open for those behind them), and whine when something doesn't go their way. My kids tend to be decent in public, but I could certainly be more deliberate about teaching them how we interact with the world. All my kids are at an age now where they would benefit from me seriously setting aside some time for this.

Since I'm clearly not an expert in this field, I've gathered up some links and resources.  Here's what I found that I like.

Teaching Manners--It Still Matters: How to Teach Good Manners 
This is a link to an article from the magazine Parenting, in which the author looks at the stages of our kids and talks about what's appropriate and reasonable for them at each age.  She has done her research and has great suggestions. Click on the link and it will take you there. 

How cute is this?  My kids are usually game for a match-it-up.  Even if they groan a little, this will be a great way for us to start this conversation and all get onto the same page.  You can find this printable at Enchanted Yankee.  Go to that link and follow her instructions.  Easy peezy!

This next link is to Teach Mama, where she shares an approach to rewarding kids for catching them in the act.  It's pretty simple and cute and might be just the thing to get your kiddos in the habit of being polite!

Last up I found a printable that was a great reminder for me about all the various social situations I need to prepare my children for.  

To get this printable go to In Between Laundry. Other sites have posted similar ideas, but I can't get those to function properly. In Between Laundry made a printable and is offering it for free.  

There are really tons of suggestions out there, but I think this is a good start.  Again, don't make this harder than it needs to be.  Talk to your kids and find teachable moments.  And don't get frustrated.  They will catch on eventually if you stay consistent and reasonable!  But like most things, if you don't have a plan, it's probably not going to happen. 

Do you have any suggestions for teaching our kids to be polite?

Why Even Free-Spirited Mamas Want A Schedule

As the school year arrives and the cornfield out my window begins to turn, parents near and far can be heard cheering for the return of ROUTINE. Not to say all moms and dads are happy about constantly-in-your-face-family-time being over, but I mean… most of them are.  ;) 

Anyway, regardless of what kind of schooling your kids are getting, if they are over the age of 3 this is the time of year routine tends to take over. And most of us are glad. 

The beauty of routine has always brought me some degree of comfort. As a teacher, I loved the start of the school year. Fresh and clean, stretching out before us, specific expectations and schedules ready to be followed. It gives me structure that my creative/lazy/pinball-resembling-brain does not have on its own. I am not one who defaults to schedules and healthy habits. As much as I love making lists, my follow through is not so great.

As a teacher I learned that children thrive under routine as well. I’m not talking about every-second-of-the-day scheduled routine, or extracurricular practices 4 nights a week. I’m talking about knowing what to expect. Breakfast and dinner around the same time every day (we are terrible at the latter), a consistent plan for right after school, the same place for homework every day. When my kids are allowed to lazy-around all morning in the summer or on a Saturday, we always have more behavioral issues than if they had some kindof schedule to start off their day.  

Even if the schedule is,
"First we are going to eat breakfast and get dressed and then we are going to do puzzles all morning." 

Adults are the same. It’s really hard to get into a routine at home, and every inch of my being resists most attempts, but many aspects of my life are finally learning the beauty of routine.  

Advantage #1: I know where things are.

• When I pull in the garage, my sunglasses and keys go on the dash.
• My meds stay in the cubby in my van because I will see them there. My chapstick too.
• The phone plug-in is next to my bed and usually stays there, so at night I can easily remember to plug in my phone. (Definitely learned that one from my husband. With a brain wired like mine, sometimes these things don’t seem so obvious without being told.)

I have managed to train myself to leave these items in these spots or I would be lost at all times.  (It’s bad enough with the rest of the things I own.)

Advantage #2: My kids know what to expect.

I certainly have a lot of room for improvement, especially on this one.  But I am inspired by how well this works for the routines we HAVE managed to establish.

• Bedtime always includes a story. Eddie gets at least one, maybe 2 books read to him in bed before going to sleep. (Depends on how well-behaved he has been that evening.) The girls lay down and read for at least 15 minutes before lights are off. This has been such a good way for everyone to settle down in our family.  
• On church and school mornings there is no television. I know it works for some families, but for us it is a disaster. So everyone in our family has gotten pretty used to that rule now. If a child is all ready to go and we aren't leaving yet, there might be an opportunity for said child to play an electronic device. But honestly, my girls pretty much take all the time they are given to prepare for their day. #liketheirmom
• When we are guests somewhere, and the visit is wrapping up, I pretty much ALWAYS give a 5 or 10 minute warning. This has served us quite well. I’m not saying they NEVER have meltdowns when it’s time to leave, but it could definitely be worse. (Usually it’s only one out of the 3 kids who struggle with this, so it helps that the other 2 are compliant.)

Advantage #3: The house isn't as messy as it could be.

• When I fill a laundry basket with clothes that I know I’m not folding right now, there is a certain corner of my room that basket goes.  It doesn't sit in my living room (as often as it used to), it goes directly to my room.  The living room doesn't get overrun with laundry then, just toys and books.
• Same with my kitchen, to a degree.  All the dirty dishes go to the left of the sink.  Even if THAT counter is overflowing with dishes, at least the other counters aren't.  PLUS, when it’s time for someone to fill the dishwasher or fold clothes, everything is in one place.  When my kids are looking for clean clothes, they know where to find them.  

Look, fellow freebird-mama, I love a spontaneous day just as much as the next Type B personality. But, I encourage and URGE you to identify just a couple spots in your day that could use some help, and try to weave in a little routine.

[Words of warning: 1) Don’t bite off more than you can chew. Don't try to add routine to every minute of your day. Failure is guaranteed. 2) And don’t expect everyone to “get it” the first time. It takes time.]

Nevertheless, if you set a goal or two for yourself and stick to it, you will eventually see results. You’re going to need to find your sunglasses tomorrow and put your kids to bed and make dinner, whether you've established a routine for those things or not.  So wouldn't it be nice to have a plan when that moment is staring you down?   

What is a simple routine that has saved your sanity? Your everyday-habit might be a game-changer for someone else!

How My Follow Through Problem Isn't Just About Laundry

I have a follow thru problem.

First of all, why can't we spell "through" that way?  I mean, it feels so right.  And technically it is acceptable according to the dictionary, but my mom - who is a word addict - does not approve.  She looks at me like I just used the word "ain't" in a blog post.  "Is this how I raised you?" her face says.  I guess I shouldn't pick that battle.

As I was saying...... I have a follow through problem.  I used to think it was just about folding the laundry or finishing craft projects or getting thank you notes sent out.  (I know.  It's indecent how irresponsible I am.)  But it's more than that, and this was revealed to me last summer.

http://www.fvquotes.com/91441/follow-through-motivational-love-quotes

Last year the Builder and I faced some pretty nasty storms in our marriage.  It had been building (ha! that word just keeps popping up!) for a long time, like most nasty marriage weather, but it got to where we could ignore it no longer.  (I tried.  Believe me, I tried.)  So we learned all kinds of delightful things last year (the sarcasm is dripping here), but the best one (now I'm being serious) is that we still want to be married to each other.  (Yay!)  Despite my following through problem, despite all our other issues - we are still married and much happier now, I might add.

Facing our storm meant looking in the mirror and figuring out what role I was playing in our disaster.  (I'm not taking all the credit for our problems, but I'm not going to speak for my husband, so this will just be about me.)  One day I had a rude awakening when the following exchange took place:

(Keep in mind, there is tension in the house.)
The Builder walks in to our master bathroom.  I'm in the bedroom.
"Oh, sorry I left my work clothes in there on the floor.  I need to pick them up."
(Leaving my nasty dirty work clothes on the floor was a habit, by the way.  I had never really stopped to figure out how much this annoyed the Builder.)
He doesn't respond.
Usually we would just keep things to ourselves, but I was done with that. I got annoyed and blew up at him.   "Why is it that when I apologize for things, you don't say anything?!  It makes me crazy!"
He was quiet at first, but then shot right back at me.
"If you were really sorry I don't think you would have left them there in the first place!  You always leave them there!  Why not just pick them up?!"

I stopped in my tracks.  Besides the fact that he had eradicated the fight I WANTED to have, he had also called me out on a BIG problem:  I can talk the talk, but I can't walk the walk.
I have all sorts of great intentions, but I don't follow through on things.
I am an idea person.  Not a person of action.

This moment in our marriage hit me square in the face.  First of all, the Builder is a man of few words.  By definition, he is a man of action.  We speak very different languages.  (The next few months would be me working through that concept.)

But second of all, he was totally right.  My follow through problem wasn't just about not getting the last pan washed when I'm doing the dishes (why do I do that?), or folding the clothes but not putting them away.  My follow through problem was blowing holes in our marriage right and left.

"I'll do that when I get home."
He heard a promise.  I thought of it more as a nice idea.

"Let's pay off that credit card with this money!"
He heard a promise.  I thought we were having a 'conversation,' and since he didn't respond with much I forgot all about it.

"I'm sorry I didn't get that phone call made."
He thinks of "sorry" as a moment of repentance; a plan to change future actions.  If I'm sorry, then you would think the follow through would be that I would change my behavior - at least part of the time.
But I didn't.
And I had no idea how he perceived my behavior.
Until that moment in the bathroom.

Obviously I'm human and so is he and this was all just the tip of the iceberg.  But it was, and continues to be, an issue I think about.  It isn't just about my interaction with him.  In all facets of life I have great intentions, but fall short sometimes in getting the job done.   I create charts to help us get chores done, and they are forgotten in only a few days.  I make goals for kids, and lists for the house, and I fill index card holders with systems for getting the job done.  But sometimes those jobs don't get done.

Look, I'm not perfect and I get that.  There is no way I'm always going to follow through on all my ideas, and that's ok.  But I also have learned that I need to be more careful about what I say.  I need to weigh my actions and my words and think a little harder about how those things are affecting the people I love and the family that has to live with me.  It has been a big deal for me to recognize this about myself.  Understanding this flaw and where it fits into my daily life has changed things.

I still have laundry baskets sitting around with clothes (some folded, some not).  I still have plans and ideas that go unfulfilled.  But I'm more careful about what I say these days.  If I tell the Builder I'm going to do something - and it's an important something (to him or to the well-being of our family) - I take it much more seriously than I used to.  I'm still learning.  But one thing I've gotten a lot better at:
  My dirty clothes are rarely left on the master bathroom floor.

Sundays Could Be Less Busy

Ahhh, another busy Sunday in the books. 
Hmmm those words don't sound like they go together. 

Busy - Sunday?  

But I know you can relate. As this busy Sunday came to a close, I found myself wondering why we have to cram so much into Sundays. Sometimes they are great.  But sometimes I wake up on Monday and I’m trying to figure out where the resting part ran off to.

Why are we all so busy these days?!

Here's what we really SHOULD all be doing on Sundays. 

Is part of it that we are impatient? We want it to happen NOW and so we add another trip or event to the schedule. 

Is it because we just have access to more people and more travel arrangements these days? Since people know we "can," an expectations arises that we "should." 

Maybe it's our desire for the rest of the world to see how great things are going for us. We'd better make an appearance at X, Y, and Z because we wouldn't want them to think.... 

I really believe it often has something to do with boundaries. A good friend and I have been wrestling with boundaries on all sorts of levels lately. Discussing boundaries as they pertain to 

friendships, 

marriages, 

Facebook, 

kid's schedules, and 

our own appointment calendar. 

We've been encouraging each other to make choices that result in less busy-time and more days at home. We've been consciously considering who we want to be vulnerable with and how we can interact with people in positive, non-stressful ways. 

This boundary-making is probably easier during some life seasons than others. It might be harder because of the kind of extended family you have. Obviously financial circumstances can affect the kinds of choices we have to make too. 

I'm learning a lot about this and I haven't gotten it all figured out. Of course some days are crazy busy and I still share things with people and immediately regret opening my big mouth. But I challenge you to join me - and keep me accountable - asking these questions: 

• Is this the best thing for my family? 
• Is this good for my emotional well-being? 
• Can I afford this? 

One last thing. I'm guilty of looking around and quickly pointing out all the people whose priorities are clearly out of whack! What is she doing? Yikes! She should be _________!

Stop. I need to stop. You need to stop. 

This is one area where we can for sure take that energy and direct it towards what WE need to do for OURSELVES. Other people have to make their own decisions. Be a good example by establishing boundaries for yourself and encouraging your friends when they ask. Let's try to avoid getting so distracted assessing everyone else's calendars, when our own use of time takes up plenty of brain cells on it's own. 

Had to make any hard choices lately for the sake of your sanity?

The House My Husband Built

It's long overdue that I post a picture of the house!

There were a few pieces of siding missing for a while and I couldn't bring myself to post a picture of it with those missing parts. There is still landscaping to do and the porch to finish, but these are all details that do not get in the way of our daily lives.  As everyone who owns a house knows, there is always something that needs done.  This house is no exception and will provide us with projects for years to come.  But we are loving it and everyday when I wake up I am amazed that it is ours!

For the record, builder-husband did have help from his family and friends.  But he spent many a long day and night hammering away, planning, measuring, and finishing - often alone, sometimes with a helper... The weight of the project on his shoulders.  His attention to quality and detail is all over this thing and a testament to his talent and perseverance!

#grateful
#homebuilding
#familybuilding
#husbandbragging

Feel Like You're Sacrificing for Your Kids?

I’m glad to be of use.  I am.  The Bible says, “work for man AS IF you’re working for God.”  That’s good advice.  It is. 

But some days that barely cuts it.  

I work as a farmhand for my dad.  It’s a good job, in that it’s exactly the flexibility I need and he pays a fair wage.  It keeps me active and gets me out of the house.  The list of “pros” is long enough. 

But today, part of my job is scraping dried manure off the (gas, clutch, and brake) pedals of the loader tractor.  (Sigh)  Nothing like removing dried manure to keep one humble.  

Can’t I just go write some books?

Don’t try to talk me into loving this job.  I know it’s good.  Somedays I’d just like someone to know: I have other things to offer.  I’m a writer and a thinker and I have good ideas!  I just can’t chase all of that this minute. 

Feel like you’re sacrificing a lot for your kids?  I hear ya. 

I’m not complaining with the intention of changing things.  I’m just pointing out that a lot of us do things during our time as parents, that is a pretty clear sacrifice for something else we’d rather be doing.  I’m not here to nominate anyone for sainthood, either.  We are in this together.  

I just think it’s worth noting: We sacrifice for our children.  

We choose a job that has good hours and benefits, but isn’t really our dream career.  We move to a neighborhood that puts us in a good school district, but a smaller house than we’d prefer.  We put the career on hold, or buy a minivan instead of the slick hybrid, or finish the basement so they have a place to put all their stuff.  Or maybe we find a second job to pay for the private school - or just the bills.  Or head back to work sooner than we wanted because otherwise we can’t afford the health insurance the family needs. 

These are “first-world problems,” as they say.  We are privileged to do these things, to make these choices.  A lot of these things only occasionally annoy us.  In fact, you might even find out you love the awesomeness of your minivan.  

But I just would like to take a moment to say that on the more frustrating days, when you are grumpy about some of the choices you feel like you “have” to make: You are not alone.  If you feel like you are sacrificing for your family, you probably are.  

Way to go! Because that’s your job as a parent.

What have you sacrificed for your kiddos?

Semantics: Using My Words for Good

I love words.  I love how useful they are and how sometimes I can use them to get my way.  Hehehehe-maniacal-laugh!

Just kidding.

Words are pretty useful.  They can be tricky and powerful and sometimes downright scary.  Today I realized that with just the twist of a phrase, I can go from sounding like a kind, compassionate person to sounding like a total jerk.

Picture it:  You and some friends are standing in the parking lot after school chatting for a few minutes before taking your kids home.  One of the women recently twisted her ankle while taking her kids for a walk, so she stands there with the aid of the crutches she pulled out of the attic.  Someone walks up and says, "Hey, What did you do to your ankle?!"  

photo credit: Graham Ballantyne via photopin cc

Oh, yes, a familiar scene.  And usually the "victim" feels like she has to explain herself, accounting for whatever clumsiness exists in her gene-pool.  There is an embarrassment factor here that exists and it's unfortunate.  Don't we feel dumb often enough already?

I'm not trying to be Sensitive-Sally here.  I don't want you to start over-analyzing everything people say to you.  Most of the things we say are meant as harmless attempts to communicate.  On the other hand, I am a fan of using our words for good.  So what if we twisted this question just a little?  What if instead, the newcomer walks up and says, "What happened to your ankle?"
Not "What did YOU do to your ankle..."
Just - "What happened?"

This morning at work my dad and I were moving gates around, and all the sudden he was holding his thumb and making that "Oh crap" face.  So I said, "What did you do to your thumb?"  There was a tone that came out with that question indicating maybe somehow he could have avoided this injury.  Like I might as well have added, "...Loser."  But at the time, I didn't even know what had happened.  So why does my question come out implicating him in the misfortune?

What tone do I set when I talk to my kids and my husband?  Do I hand-out guilt when I talk to people about their hardships?

It's probably easier for all of us when we feel that there is someone to blame when bad things happen.  I think we have a tendency to want to find a very direct reason for mishaps - big ones and little ones.  But often times things just happen and we can't explain it and it's not necessary to make someone feel that their current circumstances were avoidable if they had just ________.

I gave up guilt for Lent.  It was great.  Turns out God is not interested in me carrying around and wallowing in the guilt that he already paid for.  Treating myself with more compassion and kindness has been nice.  Thinking maybe I'll be more intentional about speaking to others with compassion too.  'Cause words can be pretty powerful.  And I'd like to use them for good.  Want to join me?

It Takes A Long Time to Grow Up

Dear People Who Interact with Kids Frequently, 

Hey, first of all, thanks for being awesome and dealing with these crazy kids.  Sometimes it feels a bit chaotic.  I have my own kiddos 10, 6, and 3; I’ve taught high school and elementary school; and we have big families.  There have ALWAYS been kids around. 

This doesn’t mean I’m the kind of person who can spend hours upon hours with kids and love it more than anything.  Au contraire!  I have my limits to be sure.  In fact, I can only take small doses at a time.  But of course as a parent, there’s only so much I can do about the wild animals that live in my house, and though we have generous grandparents, they send them home often. 

My kids are funny and smart and super cute.  Just like your kids.  

And they don’t listen very often and their dad can’t understand why.  

We make rules and then forget to enforce them and we have goals for them that we have to alter.  

They are always learning things, though not what I was necessarily teaching them.  

And they pick up on WAY too many of our bad habits.  

As often as I want them to be/respond/act/think a certain way, most of the time they are on their own schedule for those behaviors.  I mean, seriously, they act like children most of the time.    

Because see the thing that has finally really registered with me, is -

It takes ALL of childhood to teach these guys how to be adults.  

I recently wrote about perseverance.  About how I figured out that if I stay committed to a few things - the really important things - that I want them to learn, eventually those things will sink in.  It won’t be because they catch on fast.  It won’t be because I’m magic or bribed them or figured out exactly the right phrase to say.  It will be because I stuck to my guns.  

Say it with me: We will be a family who ____________. Now fill in the blank. What completes your sentence? That's what perseverance needs to be about.

 

I won’t always be consistent and perfect, but overall I won’t give up.  This will be the most effective parenting strategy.  (Other than prayer.  That’s for another post.)

This strategy is essential because this parenting stuff goes on FOR 18+ years.  18 years.  
That’s (at least) how long we have to have expectations for our kids and how long we have to be challenging them and how long it will take them to even be close to ready to head out on their own.  

To be sure it will look different at different stages.  I figure that by the time my daughter is 14, I basically need to have already imparted to her ALL the important things about her value as a person 
and the importance of respecting her body 
and other peoples’ 
and how to show kindness 
and say you’re sorry.  
Because at that point she will be treated like an adult in SO many ways, and it will be LIFE APPLICATION time.  
And I’ll be there for that.  

But sometimes in the hard moments of dealing with an 8-year-old or maybe attempting to reason with a 4 year old - we forget that, the lesson we are teaching this moment?  It will need to be re-taught.  
And re-taught.  
And then taught again.  
We’d like to think we can tell them “once” and it will stick.  But that’s crazy.  

Good for you if you can remember after someone tells you something once.  I have to be told multiple times, and write it down, and usually enter it into an electronic device and there is still a significant likelihood that you will be reminding me that we’ve already been over this “once.”  Whether it’s the fact that you DO NOT LIKE CHEESE (sorry, bro; I always forget), or how the heck to fold up the playpen, or how to start the power-washer, or how to put the car seat back together after I’ve washed all it’s parts.  

Rarely do we “get it the first time.”

It takes all of childhood to learn how to be an adult.  

Heck, it takes most of adulthood to learn how to be an adult!  Goodness sakes. 

My point is, keep your expectations reasonable.  
13-year-olds don’t typically have good study skills ESTABLISHED.  They need to be taught, reminded, held accountable, and then reminded again.  
3-year-olds probably will have potty accidents.  Yes it’s maddening and it’s because they just aren’t paying attention.  But you have to expect it.  It’s part of the deal.  
And 15-year-olds are going to make bad decisions.  They will need to live thru the consequences, be forgiven, and given a second chance.  They are still learning too. 

5-year-olds will forget.  
10-year-olds will manipulate.  
14-year-olds sometimes throw temper tantrums.  
Be the adult here and recognize that this child is still learning.  He needs a firm, steady, hand of guidance.  

And lots of second chances.  

Just like you.

Sincerely,

Angie

Mom, Teacher, Learner