Life Is Messy and Chaotic. For Everyone. I Promise.

Life is messy and chaotic.  For everyone. 

I didn’t know.  So many women appear to have it together.  Even today I sometimes get caught up thinking how clearly perfect someone else’s life must be.  There she is, with her well-dressed kids and her PTL officer face on, and her high dollar purse.  Clearly she is organized and efficient.  Obviously she fed her kids before this meeting.  No question she got a kiss from her husband before she left.  Her bills are paid, her house is clean, and she loves her job.  Grumble, grumble.  I sit down and feel tiny and flawed.

TIME OUT! A few years ago Jill Savage put it quite nicely.  “Don’t compare someone else’s outsides to your insides!”  This is Truth, Mama.  When we sit down and start being authentic with each other, we find out everyone has their issues.  Everyone has a chaotic, mess somewhere in their life they are dealing with (or currently choosing to ignore).  

It wasn’t until after a community of women opened up and were authentic with me, that I learned these things.  It wasn’t until after I had spent plenty of time feeling alone and like I had to figure out my messes all by myself.  It wasn’t until after I was pretty sure I had won the annual title of Stressed-Out-Mom-Failure of the Year, that I began to learn: I am not the only one. 

Here’s a tip: It’s ok to need other people and community.  We don’t have to do this alone.  Scripture highly recommends we avoid going-it solo.  

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up.  But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  Also if two lie down together, they will keep warm.  But how can one keep warm alone?  Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I have a really good friend who, when I am really frustrated with a wrong turn or a plan gone bad - she will remind me, “Hey.  It's the devil." 

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  

When the devil is breathing down your neck, telling you you are a failure

or that you will never get out of the hole you've dug

or that your marriage is doomed.... You need a friend who can say to you - Hey. That's the devil talking.  Let's see what Jesus says about that.  

Instead of worrying so much about how impossible it is to be vulnerable with others, take a risk and consider all that you can gain from authenticity.  If you are feeling strong today, girl, lift someone else up.  If you have fallen down, ask for a hand.  Two is so much better than one.  

Why I Can't Get Ahead of the Mess

As I walk thru the disaster zone that is the living space of my house - credit due to my children and their love for things but aversion to picking up - I consider cleaning.  How would I even BEGIN to gather up all the random things that I see strewn before me?

Step 1: Find an empty laundry basket.

This basket will give me a place to put the things I walk past, so I can then easily deliver them to their homes.  (If they have homes.)  That one sock, half an easter egg, the girlie clipboard, the tiny purse, a hair extension... and that is just the tip of the iceberg in this small entryway.  Hmmm, an empty laundry basket....

Step 2: Empty this laundry basket.  

Geez, I hate putting laundry away.  Ok, this will all have to be folded and sorted first.  Can I get my children to help?  That would be nice and also of benefit to them in the long run.  However, I have to decide if I have time for the arguments that would inevitably be a part of that process.

Step 3: Dump laundry on bed. 

Step 4: Proceed with newly emptied basket into first room to begin process.  

3 minutes of picking up and the basket is full.  

Hmmmm, I’m going to need some more baskets......

Step 5: Return to Step 1

Step 6: Reconsider how committed you really are to this task.  

Step 7: Abandon process and pour yourself a drink.  Sit back and evaluate paying children to clean up after themselves.  

:) Hope you are having a joyful week! Find a reason to laugh today!

photo credit: Dean Terry via photopin cc

For You

Found this as I was going through some files tonight.  I wrote it in the spring a few years back, but the idea is just as relevant now as it was then.  Maybe take it with you into the new year. 

05.21.10
For You


On my way to your house tonight
I looked up and saw a rainbow
brilliant
solid
the colors were
mesmerizing.
And suddenly I realized there were two.
The sky was a mess of light and dark
of storm and sun
of big billowy dark clouds and these streaming colors
taking my breath away.

I wanted everyone to see it
and I immediately started thinking about who I could tell.
But it was gone quickly as I drove into the rain,
and realized only a few
would see the rainbow
that showed itself to me.

-

On the way home tonight
I thought about the brief moment of brilliance that shone before me
and realized it hadn’t reminded me of promises,
of power, or trust.
I was too busy to give it the moment it deserved
the moment I deserved
to enjoy the message it could have sent.

I should have soaked it all in.
I should have rested in that moment and
let it be about me..
getting it.

As moms our lives are so much about other people.
So much about the guilt or the list or the needs
of other people:
our children, our husbands,
even our friends.

“Even Jesus needed a break,” you said with a sigh.
He took time to go away by himself
to be filled up
to be revived.

You need that.
We all do.
And when our lives are too much
to think about all at once,
but that doesn’t stop the thoughts
from their lengthy attack,

we need to step back,
and take a moment.

“Look, there’s a rainbow.
No!  Listen to me!
Stop and look!  It’s for your own good!
Don’t worry about who else is here.
Don’t worry about what hasn't gotten done.
Don’t worry about your list of projects
or your list of prayers.

For just a minute.
Look.
Quietly.
It’s about you,
for a minute
or two.
Now that you mention it,
take as much time as you need.

Soak it up.
Wrap yourself up in it.
It’s God’s promise.

We’ll get through this.

Nearly Powerless

Since I have a 5 year old in my house who tends to pay a lot of attention to whatever the television is blaring – we left it off most of the weekend.  We made a very strong effort to be sure she was not exposed to the tragedy of Friday.  Because of this, I have not been inundated with pictures and stories, except for listening nonstop to the radio Friday afternoon.

 

I am quite aware of the wave of misinformation that continues to stream in.  Brad and I are both pretty disgusted by it, and so despite my news-junkie tendencies, I’ve avoided turning on CNN and reading everything that pops up on PULSE. 

I’ve tuned in though, enough, to catch the tears and the looks of emptiness in the faces of mothers, and to know that this entire country is still stunned and heartbroken. 

There are probably policy discussions that need to be had, but I don’t want to have those here. 

Instead, I can’t help but come back to what someone said on Friday.  Not sure who it was – maybe a radio talent or a news person.  They were exchanging comments of disbelief and someone said something like, “There will be a time for talking about policy later.  Right now we need to let this register.”

I’m sure there are many who are fighting hard to keep this from registering.  I know that we have to go to work and function, and we have to enjoy dinner with our families, and we need to turn off the tears for a while.  There are a lot of tragedies that take place every day - which we successfully avoid.  We've put up walls and those sad stories don’t get too close.  But I think this is one event worth processing. 

This event is worth getting angry about.  Worth crying tears over.  This one justifies us questioning everything we know, everything we believe.  Not because the Truths we thought we understood, now have holes shot through them, and are exposed as false. 

But because we find a clearer definition of Truth when we ask it these horrifying questions, and seek out answers. 

If you’ve never been honest with God about being angry with Him, or questioning His plan, be honest with Him now.  Don’t make assumptions.  Dig deeper so you can gain something.  Something useful.

Personally I cannot help but feel that these children have been sacrificed.

 And I’m not ok with that.  I know that God has a plan and that somehow some good thing can come from tragedy.  Those of you who heard me speak at our Advent by Candlelight program in November might recall the verse our devotion focused on that evening, Genesis 50:20 – You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good. 

I know lots of things happen to us in life, intended by Satan to destroy us, which God uses to teach us; to strengthen relationships; to give us experiences that we can then use to comfort others.   

But today this does not seem to apply.  I cannot find comfort in that here.  It is too terrible.  Too horrific for me to justify. 

So today, I’m being honest with you.  And with God.  I’m not walking away from anything.  I’m not making some sort of blanket statement about how God must be heartless and life is now meaningless.

I’m just admitting that I can’t stand the reality that we are faced with today, and I need to seek out some explanations.  Almost grudgingly, I know that I need to look to the One who never changes.  The One who saves me from the suffering this world offers.  The only One who can fix any of this.

Our worship service Prayer of the Day on Sunday was this -

Lord Jesus Christ, we implore You to hear our prayers and lighten the darkness of our hearts by Your gracious visitation…

Feeling powerless and confused, that’s about the only prayer that I have today.  But I think it’s a good place to start.

It's Time

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3:1

I love starting things.

And I’m good at it.

So is my husband.  We are IDEA people.

I’m a planner, no doubt.  I love brainstorming and making lists of things to do.  And planning how they should be done and what it should look like when it’s finished.

Houses, rooms, meals, careers.  I love planning things.

Following through, however, is not my strength.

I’m SO good at getting distracted.  So good at losing focus.  If God was handing out talents for losing focus, he gave me a truckload.  ;)  Walk through my basement and you will see lots of evidence of PLANS.

I like knowing there IS a time, a season under heaven, for brainstorming and planning.  I like knowing that the thing I enjoy doing does have a purpose.

I am frustrated with the other part of this truth here, but I also KNOW there is a time for following through.  And if there is a time for it, God will make it happen.  If I can truly hand over my ministry in life to God – if you can put your ministry in God’s hands – he will do amazing things.

In fact, he can do amazing things with or without our approval. 

But like an orchestra of musicians and their director working TOGETHER to create a powerful sound – can you imagine how incredible it will be when we work in harmony with God’s plan?

That’s the new plan. I’ve enjoyed making it.  And God-willing, I’ll see it through!  

Not Insignificant

Mmmmmm, a good thunderstorm. A quiet house. A quiet NEW house! I sit here at my kitchen table watching the rain blow closer... pretty much just as I imagined it might look from this spot.

I love the light in my home. The windows fill up these rooms with light, whether I ask them to or not. We have a perfect view of the new corn, growing faster than we can believe. And of the sky expanse that surrounds us. Surely the view of this sky will inspire my children to dream. It has me.

From this kitchen table I feel like nothing is impossible.

Bogged Down

We sure can get bogged down easily, can’t we?  I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that feels this way.  My house is such a mess today, but I really want to spend time with my kids.  But I also have some work that HAS to get done.  Yet, I feel so pulled to get back into the habit of blogging.  Ahhhh!

I am in awe of those who have time management all figured out.  I need to take a class.  I think the rules are somewhat different for moms with 18 month old sons, but I know you are out there getting’ er done with small ones in tow.  But do you get it all done? 

First 10 Things Aunt Colleen Taught Me

1. Be Who You Are.  Unashamed.  Genuine.  Sincere.  God made you.  Be you.
2. NEVER GIVE UP.
3. GOD CAN DO IT.
4. We are loved by Jesus Christ.
5. Love first.  Ask questions later.
6. Smile and laugh every opportunity you get.
7. Put others first.
8. Being the big sister is a privilege, and a pain, that we would not trade.
9. Dance, dance, dance.
10. Give second chances. And third ones. And fourth ones…

Managing

I really wish I managed to get on here and write more!  I cannot get over how busy these kids keep me.  Especially Edwin – almost 18 months and he is into EVERYTHING.  The moment I typed those words, he started crying (it’s 11:30 at night).  For goodness sakes, he’s a mama’s boy. 

Clare continues to grow in drama and creativity.  She soaks everything up, and comments on it honestly and with a flare that is all Clare.  She picks up on things so into depth. 

Choices

Life is full of choices.

Who will you marry?  What job will you take?  How many kids will you have?

And sometimes life seems like it throws things at us and we had no choice.

I wanted more kids, but we couldn’t get pregnant.  I can’t find a job – there are none here close to home.  My house fell down and now it seems we have to build a new one. 

 :)

But really even at these moments, we make choices that are our decision.  We could have brought in a double-wide.  Would that have been a good choice considering my husband is a contractor and builds houses?  Probably not.  Would it have been a lot less money and less hassle?  More than likely.

It’s easy to see this with some things, not as easy with others.  Sometimes we go ahead and get pregnant, even when maybe it’s not the most ideal of circumstances.  Sometimes we don’t return the phone call an extra day, and now that job is unavailable.  Sometimes we are married to someone who just doesn’t have the same plan we do.  

Life isn't fair.  And life is not this cut and dry, really, either.  None of these decisions or situations are really as black and white as we might want to make them, or as we wish they could be.  Some of our children think that mommies have babies because they prayed to Jesus and asked him for one.  If only it was that simple.  Some of our husbands think that we are home all day and so the clothes should all be put away.  Again – not quite that simple. 

Either way, we have to admit the law of cause and effect is alive and well.  When our choices have led us to this moment, we have to work with it.  I want to be working at the new house.  In my mind, this “needs” to be done.  Thankfully I have a lot of family to turn to.  But I didn’t ask my mom or Aunt Kathy it was ok with them that I had a third kid or that we were going to build a house “on our own” (which really means with the help of those who love us).  I didn’t check with them first.  So if they can’t watch my kids, it’s not their fault.  The choices I have made have led here to this moment. 

It’s not that no one wants to help me.  It’s not personal.  It’s my problem.  I have to make choices because I have this set of responsibilities in my life right now.  I might not be able to go shopping with my friends or scrapbooking of an evening, because I’ve used up all my babysitters and I can’t afford to hire someone.  I might not be able to make my dr. appointments when I want or go get groceries when I want, because I don’t have help at those times.  I’m learning that the list of things that “need” to be done is a little different than I might like it to be.  

As we get closer to moving into our house, and running out of money :) , I find myself wondering how we are going to pay for all of the things I undoubtedly will “need.”  Closet shelving, curtains, fireplace mantle and surround, front porch finishing, lighting on the front of the garage.  Yes, these were originally part of the budget, but they have been pushed off the list as other things encroached and now I’m faced with some choices:  Can I have everyone over to my house with an unfinished fireplace?  

I’ve decided to embrace my situation.  We won’t have enough money for me to have things the way I want within the next 6 months.  I’m going to be proud instead of embarrassed.  We have made the choice for me to stay home and take care of our family.  Result: We don’t have enough money to make our house exactly how we want.  I’m hoping I can be ok with this.  We aren’t going anywhere.  Those details will still be there when Edwin is school age.  I can address them then.  

I was raised in a society that likes to blame others.  I do that.  But I was raised by parents who taught me my life is my problem.  And as I get older I recognize that more, I guess.  As I get older it’s a little easier to see the big picture.  What I think I “need” to have or to do today, is probably not as pressing as I think it is.  I have choices.  

And one of them is calling my name right now.  :)

Changes

Yikes, it has been a while. I was thinking yesterday - I hope after we move I can do this regularly again. I imagine myself sitting in the sunlight of my new kitchen, at the table - no doubt surrounded in chaos only having moved that week - but writing.  Taking time a few times a week to write. 

Life continues to change. It makes me smile because I think usually we say "nothing new here," while all the while nothing is really the same. Kids are growing, we are learning, life throws us its surprises and we bounce back acting as if nothing happened. But honestly, nothing is the same. Edwin turned ONE this weekend. Much to our confusion, it has been a year since we first met him! He has been as handsome and charming as we suspected he would be. This weekend he went from occasionally taking a few steps when we begged him, to awkwardly making his way to the things he wants – namely his new toys or the visitors we had.  Very fun.  

The girls have gotten into the groove of their new school year.  We have welcomed the routine and adjusted nicely, I think.  In the midst of working at the new house and trying to maintain regular daily stuff, I didn’t know if it would be possible.  But it has been good.  Crazy, but good. 

Brad and I have entered our 13^th year of marriage and feel like we’ve started something new in our life together.  A series of events has shown us (or reminded us?) of the importance of connecting daily.  We’ve been really intentionally spending time together - almost every day - turning the TV off, listening to each other and working on US.  It has been challenging but good.  We both know that we are moving towards a better place as a couple and a family.  The world looks different from here, but it’s growing on us. 

The house is closer than ever!  J  I say that with a laugh – it had better be!!  Brad has been working hard to “finish.”  The finishing is just as time-consuming as the starting.  Trim, floors, cabinets, plumbing, stairs (eventually we will not have to climb a ladder to get in!), lighting – before we can get final inspection done.  It looks more like a house certainly, but until we have the magic papers we can’t move in.  Besides, who wants to move in without carpet and then have to move everything around 2 more times?  Anyway, so thankful for Brad’s mom and Aunt Kathy varnishing doors.  And father-in-law Denny has moved all kinds of dirt so you can even tell where the yard ends and the driveway starts!  We are very excited. 

I was pretty bummed last weekend as I looked ahead at all the work to be done and how we might not be in by the end of September as we’d planned.  I had my little meltdown and delt.  But then on Monday I read something about goal-setting that was really comforting.  It was actually in a Pampered Chef newsletter that I get.  Karyn Battey, who was recently promoted to Executive Director, says this: 

“Don’t be afraid to set big, lofty goals.  After all, someone has to have them!  Just make sure to set a deadline.  If you don’t meet that deadline, don’t abandon the goal.  Simply celebrate what you’ve accomplished thus far, decide what you’re going to do next, and set a new deadline.”

This was a good moment for me.  It’s REALLY hard to set lofty goals – or at least it is for me.  And my husband is worse than I am!  But we had decided back in July that it would be a good idea to set a goal for a move-in date.  That this would drive us and push us and help us stay focused.  And it has.  And certainly there is plenty to celebrate!  The house looks amazing, it’s better than I ever imagined, and we WILL move in one of these days.  Happy about change!

Not a Battle

Plenty of to-do list surrounding me, but a few minutes of pause are available to me, so I will take them. Who knows how long I have before the battle begins again?

Wait. Let’s not call it a battle. I’ve had a couple of good reminders this morning about how great my job is. And it’s not that I don’t like my job. I do like it. When I run into people from my life as a teacher, and they say “How are you?! We miss you! Do you miss it?” I pause. I DO miss those people. I have missed teaching. But I am so entrenched in my SAHM life now - in a good way - that it’s like thinking back to another lifetime. Life is so different today.

And is it a battle? A battle with time, for sure. I struggle against the minutes that rush by. Only 22 minutes until we have to leave for school. Only 47 minutes till bedtime and we just sat down to eat. Only 8 days till the birthday party. Only 3 weeks till VBS starts. Only a couple months before he won’t fit into this anymore. Only a few years to impart all I can to my oldest.

And on the flip side of that, we “can’t wait” till that day comes. Hopefully the house will be done in the next 5 months. (Been saying that for years now J.) Looking forward to seeing you when we come up for vacation in July. Can’t wait to meet your baby – are you STILL pregnant? or When Daddy gets home, then maybe we can go to the park.

It’s a battle with time, no doubt. But I’d like to think of daily life a little differently. Not a battle. While my house does look like a WAR ZONE, it shouldn’t be a battle. Then what should I call it? I could liken it to a school: trying to teach my kids how to love, how to have compassion, how to clean their room. I might relate it to a game: attempting to stay one step ahead of my kids, strategizing my every move, and quickly – but carefully- choosing my next words so I can..what? Win? Well, sortof.

Really it’s just Life – in the fullest sense of the word. There is no one so full of life as a 4 year-old. There is no one who can remind you of the miracle of life, like a baby in your arms. There is no one who looks ahead to a life of possibilities like a 7 year-old. Life lives here. In my war zone – toys strewn about, yesterday’s clothes piled on top of the high laundry mountains that exude “life,” dirty dishes, open windows with the sunny breeze blowing in. This is where Life lives. My life. The life of my family.

It has been a busy one. It has been a struggle lately for me to find the right balance in the midst of a crazy schedule. I’ve had to put off writing, reading for pleasure, and social networking. But I am attempting to hold on to this life and make each day count. I get frustrated when I can’t slow down time. I feel like a failure when it seems I’m losing the game. So I am especially thankful for moments like this, when I can step back and, well, enjoy my life.

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

Life Now

Long time since I posted any pictures of the house. These are certainly worthy. :) (See the house back there behind Edwin?)

The front door is in! I love it. That is one thing that is clearly new. Lots of things have been happening with the house, but they don't make exciting pictures. Plumbing and electrical are in. And there were a few more framing things Brad has been working on, but stuff you have to look hard to see. Inspector came thru and gave us the go-ahead, so we can move on to the next phase!

I've had some people ask for new pictures, and I guess I could take some more. Not sure what it is that's keeping me so busy these days... ? ;) just kidding. No, really, though it would be fun to go take some more pics. I should because soon we will be getting insulation and drywall and then things will look really different!!! We are at a turning point. Garage floor went in last weekend, insulation and drywall coming in soon and things will be changing! Not getting ahead of myself looking at moving dates, though. Still a lot of work to do and Brad still has a very full-time job.

Meanwhile, I'm just trying to take care of the house and life we have now. Lots to do - laundry, dishes, groceries, school trips, etc... It's very rewarding, but I have not had the time I wish I had to write. So that is suffering. But my kids are not. When we're home, we've found a couple of no-tv nights. The girls have been getting along pretty well overall, and they both want to do what they can to help out with baby brother. Sophie got new glasses and is persevering thru the parts of school she struggles with. She also continues to thrive at the parts she is fabulous at - namely math and handwriting and art. Clare's 4th birthday is quickly approaching and her wishlist is a mile long. :) And Edwin is generally happy.. especially when I am holding him or Sophie is in the room.

Trying to sort thru priorities lately has been a challenge. For a while there I was writing a lot, but the house and organized life were crumbling around me. Something always has to give. But this is a phase in my life - mother of small children - that will not last that long. So I want to give it as much attention as I can. Today I sat in an armchair feeding my baby boy a bottle. The house was quiet (girls were at school) and I rested my chin on his soft head. I took a deep breath and soaked it up. I looked down at him and rested my cheek on his fine hair. He looked up at me and smiled a little. He likes it when you snuggle. It's different the third time around. I know how quickly this changes. I know better than to wish away any moments. I know I can't get this back. Life marches on dutifully.

Been reading The Spirituality of the Cross and in it there is a part about the daily life of a Christian. It's these mundane moments, these uneventful minutes where we learn about the grace of God and the love of our Maker. I pray that you have a few minutes to soak it up this week. Enjoy your mundane moments. Give your daily frustrations to the Lord. Such is life.

Baby crying.. gotta go. :)

Wanted: Wisdom

A couple of months ago I was really struggling with my school-age child. We were butting heads constantly. I was so frustrated with her “attitude” and wanted to nip it Right then and There. Unfortunately, that translated into constant criticism, which didn’t get me the results I wanted PLUS made both of us feel terrible about ourselves all the time.

I backed off and decided to pick my battles with a little more wisdom. It turns out parenting is a process and so is her developing personality. While I can’t let her rule the family with her bossiness, I can’t be constantly reprimanding her either. I’ve changed my strategy and currently things are a bit better. I won’t elaborate on “my strategy” unless you ask me to, because I’m not really here to dole out parenting advice.

I’m here because I’m looking for some.

Next up on The Challenges of Parenting a School-Age Child Experience: How to Handle Struggles at School. This episode – Reading.

My oldest is brilliant in many ways. She has fabulous ideas, she’s great with numbers, and she’s a Creator. But she’s been slow to become a fluent reader. At this point neither her teacher nor I think she’s dealing with a disability. We may find otherwise down the road, but so far we just think it’s taking her a little longer than many of her peers.

I’m not freaking out about this. But I am trying to address the situation appropriately, and I want to help her. She’s frustrated about it and knows she is kind-of behind. Yesterday we got her report card and sat down to look at it together. Those of you who have walked this road know that children can take this sort of thing really personally. I did not realize this. I focused in on the great parts of her report card, and there are many. But her attention went straight to the weaknesses. I read her what the teacher said in the Comments, which included that “she is improving” but needs to “practice more to increase her fluency” and that she could also work on her writing skills. I read the positive comments too and looked over and she was crying. L It made me sad. O, oldest perfectionist daughter! O, sweet first grader who wants to please her teacher... and her parents! Please don’t cry.

So I tried to comfort her and we talked a little and it wasn’t the end of the world. But the planner in me has a hard time not laying it all out:

“Ok, Sophie, we need to work on this. So after you get done with your homework every night, and then piano practice, we need to spend 45 minutes, at least, reading. We’ll go thru this checklist that your teacher suggests and….”

No. I didn’t say that. But it was hard not to. I don’t want her to be thinking about what a drag this is that she has to read more. I want her to be motivated and willing. I don’t want to be crabby about it, and I’m determined not to.

So what is your advice for approaching this with her? I’m thinking she might enjoy a chart. She is an oldest type A, after all. I have some ideas for rewards… I just don’t know. I want to know what not to say, and what I could say that would be helpful. And I think largely, I need to pray that I don’t destroy any confidence that she does have. And that I can help to build her up. Any of your suggestions are welcome.

Refocusing

As usual, Hearts-at-Home National Conference was fabulous. It was different for me this year, but it was still good. When it was all over I had a lot of processing to do, and to be honest I’m still working on it. I noticed that when I came home Brad was prepared for me to come in and announce whatever life changes I would now be implementing. After 7 years, he has learned. And I think he appreciates that usually it’s good stuff that benefits our marriage and our family.

Every year I think I come home and say “I need to re-focus.” It’s not a bad thing. It reminds me of one of the sessions we attended called Professional Parenthood. Kendra and John Smiley shared how we can approach our job as parents as a professional would approach their job. For example, ‘professionals’ set goals, and setting goals for our kids can help us figure out what they need from us. Professionals also EVALUTE themselves TRUTHFULLY. I think that’s what Hearts at Home does for me. It gives me an opportunity to think about what I’m doing and what I could be doing better. It helps me to separate the big issues from the minor ones. And it gives me the resources I need to find solutions to those issues.

So as usual, I’m ‘refocusing.’ I need to straighten out my priorities. I think I spend too much time online and not enough time washing clothes. I have been really focused on myself and my new life goals, lately. This is painfully obvious, but: just because I think I’m done having kids, doesn’t mean I can move onto the next phase. The next phase is not about me. It’s about being the hands-on parent I want to be: creating a structured safe-haven for my kids where they will be given tough choices and taught to handle success and failure in a loving family. It’s about them. And as much I think it would be fun to go after my master’s degree or write a book, the priority needs to be passionate parenting.

Of course my sanity depends on writing. I have to write. I have to have some time for me and my brain. I know I need to have an identity separate from that of MOM. But I think my biggest passion right now needs to be Motherhood. And I’m excited about that. Again.

My Daily Bread

Give us this day our daily bread…

Lord, you always provide for me. This weekend you gave me a day away.. and cooperative children. You cleared my mind for the planning, and you included new friends and inspiration. You give me opportunities to hold my children, pay my bills, and get my groceries. You have given me a vehicle that runs, usually has heat, and the safety features we need to keep our family safe.

You’ve provided me with a pediatrician who I trust. With flu shots, with medicine.. actually, with amazingly healthy kids. I have the money I need to pay my bills, the resources to figure out how to manage my money, and the motive – my family.

I have a warm home. I have ideas about how I can make it more functional for my family. I have little girls who get excited about a place for their things. I have groceries and a kitchen and an oven.

I have friends who call and share a laugh – fuel for my soul. I have brothers and sisters who care and celebrate life’s little victories with me. I have parents who would drop everything for my children.

This is my bread. The fact is, this is my daily bread. I have a country that allows me freedom to work and live as I wish. I was raised in a middle class home and have somehow maintained that into my adult life. This is my daily bread. It’s a feast, it’s an overwhelming feast that I do not deserve. But it is daily what God provides for me.

Amazing.

I Can Relate

I sat down at the computer to write the sentence “Motherhood is often a lonely job.”

Before I could do so, two children were climbing on me, putting chapstick on my lips (whether I wanted some or not), one asking to sit with me, and one leaning on me after bumping her head on the table she approached which has the computer on it.

Sigh. Deep breath. After taking smaller girl to the bathroom, I’m back reflecting on my original sentence. Well, still not very lonely – she is on my lap of course.

But I still maintain that while we can be surrounded by children, this can be a lonely job.

In the middle of the night feeding a hungry baby. In the middle of a store comforting an injured, screaming toddler. In the middle of the morning rush – the only one who seems to understand what time school starts.

It can feel kindof lonely.

I have a wonderful husband. But let’s face it – most parenting decisions he defers to me. We work together and talk thru bedtimes and attitudes about school and homework. But I end up being the last word on some pretty big decisions like potty training, when to start solid foods, and whether they need to see a doctor. Not to mention I’m in charge of what we eat (taking into account everyone’s likes and dislikes of course), how much it costs, and having it ready. When I look at a living room full of clothes that need to be folded and put away, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed since the clothes won’t be folding themselves.

This is why I cried all day when I first went to the National Hearts-at-Home Conference back when Sophie was born. Being in a convention hall full of women who shared the same decisions, the same heartaches, the same insecurities…was a new discovery for me.

It’s why I make Mom’s Bible Study a priority – I need that community. It’s why I am SO thankful for my fellow mom-friends and phone calls where we can laugh and cry about our parenting dilemmas. It’s why I attempt to reach out to new moms with comforting words and zero judgment. It’s why I write.

It’s why I’m so thankful that every day is a new day. That I have a forgiving God with whom I can plead with as often as I need to. That He is always listening. And always loving.

This job can be lonely. Covered in children, surrounded by things – when I feel alone it’s my job to do something about it. Prayer, a phone call, a frank discussion with my partner – or just a nice conversation about the latest family milestone. Because loneliness is not going to fix itself. As moms, we can’t wait for civilization or a friendly conversation to come to us. We have to seek it out. For the sake of our mental health and our brains. Even if it’s turning on a mom talk show, or joining in an online conversation - be a part of a mom community. You’re not alone. I can relate. Someone can always relate. J

p.s. If you haven’t registered for Hearts-at-Home yet this year, or want to learn more about it, click on this link. A day led by Jill Savage will do wonders for your Mommy-Brain.

It's Not the Internet's Fault

I love my technology.

For the record, I don't have a smart phone (though, I'd love one if I had unlimited funds to spend on it:). But I do have my laptop, Brad and I both have cellphones, and of course we have the DVR hooked up to our TV. These are things I like.

Last week there was a lot of media attention about some books that came out written by moms who had cut off technology in their families. Our media is so black and white that a debate immediately started up: Technology: yay, or nay?

Why does life have to be so all or nothing with people? I know the "all in moderation" response isn't as exciting, but doesn't it make more sense?

Here's the thing: This technology has made me a more informed mom. It has inspired me to save money and given me some of the tools to do so. It has connected me with moms from all over, where I can feel like I'm a part of a community that can be supportive and helpful.

One example happened this morning. Last week a girlfriend told me she heard that the autism-vaccine scare has been debunked. Apparently the guy who published his research back in 1998, falsified facts and information that helped to prove his theory. Since then other studies have been done - a lot of other studies - and none of them found the connection that his did. But it was too late. Moms all over were making the powerful decision to skip the vaccines, and promoting this to other moms.

So the other day, my girlfriend shares this new information with me and I am fascinated. I've never completely bought into the connection, but certainly with a little boy about to start a significant series of shots, there is that little voice in the back of my head...wondering. But because I am "connected," I hop on my internet connection this morning, look up the topic "causes of autism" and quickly find a number of articles explaining what happened. Furthermore, I can find more than one source - to be sure that this isn't some random suspicion, but is in fact, corroborated by more than one reputable source.

Technology makes me happy.

My favorite thing, though, is probably the relationships that have been built and strengthened. I am pretty sure I would NOT be as close to my long distance sisters-in-law if we didn't have email and cellphones so handy and affordable. We talk regularly, share recipes, plan trips, and find common ground that you just can't cover when everyone is home for a holiday now and then. I thank God for these relationships daily, and for the tools that make them happen.

People need to be straight about things. The internet should not be handled carelessly. Family members have to make each other accountable for the content they are viewing and the amount of time they are spending in front of their screen. It's about having goals and priorities for your family. We all need to identify what those are and then take them seriously. It's not the computer's fault. It's us. Build some boundaries.

I'll get off my soapbox now. :)

About Us in 2010

I guess I am having a hard time letting go of 2010 – it seems I keep finding myself writing about it! (You know, really it’s only been 2011 for like 7 days. Why does it seem like 2010 was so long ago?) It’s all sort of surreal, because sometime around July, I started really looking forward to that year being over. One of my big concerns was my marriage and just exactly what all this house stuff would do to it. I remember specifically thinking, ‘what are we going to be like by the end of this year?!’

I can say pretty confidently that we are ok. Brad’s job is super stressful right now – he is working on houses for my parents, his parents, other clients, and us. Yikes. Could it be worse? Well, probably. I s’pose he could have NO work – that would be way worse. Ok, so it could be way more horrible than it is right now. But you can see that this is still a little over the top for the poor guy.

But as far as US goes, we have made it thru some hard conversations and finally found ourselves ‘on the same page,’ as I like to say. Mr. Communication and I (J) had a hard time finding common ground in 2010 when it came to the house building process. But I think we are both seeing the light at the end of the tunnel now and we are both cautiously optimistic. Optimism and thankfulness can sometimes drive me to make lists. So here is a list of great things in 2010 that happened while I was waiting impatiently for my fresh start in 2011.

1. I finished being pregnant! J Hehe, just kidding. No, but my year started off pregnant and before long I was sick and tired of it! That sounds good and thankful, doesn’t it?! No, seriously, Edwin David joined us in September and his arrival has to be our number 1 great thing from 2010. He is truly an amazing gift from God, a fabulous baby, and the perfect addition to our family!! SO blessed! I can’t even begin, really, to talk about how thankful I am for him.

2. I realized, in 2010, that I need to stick to the writing thing. It’s nice to have a focus and I feel that mine is starting to solidify. Being a full-time Mom is my main job right now, but someday my kids are going to grow up. What will I be then? Life will change drastically. I don’t want to be left feeling empty and abandoned.

3. However, I’ve embraced Mom and Home Manager as my jobs in a way that I never had before. And I love it and it has brought me more fulfillment than I could ever imagine. I hope that my own experiences can be used by God to minister to other moms too.

4. My girls definitely grew closer in 2010 as Clare has grown up a lot and Sophie might be resisting growing up just a little. J Fine with me. They are both incredible and their own interests are being pursued which is very fun to watch. Sophia’s self-concept as an artist really developed into a real thing for her, I think. And Clare’s TV addiction took on a whole new...um...concept. Yikes.

5. My husband lived thru building a beautiful house for my parents. It isn’t finished yet, but will be in the first half of 2011. This is a significant accomplishment. Everyone is still speaking to each other. J

6. My first nephew was born in June! My brother Bradley’s little boy Isaac joined our extended family and we are smitten! I decided to drop everything and fly up there shortly after he was born and I’m so glad I did. That was definitely a highlight.

7. We paid off the van! I continue to work at doing a better job with our money. I’m not good at it. It’s hard. But I feel like we’re making progress and I’m amazed that we continue to survive with only one income!!

Ok, that’s enough. I’m sure there were lots of wonderful things that happened in 2010, but seriously I was nauseous for like 5 months of it. I know for sure I grew to love and appreciate my friends more, and my church too. But this list is starting to sound generic and none of us need that.

Can I overcome my oldest-child-syndrome and have a list that doesn’t go to 10? Especially for the year 2010? It would be ideal, wouldn’t it? But you know my New Year’s Resolution is to take more risks. So I’m going to stop right there. (Deep breath.) Ok. Moving ahead to 2011…risks and all.

Risk and Rejection

One of the things that comes with my oldest-child-syndrome, is my hesitancy to take risks. I’m not big on rejection, and so it turns out, I have a tendency to just avoid things that might end that way. I’m not a big fan of failure.

So I usually don’t make New Year’s Resolutions.

J

But I’d like to change this... and take more risks. A lot of things qualify as “taking a risk" for me, but for most of them the common denominator is 1) putting energy into something and 2) the likelihood/possibility that it won’t turn out the way I want it to.

Yep, that pretty much sums up a big aspect of my decision making. Huh. I’ve never seen it in writing before. It’s kindof ridiculous.

Anyway, I’ll let you know how it goes.

***

Well, I wrote that the other night, but before I could get it posted, my first Risk was before me. I’m not going to go into much detail about it because it really wasn’t a huge deal and if I give details you might make it a bigger deal (or I might). In any case, it didn’t go that great. I knew that I was putting energy into something that might not really end up the way I wanted. But I saw an opportunity to work on a relationship that isn’t always so great. But I thought maybe trying to get involved might end up making us closer. And that would be nice.

Yeah, it doesn’t look like that is going to be the result. So far, I’m feeling a little rejection. Which I expected. Which is why it was a risk. J

So I’ve decided that if I’m going to be doing this kind of thing this year, I need a contingency plan for when things don’t go so great. I’d like to learn something from this little resolution of mine.

So here’s the deal. Each time I take a risk, I need to come back and evaluate what I gained from this experience. Here are some from my first official act:

1. I was trying to help... and that felt good. When we serve others we aren’t suppose to expect anything back (right?). So I served in a small way, put in some time, and it was a good deed.

2. It was a good exercise for me in self-control. This particular event required me to censor my words/opinions to a large degree. Something I continually need to work on. (Been working on it for at least 12 years for those of you keeping track. ;)

3. I learned something nice about this person. It will help in the long run.

4. I immediately recognized that this risk-taking thing is going to require an optimistic attitude, and a pick-up-the-pieces-and-move-on game plan.

Thanks. Now I feel better.

On with the show…