Permission for Mama to Dream

I’m getting excited for Hearts at Home this year!  As I was digging around on their site the other night, I discovered the Third Thursday Thoughts Blog Hop.  It’s a great opportunity for moms to find some refreshment and community.  This year’s conference theme is Love Your Life!, so today’s topic on the blog hop is Love Your Goals and Dreams.  This is one of my favorite topics, so I jumped on board.  Feels like I’m going to do a little series on this topic, so follow me on FB, Twitter, or Email to get a little update when I post the next one!

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Each session she sat on that couch in that office, she held her breath a little the entire time.  It was about expectation.  It was about hope. 

“What were you like before you were married?  Can you tell me about that person?”

The therapist’s words were a surprise to her.  They had been talking about the here and now. About her kids and her husband and the piles of baggage that seemed to be muffling out her voice.  

Who I was before?

A pause. 

I was so young then. 

It was so hard to unearth that girl.  What did she love?  What was her drive?  Am I anything like her now?

photo credit: Victor Bezrukov via photopin cc

The fact is, I’m not the same person I was before marriage and kids, and you aren’t either.  Regardless of how you feel about the young girl you once were, the therapist’s question drives at the heart of an issue that moms can really struggle with: Identity.  

STEP 1: Give Yourself Permission to DREAM

Identity is what makes you You.  It’s what inspires you, what sends you over the edge, what you want and what you think about 50 times a day and what makes you tick.  It can have everything to do with being a mom.  But sometimes it doesn't.  

There seems to be a battle between those who suggest “Being a Mom is Enough” vs. the “I've lost ME” moms who feel adrift in a sea of the demands of their children .  I have friends who have embraced motherhood like a lost puppy.  Women who understood after only a few months of monotonous housework and hourly breastfeeding, that this was the nature of the beast.  And they were ok with that.  I also have friends (myself included) who fought it tooth and nail, struggling to accept this new career with something other than disdain.  It takes us years to finally realize that God’s job for us as moms often doesn't come with the recognition and peer respect that we seek; but it’s still super-important. 

But let’s get something straight right now: Every mom has a passion for something. 

Baking.  Organizing.  Teaching young children.  Nutrition.  Gardening.

Being the mom whose house is the hub of the neighborhood.  Volunteering at school.  Coaching a team.  Soothing baby cries.  Finding creative solutions.  Budgeting.  Saving money.  Selling and buying at thrift shops or garage sales.  

And then some of us have a passion for something that is not so incorporated into the daily duties of motherhood.   

Writing.  Painting.  Paper piecing.  Running.  Designing.

Technology.  Photography.  Traveling.  Bookkeeping.  

Sewing.  Governing.  Health care.  Consulting.  Fixing things.  Hiring.  Managing.

All of us have an ache in our belly - stronger some days than others - that sends us searching for something.  Something that’s mostly about ME.  Something I created or thought of.  Something I led or inspired.  Something I do that brings me joy.  

Maybe it’s organizing all the legos or coming up with a better bedtime routine.  It might be training for a marathon or making a year-long meal plan.  Starting your own business or writing the book you've been planning for years.  Enrolling in a class here or there to get the training you need to help provide for your family when your little ones are not so little anymore. 

There’s something about that ache, that passion, that needs to be listened to.  It’s a part of who you are and that means something.  It’s ok to embrace that part of you and even find ways to nurture it.  

God designs each of us with talents and desires, personality and strengths.  The parts of you that make you who you are - they make you the right mom for these kids and the best wife for this husband, too.  They are not to be forgotten because you are so busy doing laundry and trying to figure out why your child is hungry ALL THE TIME.  

Give yourself permission to dream.  Recognize that this season of life is not forever.  That your children will benefit from seeing a mom who finds time to reenergize with something that brings her joy (outside of successful potty training).  

Admit that you are more than a housekeeper.  You bring your unique personality and approach to this job and you don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else or how they do things.  

If you love every second of your Mommy job, celebrate it.  

If you don’t, drop the guilt and give yourself permission to dream.  

The big ideas might have to wait a little while until the diapers have disappeared and the Candy Land games have been passed on.  The place you are at is exactly where God needs you at this moment.  But don’t forget about what was at the core of the girl you once were.  

Mama, give yourself permission to dream. 

“..Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ.  From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.”  Ephesians 4:15,16

Go back to Jill's blog and click on the next blogger for more inspiration and community!  And come back soon to consider more about this dreaming stuff.  What have you given yourself permission to dream?

Refocusing

As usual, Hearts-at-Home National Conference was fabulous. It was different for me this year, but it was still good. When it was all over I had a lot of processing to do, and to be honest I’m still working on it. I noticed that when I came home Brad was prepared for me to come in and announce whatever life changes I would now be implementing. After 7 years, he has learned. And I think he appreciates that usually it’s good stuff that benefits our marriage and our family.

Every year I think I come home and say “I need to re-focus.” It’s not a bad thing. It reminds me of one of the sessions we attended called Professional Parenthood. Kendra and John Smiley shared how we can approach our job as parents as a professional would approach their job. For example, ‘professionals’ set goals, and setting goals for our kids can help us figure out what they need from us. Professionals also EVALUTE themselves TRUTHFULLY. I think that’s what Hearts at Home does for me. It gives me an opportunity to think about what I’m doing and what I could be doing better. It helps me to separate the big issues from the minor ones. And it gives me the resources I need to find solutions to those issues.

So as usual, I’m ‘refocusing.’ I need to straighten out my priorities. I think I spend too much time online and not enough time washing clothes. I have been really focused on myself and my new life goals, lately. This is painfully obvious, but: just because I think I’m done having kids, doesn’t mean I can move onto the next phase. The next phase is not about me. It’s about being the hands-on parent I want to be: creating a structured safe-haven for my kids where they will be given tough choices and taught to handle success and failure in a loving family. It’s about them. And as much I think it would be fun to go after my master’s degree or write a book, the priority needs to be passionate parenting.

Of course my sanity depends on writing. I have to write. I have to have some time for me and my brain. I know I need to have an identity separate from that of MOM. But I think my biggest passion right now needs to be Motherhood. And I’m excited about that. Again.

Housewives of Central IL

There is a tight-knit group of us moms that regularly marvel at how God has blessed us with each other. We have very little girl-drama in our group, judgment is somehow kept at bay, and the cattiness is non-existent. I know. It’s crazy. I mean, I’m not sure it can be documented anywhere else. ;) Instead we feel uplifted and encouraged by each other. A well-timed phone call, a dropped-off meal, your favorite drink appearing on your counter – everyone should have such good friends.

We are amused with the contrast between our lives and that of “Housewives of ____.” Not only do we work with much smaller budgets (understatement!), but our relationships are sources of positive energy and love – not negativity and complication. We think the world should know about Housewives of IL and how great female friendship CAN be, and we’ve joked about getting our own show. But we also know it might be too boring for today’s audiences. J

These days most of us have sick children. RSV, ear-infections, sinus infections, stomach issues – just like any other group of moms these days, we are having our challenges. Then of course there are part-time jobs, housework, online obligations, PTL, and other various extra-curricular activities thrown into the mix. Add in a funeral or two, a sick husband, the rocketing price of gas, and a sudden change in a deadline - and you’ve got the recipe for a stressed-out mom.

Two of us were exchanging lists of craziness yesterday. As I walked back to my van I thought – “So much for Housewives of Central IL… How ‘bout Super-Moms?” I mean, seriously – what superhero wants to fly into the face of these challenges? So far we’re holding it together (mostly) in the midst of $180 prescriptions, a burnt meal-exchange, and a trip to New Jersey for a funeral. Whininess is no match for our focus! A smokey kitchen will not shut down our mission to feed our families! Money? Who needs it? We will find a way! We triumph over it with a fabulous $100 deal at a water-park on the way home from the funeral! We prevail with a pizza-order, met with cheers from our children (and husband)! We settle in with our babies at home, happy for the break their infection provides – we don’t have any money to go anywhere anyway!!

Maybe it’s deliria or denial. But somehow we come out of it with a smile. Thank goodness for our hilarious children. Thank goodness for prayer. And praise the Lord for our friends. Ready at a moment’s notice, gifted with the powers of comfort and support – The Super-Moms of Central IL will do whatever they have to do to uphold the statutes of family. This is our job and though we wish earnestly that someone else would come clean our kitchens, we move forward with resilience. We will be victorious!!!

Monday's Mom Moment

I like being with my kids.

I love that my baby boy depends on me for most mealtimes (he started real food this week!), and I love that my girls want to stay home and play with their toys. I’m fascinated listening to Clare’s made-up stories. And I really want to put Sophie’s daily reading at the top of my agenda every afternoon.

When I think what was important before my kids came round, it is worth noting that I might even be annoyed with someone like the me that now exists. Someone who these days would rather stay home and do laundry and play preschool games, than meet for lunch. Someone who is obnoxiously worried about how the price of gas is going to hurt her checkbook. Someone who gets excited about bunk beds, and bananas ripe for bread-making, and her oldest starting piano lessons.

Life has changed a lot, even in the last few years. But it has certainly changed for the better. As I hold my baby boy and think about how dependent he is on me, I feel my sense of purpose resonate in my soul. When I’m changing Clare’s clothes after church, I steal a hug and hold on to the moment that is so short. When Sophie announces that she can get out of the shower by herself and she just needs a towel waiting for her - I look up at Brad and raise my eyebrows. She just keeps growing. Silly, sappy moments, that I love. That I get to live. That make me the mom I am so glad to be.

It was a weekend where I paused... and looked around... and saw a happy mom, with a great job, and no reason to rush off to the next thing too quickly. My kids need me here... in this moment.

Me-Time

I grab any minute I can when it comes to getting some me-time. Time that I can refresh my soul. Time that I can share with a girlfriend. Time that will make me a better Mom.

Some of us need more Me-time than others. Some of us need it alone. Some of us prefer it with friends. How bout while shopping? Or curling up with a good book.

It never ceases to amaze me, however, that it can be SO vital. It can change my outlook, my day, sometimes my life. Finding those minutes to do something for myself, can show me a strength or a weakness that needed attention. Reflecting on my day, my job, my kids – can fill me up with gratitude, or a new plan of action.

I hope you got some of this time this weekend. If not, grab a minute as your week starts. Take a deep breath and go to a happy place. It could change everything today.

Shares Well with Others

a couple of my blessings

Ahhh… quiet. Just the sound of the air conditioner and the fans running. Music to my ears and pregnant body. J Grandma ran off with the girls for the day, so I will hopefully be finding my kitchen again (it is very lost) and working on a meal for a friend.. and maybe even us.Summertime and 8 months pregnant has my meal plan out the window, and my husband never sure if there will be dinner when he comes home from work or not. J Luckily, he hasn’t been complaining.

Yesterday I was looking thru an Uppercase Living catalog, when I came across the expression “Don’t just count your blessings; Share them.” I love a good proverb, one that goes against the grain of how people tend to think, and this one stopped me in my tracks. Counting my blessings is one thing I have been trying really hard to do lately. I know that God wants me to focus on those and not the complaints I have. But sharing them? Well, that goes against how conversation works in our world… in many circles. Doesn’t it?

Am I the only one that finds myself sharing my complaints more than my blessings? It goes something like this:

“Hey, how’s it going?”

“Oh, good! How are you?!”

“Good, good. I mean, now that Clare has stopped screaming for a bit, things are much better! Haha..”.. laughter, etc..

“Yeah, I know what you mean. (Fill in name of child here) is (pick one) teething/weaning/mad at her sister/getting an attitude/bored and so it has made for an exhausting (pick one) weekend/day/summer.”

“Oh, yeah, yeah. Been there!! I remember when…”

..And the conversation continues, sharing sob stories and the drama of our children. On one hand these interactions are important. We have to share our not-so-perfect lives with each other… especially as moms. It’s vital for us to know that we are NOT alone and we have ALL been there.We may even glean a new approach or two out of the exchange.

But how often do our conversations focus on sharing a good thing or two? It seems like the path to that conversation winds around a little more, and doesn’t last as long. We don’t know how to nurture that conversation the way we do the pity party.

I’m not sure why this is, and I’m not sure how much analysis it requires. But it made me think of this little suggestion that Paul has in Philippians chapter 4, verse 8:

Whatever is True, whatever is Right, whatever is Pure, whatever is Lovely, whatever is Admirable – if anything is Excellent or Praiseworthy – think about such things.

I like to capitalize those ideas, and think about them sometimes; attempting to identify what in my life might qualify. Some days it’s harder than others. Maybe that is one of the reasons it’s so fun to have Clare around. The funny things she says work for True and sometimes Pure. J If anything they give us a good laugh, which seems like an Excellent thing.

Maybe this week I should really try to identify what in my life is True and Right and Lovely.Maybe I’ll make a little chart and put it on the fridge and when I think of something I can jot it down up there in between filling a juice cup and wiping a spill. Maybe I can “think about such things” and then figure out how to share them in conversation. And maybe we’ll all be surprised at how easy it really is.

A few more things to praise about...

Great Things about Life Today

1. Healthy kids.

2. Decent weather.

3. Progress on the house. They will pour the rest of the basement floor Friday a.m.!

4. Tonight the girls played really well together. Yes, Sophie was teaching Clare the appropriate technique for jumping off the bed, but I'll take what I can get.

5. Recently Sophie found the Muppets Christmas cd and snuck it into the van disk changer (Mimi was in on it). So today the girls sang FaLaLaLaLa together. Clare jumped right in, like she sings the song everyday. This is the first year that Clare can really sing Christmas carols and as I listened to my TWO beautiful daughters happily singing I realized: Christmas music in our house starts NOW.

6. I love having company because I end up with a mostly clean house.

7. Safe harvest.

8. Good friends.

9. Double Stuffed Oreos.

10. God-given contentment.

Celebrating Fall and Being 5

For your viewing pleasure, here's my girl.

You can live vicariously through her for the next few minutes if you'd like! :)

This was fun. Just me and Sophie - harder to do these days. She had fun and so did I. Love it.

Just Curious

Lately I've been running into the elusive concept of "happiness." Besides media, friends, and family refering to the idea, I would love to help my kids get closer to such a thing in their own lifetime. But when confronted with choices about how to find happiness, people sometimes make decisions that confuse me.

Ok, so happiness isn't the same to everyone. Got that. And I'm sure there isn't a magic recipe. But how do people define a "happy marriage," or what does "I've found happiness" mean? I consider myself in a "happy marriage," but it is a lot of work, and it doesn't mean I wake up singing and whistling everyday. I worry about people who are looking for happiness, and I have to think that the disappointment people have, might be because they are looking for something that doesn't really exist. I want to raise children who are happy, but I feel silly even saying such a thing. They would be better off if I focused on things like hope and faith and kindness and compassion.

If you feel like commenting, share your thoughts on the topic. I'm interested in an off-the-cuff response, something short and sweet and from your gut. If someone is looking for "happiness," what is it they want?